just breathe

i got a call from rogers memorial last night. they will have a spot for me in their outpatient treatment program soon. i will find out just how soon on monday. until then i can be found at home, freaking out. i visited a doctor a month or so ago to do a "hierarchy." basically we spent 3 hours discussing my craziness and determining the best way to torture me to make it better. it was during those 3 hours that i realized that this treatment program is going to be HARD. like scary hard. like hyperventilating hard. like i'm probably going to freak out on more than one occasion hard. HARD. i have essentially signed myself up for 3 hours of torture, 4 times a week, for anywhere from 3-8 weeks. i am sooo excited for the opportunity and even more excited to be "fixed," but i'm so scared for the journey. but i have to do this. for myself, for michael, and, most importantly, for ryan and ellen. they deserve to have their mommy at 100%. as someone much smarter than myself once said, no one said it would be easy, just that it would be worth it.