damsel in distress

i spent the better part of my life pretending that i didn't "need" anyone. i have an amazingly supportive family and amazing friends, but i wanted to take care of myself. and then i met michael. while the above remains mostly the same, he has shown me that depending on another person isn't a weakness.
this last week has been really, really difficult for me. the combination of ryan's flu (which drags on and on and on and on), pregnancy hormones, pregnancy yuckiness, the fact that i think i caught the bug from ryan, and the fact that i can't take my emergency medicine has added up to a big 'ol disaster more than once. i have completely freaked out almost daily. the sobbing, need to be held freaked out. i'm not proud of it, but it is what it is.
michael has held me and comforted me and not made me feel at all bad about the fact that i am seemingly crazy. he has cleaned the house for our showing tomorrow and fed ryan when i couldn't bring myself to do it. he has stepped in to cuddle when it all got to be too much.
to say that i couldn't do this without him is the understatement of the century. i need this guy. good thing i life having him around. :)

19 weeks

Pregnancy: 19 weeks

Weight Gain: probably down a bit more than the previous 4 lbs, thanks to ryan's flu.

Sleep: still sleeping, still have sore hips

Gender: we think we know, but we'll find out for sure on december 20th.

Name: we have a boy name and a girl name now, but we're not sharing. :)

Feeling: mostly good. the anxiety when ryan was sick sucked, especially without being able to use my "emergency pill." but we got through it!

Cravings: nothing too strong right now

Health: still no more bleeding! hooray!!!! fingers crossed that it stays that way.

Movement: still feeling blurps

Belly: getting bigger by the day!

Next Appointment: December 20th - eek! it's finally only a week away!

in the trenches

OCD is a tricky thing. 99% of the time, i wander around completely fine. no problems or anxiety at all. and then there are weeks and weekends like the past few.

a couple of weeks ago, i was bleeding. some people would probably just freak out and meet with their dr and then relax when the dr said everything was fine. not this person. i continue to obsess long after the original episode, playing through every scenario, no matter how unlikely, in my head. i'm not a reliable source for what my symptoms are because i can trick my body into thinking it's feeling anything. am i cramping? well, let me think about it a minute...oh yeah, there was a slight twinge in my mid-section...but was that me making it happen or is there really a problem. additionally, the first thing to go when i start obsessing is my appetite. i don't eat. and then i don't feel well because i haven't eaten. so i don't want to eat. and so on and so forth.

the past 24 hours have been the most challenging OCD hours thus far. yesterday morning, ryan threw up. and then he threw up again. at that point, it was safe to say he had the flu. well, i've heard about this flu before and i am petrified. i know people don't like to get the flu and don't like to have their little ones sick, but this is different. this is full on fear. my heartrate as been above 100 for the better part of a day. i cannot, no matter how hard i try, relax. i am looking for any sign that ryan might be ready to be sick again, for any indication that michael may have caught it, and wondering constantly if i don't feel well because i'm freaking out or if i have a stomach flu in my future. i'm scared to be left alone with him tomorrow. i am scared of my kid.

i have completely lost it twice - full on sobbing. i think it's just the stress building up and then needing to be released. i think it's also the fact that it breaks my heart that i look at ryan with fear. i stay by him, i comfort him when he's throwing up, i cuddle him and take care of him, but i'm scared doing it. and that kills me. i'm scared of being alone with him tomorrow.

no amount of rationalization can help. i know that the stomach flu is normal, it sucks, but he's going to be fine. i know that he's going to puke on stuff, and i know how to do laundry. for crying out loud, he puked on everything for the first 9 months of his life and that didn't bother me. i know that michael and i might get sick, and as much as that would suck, we'd get over it. i know nothing bad is going to happen, but that doesn't stop the fear. the racing heart. the sweaty palms. the shaking hands. the upset stomach. and that's what makes it hard - if i had a specific rational fear, i could rationally explain it away. but it's really hard to convince the crazy part of your brain that it's being crazy.

so, here i am on day 2 of puke-fest (which has really been a pretty mild 4-incident experience), freaking out. ryan is sleeping in butler's dog bed, hopefully completely unaware of the craziness going through his mom's head. i sit in his room while michael stays with him, angry and upset that i can't control these feelings.

i suppose all i can do is to remember that this too shall pass...

18 weeks

Pregnancy: 18 weeks

Weight Gain: down 4 lbs, but i'm betting a good bit of that is from anxiety (see below)

Sleep: still sleeping, still have sore hips

Gender: we think we know, but we'll find out for sure on december 20th.

