fear

i am happy. so happy. the things i would change about my life are so minuscule that i don't even feel justified in listing them. and i'm terrified.
you see, two times in my life i have stopped and said to myself "this is it, i have everything i need. i can breathe easy for awhile!" and two times the rug has been pulled out from underneath me.
the first was the day ryan died. i was in law school in a beautiful city and had just started dating michael. i already suspected that we'd be in it for the long haul. i was happy. and then ryan died and my world crumbled.
the second was thanksgiving 2008. i had a husband, 2 dogs, a house, and was 32 weeks pregnant with ryan despite the odds. the next day i started bleeding and the downward spiral to his birth began.
so here i am, happy, but scared to admit it. for fear that it will all end.