Screw this

ryan woke up with a fever this morning and was complaining that his head hurt. i dosed him up with ibuprofen and put him in bed to watch tv while i got some work done. then i remembered that headache + fever can mean meningitis. cue the momma freak out. i called the doctor (which i had to do anyways as he was supposed to have his flu shot tonight. which was reschedule from last month when he had a fever) and they suggested i bring him in. i felt kind of silly, but i figure my ego is way less important than being wrong about something that big. he's fine. i get 1 ridiculous doctor appointment a year and i think i just spent it. as long as i keep meds in him, he does fine and is in a surprisingly good mood. other than the brief periods of achiness and chills that he has when the meds wear off, we've had a great time today. michael brought ellen home and she was surprisingly cuddly. normally that would increase my anxiety (sucks that i can't enjoy some cuddles, eh?), but given we just had the stomach bug last week, i thought we were safe. thought. i was on the phone and i heard an "oh no" and michael called for me saying ellen threw up. the jury's still out on whether her tummy is upset or whether she put too much food in her mouth at once (not out of the ordinary). where's my anxiety? about a 5, higher than the first day ellen was sick. not comfortable. i want to run away. i want to go in my room and lock the door and cry and hit a pillow. but even then, i know the anxiety would continue. i am angry. i did SO well during this stomach bug. i feel defeated. i feel weak. i thought i had progressed. and, as always, life just keeps pushing me until i break. and it just sucks.