No fair

My heart is broken. A fellow preemie mom lost her little boy to SIDS this morning. He was playing and happy and then she found him unresponsive during his nap. My heart hurts for their loss and I cannot stop thinking about it. And the best I can come up with is "no fair."
Today, all I care about is that my kids - my life - keep breathing. I don't care if Ryan screams for 15 minutes outside of pick n save or if Ellen gets up 20 times tonight. Because it means I still have them.
It all just hurts my heart. Please keep Sara and her family in your thoughts and prayers.

somethings gotta give

if there has been one theme to the last year, it's that you can't do it all. something eventually has to give.
today i'm home sick. apparently, my body has quit. the sinus issues that i've had over the past week or so have finally taken over. my head hurts. my feet hurt. my hair hurts. so now i'm stuck on the couch, unable to get anything done.
we've all heard it - you can do anything you put your mind to. and i have really embraced that in my life. i have a husband, 2 kids, 2 dogs, a good job, and a nice house (which i hope to move into in the next week or so, but that's a whole different story). i use coupons to save money, i try to exercise, i love watching tv, and i'm interested in photography. and, of course, there's always that ever-lingering CPA exam....
lately, especially with the house stuff coming to a head, i've realized something very important - when you try to do everything, nothing gets done well. my day starts at 6:30am and doesn't stop until 9pm. i make 1 trip to the house a day, usually pumping in the car on the way there or back. i work 8 hours. i try to spend quality time with both my husband and my kids. i'm exhausted at this point and haven't even considered things like laundry.
having 2 working parents is more of a logistical challenge than i thought it would be. michael and i are both successful at what we do. but if we were both in positions that really pushed us to meet our potential, no one would be around for the kiddos. so instead, i work in a position that isn't necessarily my dream job, but is flexible and pays the bills. and honestly, being ryan and ellen's mommy is my dream job - everything else is secondary.
soon our house will be done. we will be moved in and have enough space to really spread out. we will have a place for everything, which should make keeping an organized home a real possibility. there will be a schedule for cleaning.
with the house off my plate (at least the building part), i should be able to refocus my priorities. i would love to do more preschool activities with ryan. i would love to spend more time playing on the floor with ellen. i would love to cook a meal every now and again. and those other things can wait. sure, i'm not wearing a fit CPA that wears a suit every day while working to defend people against tax injustices, but i get to play trains and put together alphabet floor puzzles.

6 years ago

Six years ago today I woke up at my parents' house, got my hair and makeup done and married my best friend.

Today I woke up to Ryan calling for daddy and the overwhelming smell of poop and spent the next half hour cleaning up more poop than I've ever seen come out of one individual.

But today i'm more in love with Michael and life than I could even have imagined 6 years ago.

Sent from my iPhone

OCD study

I am currently participating in a study at UWM for OCD. It's a computer program that works to help a person inhibit their brain from clicking a button. There have been 7 training sessions and I completed it today.
Then I got a text from daycare letting me know Ryan threw up. Cue crazy anxiety and mommy guilt for not being the best mom i feel I can in this situation. Four or so pukes later and I finally feel like I can breathe (3 hours later). I'm going to say that it didn't really work. Darn it.

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Drowning

I pumped for Ryan for 5 months. The intention was to give him frozen milk for the last month, but it didn't smell right so Michael dumped it. He was supplemented with formula from day 1. I had no choice, the nicu just did it. And getting out of the nicu was more important than being exclusively breastfed.
Ellen has not had anything other than breastmilk. Well, except the barium for her upper gi, but that doesn't count. I have been able to breastfeeding through a ridiculously painful injury that required the type of ointment they use on burn victims and nearly 12 weeks to heal. It hasn't been a walk in the park, but I think we finally have the hang of it. Enter a new challenge - pumping.
The first week back I pumped 1 ounce more than she took each day. Hooray! Second week - still and extra ounce! Third week - not so lucky. I am short an ounce a day.
So I asked my preemie mom friends for help. I have added a pumping in the morning, started taking motherslove more milk plus special blend (a combination of herbs), used the letdown button on my pump, added 5 minutes to my pumping session and am drinking more than I ever have. This morning my bladder hurt ( a lot really) from being too full.
Today I am back to making enough milk. I might accidentally drown myself in the process, but we're getting there!