Name: we have a boy name and a girl name now, but we're not sharing. :)

Feeling: i've been having quite a bit more anxiety, but other than that, i'm feeling better more often than not. haven't needed a zofran for almost a week!

Cravings: nothing too strong right now

Health: well, the boring pregnancy was nice while it lasted. i had a small bleeding episode at 15 weeks, but the doctor didn't think it was a problem and gave me a few restrictions to be safe. then, on wednesday last week (at 17w2d), i woke up bleeding (not a lot, but enough). given i was sleeping beforehand and not doing anything that should cause bleeding, it was scary. we saw the doctor and he thought i had an irritable cervix. he put some silver nitrate on the cervix (which causes some serious cramping - ouch!), gave me even more restrictions, and off we went. that night i had some bright red bleeding and called the office again. the on-call doctor thought it might be the scab from the silver nitrate coming off and not to worry. dr bear called on thursday and wanted to see us again on friday - after an ultrasound - to make sure there wasn't an abruption issue.
we had our ultrasound and it was great. the baby looks perfect and was moving around a lot. there were no obvious issues. the tech couldn't say for sure whether it is a boy or girl, so i guess we'll have to wait until the 20th! dr bear thinks there is 1 of 2 things going on. the first, which he thinks is 70% likely, is that my cervix is just being stupid and bleeding. that would be the good option. the other, 30% option is that the bag of membranes is partially separating from the uterine wall. while it's likely that the separation will heal within 2-6 weeks like any other wound, it can also cause a lot of problems like premature rupture of membranes and premature labor - both of which have a pretty grim outlook. so, there's a small possibility that the small possibility could cause a serious problem. while that might seem like pretty good odds, i'm usually the outlier and tend to fall into the exception group pretty consistently, so we're treating this as the worst case scenario. cue even more restrictions.
so now we wait. and hopefully nothing will happen. as of this morning, there was no more bleeding. hopefully it will stay that way and this will be the last issue we see. until then, any thoughts and prayers would be welcome.

Movement: still feeling blurps

Belly: getting bigger by the day!

Next Appointment: December 20th (god willing)

2 year ago today....

two years ago today, i didn't know you.

two years ago today, i didn't know the sound of your laugh, your smile, your cry.

two years ago today, i didn't know how much a smile could really mean.

two years ago today, i didn't know that my favorite thing to do would be to hold you.

two years ago today, i didn't know what true love meant.

two years ago today, i didn't know all the words to the mickey mouse clubhouse theme song.

two years ago today, i didn't know what true fear was.

two years ago today, i didn't know how beautiful you would be.

two years ago today, everything changed. two years ago today, i was just kate. two years ago today, you were born.

happy birthday baby boy, i love you more than anything.

17 weeks

Not much change this week. Just plugging along!

Pregnancy: 17 weeks

Weight Gain: still the same. not much change

Sleep: still sleeping, still have sore hips

Gender: unknown - we find out on December 20th!

Name: we have a boy name and a girl name now, but we're not sharing. :)

Feeling: still feel crappy about every other day. boo.

Cravings: right now i have a serious hankering for some KFC mashed potatoes....

Health: so far so good.

Movement: still feeling blurps

Belly: getting bigger by the day!

Next Appointment: December 20th

thankful

two years ago, i spent thanksgiving pregnant and happy. after battling infertility, i was blessed to be 32 weeks pregnant with my little guy. i had an amazing husband, 2great dogs, a great family, a kid on the way, and a house. finally, i had it all.
then i woke up the next morning bleeding. a lot more than i ever had before. i ditched my black friday plans to go buy a temporal thermometer at babies r us and rushed to the hospital instead. they checked me over and, much to my surprise, sent me home. i delivered 6 days later.
thanksgiving will always be bittersweet to me. it will always remind me of the last day i spent in blissful ignorance. it will always be the day before the you know what hit the fan. this year, as i am pregnant again, it's hard not to remember that time in my last pregnancy. but, in light of those things, thanksgiving will also always be a day that i remember just how much i have to be thankful for.
so today, i am thankful for all the same things i was 2 years ago - my husband, my son, a new baby, my pups, my family, my house. but now i know how easily it could all have fallen apart, and the fact that it didn't is what i'm most thankful for.
happy thanksgiving everyone.

