Tuesday, February 23, 2010

blog overhaul and the grand ah ha! moment

after i had ryan, i started feeling a lot of anxiety. i have had some anxiety here and there for a long time, but never to this extent. so, off to the doctor i went. after explaining the things that cause me anxiety, the doctor told me that i did not have an anxiety disorder, instead i have obsessive compulsive disorder. i laughed. when she asked what i was laughing about (probably while considering a completely different diagnosis!), i told her that i was relieved. you see, i've always known on one level or another that i was obsessive compulsive and it was just a matter of time until it because a disorder - knowing that i didn't have an anxiety disorder in addition to OCD was great!

as i've explored my diagnosis in the last few months, a lot of things have become clear. for instance, did you know that having my socks stuck to the bottom of my feet drives me insane? honestly. i will take off my shoes at work and just wear socks if it gets bad enough. and stuffed animals. i have always felt bad picking up a stuffed animal and then leaving it at the store. don't even get me started on looking at puppies!

and of course, there's the big one - sickness. it used to just be puking. if someone was nauseous, i was out of there. if i was nauseous, i was in a panic. it's expanded to include all types of sickness since i had ryan.

what do all of these things have in common? control. i don't do well when i don't have a plan and i don't have control of what's happening in my life. and in the last 2 years of my life, it has become more and more obvious that i can't control most things and i need to figure out how to misplace control.