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Differences

Before I even got pregnant with Ellen, I wondered how I could love her like I love Ryan. I know it's the cliche, but I was worried. I fought so hard for him, through infertility, high-risk pregnancy, and the nicu. I fught for every developmental milestone, every ounce of forumla eaten and everynounce of breast milk pumped. Ellen was kind enough to try to level the playing field by being equally difficult to conceive and by giving me a scare with bleeding at 17 weeks, but she listened to me and stayednout the whole 39 weeks.
And a girl?! How was I supposed to raise a girl? I know boys. After 8 boys in the family, a girl was a complete change.
After almost 13 weeks (well, I realized it on day 1, but am writing it at 13 weeks), I can honestly say I wouldn't have it any other way. Ellen is so wonderfully different than Ryan. I love her just as much, but in a completely different way and for completely different reasons.
When i look into ryan's eyes, i see myself. I see my sense of humor, my independent streak, my particularities. Ellen reminds me of her dad and everything I love about him. When I watch a wedding, I no longer think of my wedding, I think of hers. I wonder what it will be like and what her dress will look like. I know, however, that she will be the most beautiful bride ever.
When inseethem together, I couldn't be happier. The way Ryan cares for her and worries about her and the way she looks at him and smiles is miraculous. Sometimes I can't believe they are mine. Each of them with their similarities and differences.

kids

it's been awhile since i have updated on the kiddos, so here's a quick summary.
ryan has been doing great. he has been very well behaved and is totally in love with construction equipment. i know more about what type of truck is what than i ever expected. he picked out a dolly for ellen at toys r us the other day and asked if we could buy it for her - i think my heart melted. witness the crazy lady with a 2 year old in toys r us with tears in her eyes. :)
ellen is getting big. i tried to put her in 3 month jammies tonight and they were about an inch and a half short. i swear they fit the other day. good thing we stopped for some 6 month pjs on the way to iowa! she's been smiling a ton and babbling a lot. especially to her new dolly. she loves to sit up and enjoys sitting in the bumbo and watching what's going on.
watching the 2 of them interact is the most amazing thing ever. to see the way she looks at ryan and to hear ryan talk to her so nicely is beyond what i could ever have imagined. i'm blessed beyond words.

week 3, days 2, 3, and 1 again

i finished week 3, although it took longer than it should have. with starting work again, it's been harder to find the time and motivation.
i decided to repeat week 3 because week 4 looks scary. i did run 1 again yesterday (thank you to michael for telling me to go when i tried to back out) and it was probably the worst run i've had to date. i actually didn't make it through the 2nd 3 minute run. i stopped at about 2 minutes for 30 seconds, but i picked it back up and finished out my 3 minutes. ouch. i just felt heavy and not good.
also, i left my ipod in iowa last weekend and so i've been running without it. it's amazing what music can do for a run.
next time (tomorrow) will be better.

loopholes

ryan went on the potty at daycare last week! he was rewarded with a small toy backhoe. we told him that if he went potty on the potty again the next day, he could have a roller. (he is obsessed with construction equipment right now)
when i went to pick him up, i asked if he had gone potty on the potty. he said yes and told me that he had tooted on the potty. when i told him that tooting didn't count, he looked at me like i was crazy and told me that he had tooted on the potty and he wanted his roller.
this is what happens when 2 lawyers have a kid. the next day the terms of the agreement were modified to state that he had to either pee or poop on the potty. :)

ER

two years, 7 months, and 13 days. that's how long it took us to need to go to the emergency room for a true emergency. we've been in a couple of times for wheezing, but it wasn't quite so urgent.
as ryan was preparing for his nap yesterday, he was jumping on his bed. well, as the song says, he fell off and bumped his head. he landed lip-first on the train table. there was blood EVERYWHERE. we weren't sure if he had bit through his lip and thought we should go in to check and see if he needed stitches. so we all hopped in the car, me in the back with the kids, and off we went to childrens' hospital of wisconsin.
ryan was crying pretty hard before we left. by the time we got to the car, he had calmed down significantly and was mostly just upset by the blood on his hands. we cleaned him up and he was mostly just shaken up.
we were put into the world's hottest exam room where we waited and watched spongebob. given it was nap time, ryan was not at his best and got into everything. eventually we saw a nurse practitioner, a doctor, and another doctor before we decided that stitches weren't necessary. there were 2 wounds that could have used one, but odds are that he would have just bitten them out anyways.
we finally made it home at 3, about 2 hours past naptime. ryan slept until 7:30 and is no worse for the wear today. he does have quite the battle wound though, making his already big lips even bigger.
the moral of the story is - no more monkeys jumping on the bed.