16 weeks

16 weeks already! it's going so fast, but so painstakingly slow at the same time! i'm trying to enjoy the pregnancy, as it's likely my last, but that's hard to do with a toddler. honestly, i forget half the time that i'm pregnant because i'm so busy with ryan. but then the nausea kicks in again. :)

i had my 16 week appointment today and everything looks great. the doctor thinks the placenta might be anterior because he always has a hard time finding the heartbeat with the doppler. i swear, it feels like eternity waiting for that whoosha-whoosha-whoosha to come across the speaker. today's heartrate was 160.

we officially have the c-section scheduled for may 2nd at 7:30am. it's strange to have an official end date - it makes everything feel much more real! now, we just keep our fingers crossed that this baby doesn't get any crazy ideas about coming earlier.


Pregnancy: 16 weeks

Weight Gain: according to the dr, i'm down 2lbs overall. apparently i lost 4lbs last appointment and gained 2 back this appointment. my scale has been pretty steady.

Sleep: still sleeping, still have sore hips

Gender: unknown - we find out on December 20th!

Name: we have a boy name and a girl name now, but we're not sharing. :)

Feeling: we are now 3 weeks overdue for feeling 100%. i don't need the zofran every day though, so i suppose i have that going for me.

Cravings: not as much lately. not terribly interested in food in general.

Health: so far so good.

Movement: still feeling blurps

Belly: getting bigger by the day!

Next Appointment: December 20th for the big reveal!!

Prematurity Awareness Day

Today, November 17, is prematurity awareness day. Ryan was born at 32w6d (32 weeks and 6 days) due to bleeding from a placenta previa. He weighed a hefty 4lbs, 14oz. I had received 2 rounds of steroids to help his lung development, however, not in enough time to be fully effective. He received a dose of surfactant within hours of birth. He spent a day on the CPAP and a few days on the nasal cannula. He was under the bililights for a short time and struggled with apnea and bradycardia episodes. After 26 days, he was released from the NICU. He received a shot of Synagis to help prevent RSV for each month until May. We had countless weight checks to monitor growth. We have been evaluated twice by the hospital for developmental delays in occupational therapy, speech therapy, and physical therapy.

There are 2 sides to his story – the side I’ve shared before where I remained positive and strong. And then there’s this side – the ugly, vulnerable, scary side. The side where I feel guilty for not protecting my baby boy. The side where we were forced to consider our child’s mortality just moments after his birth. The side where we held our child as his heart rate slowed and his breathing stopped.

I remember when my nephew Dylan cried for the first time. It’s the most amazing thing. At first there’s no one. Just a couple of adults and a few doctors. The next moment there is this beautiful new person. A person that you love for no reason other than because they are family. Not because of who they are or what their beliefs are or the fact that they make you laugh, but because they are yours. I remember Ryan’s first cry. It was glorious. It was MY baby crying. I was his mommy. At that point, everything became completely worth it. Not too many people experience the worst and best moment of their lives within hours of each other.

I didn’t realize at that point how much of the birth experience I would miss out on.
I didn’t get so big that I was uncomfortable.
I didn’t get to go into labor (at least not “real” labor).
I didn’t get to tell Michael it was time.
I didn’t get to send Michael to the waiting room to tell our eagerly waiting families that the newest McFarlane was here.
I didn’t have anyone waiting all day to hear the announcement of our new arrival.
I didn’t have a doctor announce happily that it was a boy. In fact, the doctor didn’t even mention that he had been born until I asked her directly.
I didn’t get to try to breastfeed until a few days later.
I didn’t get to hold my son until over 24 hours later. I was so excited to hold him and then they sent me back to the room because they had just settled him down. I would have given anything to help settle him down.
I don’t have any pictures of the new family; I took our first picture using the timer on the camera the next day.
And, perhaps the worst, I left the hospital without my baby. I left without my tiny bundle in his giant car seat. I walked out next to a woman that was leaving with her baby. I would be back the very next day and for 20 some days thereafter to sit next to my miracle.
Thank god I didn’t realize most of what I was missing.

Instead, I had to ask permission to hold my child.
I had to ask permission to change his diaper and feed him.
Our birth announcement was met with uncomfortable silence and concern.
I had to pump every 3 hours, around the clock, to make sure my milk supply didn’t dwindle.
I quit my pain medication early so that I could drive to the NICU every day.
My every move was monitored closely by a nurse. I learned how to care for my son under the careful watch of a medical professional, every mistake pointed out.
My very first act as a parent was to fail my child, causing him pain, potentially setting him behind, and putting his health in serious danger. And the rational side of me didn’t give a damn that there’s was nothing I could have done to prevent it.
All of my pictures from Ryan’s first month include tubes and wires.
The sight of a Wheaton Franciscan hospital band or the smell of the hospital soap can still, 2 years later, make my heart stop and instantly tears come to my eyes.
I hauled around an apnea monitor for the first five months of his life.
I visited my son in the hospital on his 1st Christmas.

