hope

i think the root of my OCD fears is lack of control. vomiting and other bodily functions are largely involuntary - they are hard to predict and even harder to control. i like to be in control. therefore, it freaks me out.

my OCD has been considerably worse since having ryan. when you think about it, it makes sense - my body, without any warning and completely unpredictably, began bleeding excessively. then my gallbladder failed and caused me pain like i had never known, again completely unpredictably. then my gallbladder surgery caused disruptions with my digestive track which made the next 8 months very difficult. in less than a year, i went from a fairly healthy person to having all sorts of difficult, painful, unpredictable medical issues. (disclaimer - i know that my conditions are all very minimal in comparison to the issues others face every day. my descriptoin of the conditions as difficult are in relationship to their affect on my OCD)

in the last few months of my pregnancy, i have felt my symptoms getting worse. there is residual trauma from ryan's stomach bug earlier this winter. i find myself watching him very carefully, looking for signs that he is going to be sick. is he eating normally? is he acting normal? is he burping more than usual? coughing more than usual? and he's taken to telling me his stomach hurts and then smiling - now that's what i call exposure therapy! it breaks my heart - i'm scared of my kid. i have to stop myself from running away. i am scared to lay next to him, sit next to him, cuddle him. i do it anyways and michael kindly reminds me that ryan has no idea, but that's not the point. i'm his mom and i should willingly be there to comfort him in all situations.

despite the fact that the symptoms are worsening, there is nothing i can do. i can't take my "emergency pill." i can't up my meds. therapy has proven largely ineffective. so i'm trying something new - acupuncture. will it work? is it all just a bunch of hocus pocus? how exactly is looking at my tongue going to help anything? i don't know. i know that i can't describe my OCD without tearing up. and i know that i owe it to myself, michael, ryan, and baby OP to try everything i can to return to normalcy.

so here's to hope - hope that i can beat this.