week 3, day 1

it was really nice out on thursday and i talked michael into running with me and the kiddos. we had a 90 second run, 90 second walk, 3 minute run, 3 minute walk, then repeat. the 3 minute runs hurt, a lot, but i got through them. i was honestly surprised that i could do it!
unfortunately, it's not so nice out now and i'm having a hard time finding the motivation to go again. tomorrow is the day. week 3, day 2, watch out. i'm coming for you!

potty failing

we attempted potty training for the second time (the first was at 18 months, way too early) this past weekend.
ryan woke up in a terrible mood and we should have taken the hint. he would have nothing to do with the toilet. after 4 accidents, we quit. potty training 3.0 is scheduled for this weekend.
to date no other experience has made me feel more like i have no idea what i'm doing. i would rather shoot myself in the foot and chew tin foil than potty train this kid. but alas, he's in size 6 diapers and they don't go any bigger. oh well.

week 2 complete!

the last 2 runs have been on the treadmill in the clubhouse (the one silver lining in this stupid apartment situation!) and they've gone pretty well. today i really pushed myself, increasing my walking speed to 3.5 and running the first 3 intervals at 5.0mph, the next 2 at 5.2, and the last one at 5.5mph.
next week scares me. i don't remember the exact plan, but i know there's a 3 minute stretch in there! eek!
now, if it could just cool down a smidge so i could run outside. although i think it's good for me to use the treadmill so i can better manage my pace.

the one where i shamelessly go on and on about my amazing child

ryan's final NICU follow-up (30 month adjusted) was today. he scored well above his adjusted age at his last (18 month adjusted) appointment, but i figured it would be fun to see how far he's come.
we met with the speech and occupational therapists and they worked with him together. the occupational therapist plays "games" with him, asking him to do things like stack blocks, put puzzles together, and thread a string through blocks. at the same time, the speech therapist is asking him questions about the objects and talking to him about pictures.
he scored at 35 months in occupational and receptive speech (listening) and at 42 months in expressive speech (talking). 42 MONTHS - that's a 3.5 year old, a year older than his actual age. pretty impressive to be a year ahead when you've only got 2.5 years under your belt. the speech therapist said that he would have likely scored higher on the receptive speech but he was more interested in the "games" that the occupational therapist had. :)
the doctor said that we are not only on track to having the biggest preemie ever, but also the smartest. i couldn't agree more! :)
in observing his time with the therapists i noticed that he definitely gets bored when he's not challenged. he was sitting back in his chair with an "are you kidding me" look on his face during a large part of the speech therapy portion. at one point, as they were asking him to name the color of specific crayons, he started giving intentional wrong answers and then correcting himself when the therapist moved on without doing so. apparently he's a smartass in addition to being a smart little dude. but it gives me insight into what we need to keep in mind when school starts.
i couldn't be more proud of my little man. he was on his best behavior, used his manners, and obviously cooperated for the therapists. ryan has kicked prematurity's ass. i wish i could take credit for his growth and development, but i honestly think it is mostly him. he's a strong, independent, strong-willed person. he has come so far and this only goes to show that the sky is the limit.
congratulations ryan on your NICU follow-up graduation!

challenges

parenting has been a challenge in ways i never would have thought. for instance, as ryan and i were driving to his NICU follow-up today, he suddenly started crying and saying his penis hurt. not having a penis, i didn't really know what to do or what questions to ask. so i decided the best thing to do would be to pull over and check it out.
turns out his diaper leaked and he was soaked. he tends to drink insane amounts of liquid and then fill his diaper so quickly that it doesn't stand a chance against the pee machine.
of course, i didn't bring extra shorts. and so began the creative problem solving that i've found myself engaged in quite a bit in the last 2.5 years. thank goodness there was a target nearby - new shorts! problem solved, right? nope. ryan didn't have any pants on. if he was a year or so, i could swing taking him into a store without pants, but he's a gigantic 2.5 year old, so that wasn't going to work.
so i did something i never thought i would - i left him in the car alone. i offered him the choice of putting his yucky pants back on and coming in or staying in the car. he chose to stay behind (don't blame him there!). i rolled down the window, gave him a book, instructed him not to move a muscle, locked the doors, and ran like the wind.
my best parenting moment? no. but sometimes you do what you've gotta do. he was psyched to get new orange shorts and doesn't appear to be permanently scarred. crisis adverted.

