Tuesday, March 29, 2011

34 weeks

Pregnancy: 34 weeks

Weight Gain: i gained 10lbs between 28 and 32 weeks! holy bologna! i'm up 5lbs overall.

Sleep: i'm tired. a lot. but generally sleeping pretty well.

Gender: Girl!!!

Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :)

Feeling: anxious. i can't believe she's coming in less than 5 weeks. 5 weeks sounds so much less than 6.

Cravings: raspberry sundaes from culvers

Health: good

Movement: lots and lots!

Belly: way bigger than i ever was with ryan. all sorts of strangers are asking when i'm due. and one kid at volunteer taxes that asked if i was pregnant. i should have said no. :)

Next Appointment: april 6th. i will be 35 weeks, 2 days. they're calling it my 34 week appointment....


i think the root of my OCD fears is lack of control. vomiting and other bodily functions are largely involuntary - they are hard to predict and even harder to control. i like to be in control. therefore, it freaks me out.

my OCD has been considerably worse since having ryan. when you think about it, it makes sense - my body, without any warning and completely unpredictably, began bleeding excessively. then my gallbladder failed and caused me pain like i had never known, again completely unpredictably. then my gallbladder surgery caused disruptions with my digestive track which made the next 8 months very difficult. in less than a year, i went from a fairly healthy person to having all sorts of difficult, painful, unpredictable medical issues. (disclaimer - i know that my conditions are all very minimal in comparison to the issues others face every day. my descriptoin of the conditions as difficult are in relationship to their affect on my OCD)

in the last few months of my pregnancy, i have felt my symptoms getting worse. there is residual trauma from ryan's stomach bug earlier this winter. i find myself watching him very carefully, looking for signs that he is going to be sick. is he eating normally? is he acting normal? is he burping more than usual? coughing more than usual? and he's taken to telling me his stomach hurts and then smiling - now that's what i call exposure therapy! it breaks my heart - i'm scared of my kid. i have to stop myself from running away. i am scared to lay next to him, sit next to him, cuddle him. i do it anyways and michael kindly reminds me that ryan has no idea, but that's not the point. i'm his mom and i should willingly be there to comfort him in all situations.

despite the fact that the symptoms are worsening, there is nothing i can do. i can't take my "emergency pill." i can't up my meds. therapy has proven largely ineffective. so i'm trying something new - acupuncture. will it work? is it all just a bunch of hocus pocus? how exactly is looking at my tongue going to help anything? i don't know. i know that i can't describe my OCD without tearing up. and i know that i owe it to myself, michael, ryan, and baby OP to try everything i can to return to normalcy.

so here's to hope - hope that i can beat this.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

32 weeks, 6 days, 20 hours, and 12 minutes

at 8:12pm tonight, march 20th, 2011, i will officially be more pregnant than i have ever been. while some moms may look at this milestone as a nuisance, i couldn't be happier. i couldn't be happier that my tailbone hurts when i walk. i couldn't be happier that the cup of macaroni and cheese i had for dinner felt like a 4 course meal in my already swollen belly. i couldn't be happier that i'm not sleeping as well, but am exhausted almost all the time. because my baby girl, tonight, at 8:12pm, will have been inside of me for longer than ryan had the opportunity to be.
every single moment counts. every week, every day, every hour, every minute, every second gives my baby a better chance of avoiding all of the problems we saw with ryan - the reflux, the immature lungs, the (temporary) concern over weight gain and developmental milestones.
i've been watching the clock all day - remember where i was, what i was doing, how i was feeling. at 1pm, i remembered calling michael - i was crying so hard i could barely speak. at 6pm, i remembered sending michael to get the pups and take them to daycare for the night. at 7pm, i remembered the contractions starting and being very quickly rushed to the OR for an emergency c-section. my how things are different this time. this time, i'm sitting on the couch, having spent the evening eating mac n cheese and watching monsters inc with my cranky, decided-to-skip-a-nap 2 year old.
this is the point at which their stories diverge. the point at which i have no idea what i'm doing, regardless of the 2 year old i'm chasing.
in honor of this day, this hour, this minute, i ask that you consider donating to the march of dimes march for babies. the walk will take place on april 30th. obviously i won't be walking/waddling, but michael and ryan will be! i i'll likely hang out back at the start and do some volunteering. :) our team website is http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t1534699. this year we are asking people to make a donation of $32 - a $1 celebration for each week i was pregnant with ryan and now have been pregnant with his little sister.

Friday, March 11, 2011

31 weeks

Pregnancy: 31 weeks

Weight Gain: this weight gain brought to you by the girl scouts of america...

Sleep: sleeping, but still tired. ryan's not a big fan of mommy sleeping in.

Gender: Girl!!!

Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :)

Feeling: emotional, hormonal, moody, nostalgic, all sorts of fun over here!

Cravings: and we've moved on to egg salad sandwiches for lunch

Health: good, although my stomach has been hurting quite a bit lately. apparently i'm stretching.

Movement: lots and lots!

Belly: way bigger than i ever was with ryan. all sorts of strangers are asking when i'm due.

Next Appointment: march 18th

Friday, March 04, 2011


last night i had a dream that i was almost 36 weeks pregnant. i was standing in our bathroom, looking in the mirror, and thinking to myself that i could actually go into labor at any time. it was the first time that i, awake or sleeping, considered the possibility of actually going into labor. strange for someone who has already had a child.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

30 weeks

Pregnancy: 30 weeks

Weight Gain: i'm thinking i've gained some, but whatever.

Sleep: same, it seems i need much more nowadays though. exhaustion sucks!

Gender: Girl!!!

Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :)

Feeling: emotional. the house stuff is really getting to me and taking it's toll on my mood. i've also been nesting a ton, i figured i should get some stuff together before this baby comes to live with us in our tiny apartment!

Cravings: peanut butter and raspberry jelly sandwichs and doritos for lunch. every day.

Health: good

Movement: she moves so much more than ryan! and the rib pain that comes with it is awful!

Belly: picture an elephant. that's pretty much me.

Next Appointment: march 18th