2 months

miss ellen is 2 months old! that certainly went fast!
at her appointment yesterday she weighed in at 10lbs, 3oz and is 24 inches long. which puts her in the 25th percentile for weight and the 95th for height. tall and skinny like her daddy! she is meeting all of her milestones and the doctor says she looks great. i totally agree. :)
she started sleeping through the night (10/11pm to 5/6am) last week and it's been great. now we just need to work on transitioning her to sleeping on her back. we got a prescription for some reflux meds from the doctor, so hopefully that will help. she doesn't spit up a lot, but she has a lot of drool and grunts quite a bit when she's flat on her back. it's just a theory, but we'll see how it plays out.

week 1 - day 3 and week 2 - day 1

i love day 3, finally i can see some results! because it is finally summer here in wisconsin, i had to do day 3 in the clubhouse on the treadmill. it was great and i felt great afterwards!
today i did week 2 - day 1 with ellen in the jogger. we walked and dropped ryan off at daycare and then started on our run. run for 90 seconds, walk for 2 minutes. 90 seconds doesn't sound much longer than a minute, but it sure feels like it! it was definitely difficult and a challenge to push through, but we made it. i made a new playlist for my ipod, so that was helpful i think.
i am excited to try day 2 and see if it's easier or harder than last week....

Week 1 day 2

Remember when I said day 1 hurt? I forgot that day 2 is always way worse. You're still sore from day 1 and your body now remembers that it hurts to run. But I did it. All 8 intervals even though I was dying by number 5. Ellen didn't even freak out. Onto day 3!!

week 1 - day 1

one of my "by the time i turn 31" goals is to run a 5k. being pregnant, especially high risk, derailed that plan a bit. but now that i'm 8 weeks postpartum, i'm back on the bandwagon.

i plan to check in after every workout. accountability and stuff. i was going to include a weight diary, but then i remembered that losing weight is not my goal (although it would be a welcomed side effect) - my goal is to be healthy and fit. so instead i took my picture in the mirror and will take an updated picture each week.

i'm going with the couch to 5k program. week 1 is a 5 minute warm up, 60 seconds of running, 90 seconds of walking. sounds easy, eh? yeah, not so much.

i was going to spend today hydrating and then start tomorrow, but realized it's time to be done with excuses and procrastination. and i spent a bunch of money on a rocking jogging stroller and some good sports bras, so it's too late to change my mind! i loaded up ellen in the stroller (with adequate head support of course) and off we went to run and get monkey from daycare.

the first interval sucked. hard. i swear, i could feel my butt jiggling. it almost seemed as if it would hit the sidewalk. ick. i also learned that i tend to lean on the jogging stroller, which is a problem when my cargo only weighs about 9lbs. no more leaning!

i made it through all 8 intervals. for comparisons sake, the first time i started the program (last summer), i could only make it through 5 intervals the first day. was it hard? you bet. but i did it. i ended feeling energized and proud of myself.
the first step is the hardest - onto day 2!

stupid.

the other day ryan called me stupid. i was in the kitchen getting him some milk or juice and he just all of a sudden said "mommy, you stupid." out of no where. we weren't fighting, i hadn't just told him no. it came across as nothing more than an observation.
my immediate reaction was "how dare he call me stupid!" then i thought about it. mean, yes. wrong, maybe not.
i don't know if i've ever been legitimately called stupid. i've always excelled in academic situations and have always been at the top of the class. but here i was, standing in the kitchen, completely offended by a 2 year old.
sure, i can do individual income taxes in my sleep. i discuss rules of evidence while watching legal shows with michael. i once created a 2 variable algebra equation to figure out the optimal amount of formula to buy with my coupons. i can read a book in record time. i have a ton of degrees. i can calculate shareholder basis in section 351 situations.
yet ryan doesn't care about any of that. all he knows is that i'm his mommy. and to him, i'm sure i do come across as stupid sometimes. i can't even count the amount of times i've looked at one of my kids and the only thing i could say was "i got nothin'."
i have no idea how to get ryan to stop turning into a crazy person about once a week. i took ellen to urgent care about 2 hours after we got home from the hospital because i was worried about her breathing, only to find out she was 100% fine. i've said things i shouldn't, done things i shouldn't, and not done things i should have.
i've made my mistakes, but i'm trying the best i can. in the meantime, i imagine this isn't the last time ryan (or ellen for that matter) will think i'm stupid.
PS. i did explain to ryan that "stupid" is a naughty word and that it hurt mommy's feelings. he also got a time out. a few days later, he started to call michael stupid and caught himself mid-word and stopped. success!