I waited and tried so hard not to get my hopes up that he would be home by Christmas. I still cannot bear to think of my beautiful baby boy laying in his crib in the hospital, alone, on Christmas. My baby boy, the miracle that he is, deserved better than that. I know that he didn’t know any different, but that’s not how it’s supposed to be. A baby’s first Christmas is supposed to be filled with anticipation and wonder and ridiculous 1st Christmas outfits and too many presents. Not bottle feedings and apnea monitors.
The day I finally accepted that he wouldn’t be home was one of the hardest days. Christmas music was everywhere, taunting me and reminding me that while everyone else was enjoying the most wonderful time of the year, I was dying inside. I was going to have to leave my baby on Christmas and try to move on. We put up a pretty strong front that day. Michael stood by me, telling everyone happy Thursday with me. Immature, yes. Necessary for survival, yes. Two years later, my eyes still tear up thinking of that first Christmas.

The day I brought him home, I sat in the corner of the couch with my tiny baby in my arms and cried.
I cried for the months I didn’t think I could have a baby.
I cried for every drop of blood that I lost.
I cried for every moment I spent in the hospital, thinking I would be there a hundred times longer.
I cried for all of the things I lost out on.
I cried for every minute I spent in the NICU.
I cried for my baby’s first Christmas.
And most of all, I cried because I was happy. I cried because I didn’t think I would ever get to this point. To the point where things finally felt normal. And, I think for the first time since December 4, 2007, I breathed a sigh of relief.

Every milestone that he achieves makes my heart swell. Every time I see him smile, I can’t help but think that I am the luckiest person alive. I had a 10% chance and nothing but problems and I am lucky enough to end up with the most amazing baby boy.
I am lucky that there are no feeding tubes or oxygen requirements.
I am lucky that his reflux, although messy, was effectively managed with the first drug we tried.
I’m lucky that we’ve only been to the ER for wheezing twice and that his lung issues are easily controlled with an inhaler.
I’m lucky that he has grown to be at the top of the charts for his actual age.
I’m lucky that he shows no signs of developmental delay.
I’m lucky that I’ve found an amazing group of preemie moms who understand what we’ve been through and have supported us along the way, celebrating what would seem like the smallest accomplishments.
I’m lucky that he is alive. Thousands of mommies every year never bring their babies home.

Would I do it all again, yes. In an instant. Because being Ryan’s mommy is exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up. He is everything I never knew I needed. When I look at those gorgeous, big, blue eyes, everything else is just secondary.

Please consider supporting the March of Dimes. For Ryan. For Rebecca Ann. For Robbie, Cameron, Evan, Lily, Carter, Aldon, Erin, Lucy, Garrett, Charlie, Lily, Robinson, Evan, Gunner, Emma, Campbell, Savannah, Kevin, Cooper, Hunger, Natalie, Ben, Fiona, Andrew, Brandon, Wren, Jacob, Layla, Eli, Hazel, Maddy, Marino, Skylar, Ella, Sara, Lillian, Chelsea, Sam, Jake, Leo, Jax, Claire, Kiera, and all of the other preemies out there.

14-15 weeks

i meant to update every week, but apparently that's too lofty of a goal for me right now. :) so we'll just try to do every other week.

things are going well. my last OB appointment was outstanding. the baby was being a bit difficult with the doppler, which is the exact opposite of how ryan was. he always jumped right up like he was saying "here i am mommy!" not so much with this one. this one made the doctor work for it. but the heartbeat was there and measured at 167, which is actually quite low for this baby (but still perfect!) as we've been at about 180 every other time.

we officially have our delivery date - may 2nd, 2011. my maternal grandmother will turn 90 on the same day. ryan was supposed to be born on my paternal grandfather's birthday, but we all know how that turned out! hopefully this birth will be less dramatic. at this point, there is no indication that the pregnancy will be anything but normal.

Pregnancy: 14w3d

Weight Gain: none, although a few more chocolate chip cookies and we're going to have to change that answer.

Sleep: still a big fan. the hips have been better the last couple of weeks.

Gender: unknown, although i have my money on girl

Name: we have a boy name and a girl name now, but we're not sharing. :)

Feeling: still tired and nauseous. seriously baby OP, mommy likes to feel better at 13 weeks. we're now 10 days overdue. please stop.

Cravings: still big on nacho cheese chalupas. except i like mine with pizza hut breadsticks, which are located a good distance away. it's ridiculous really.

Health: so far so good

Movement: i *might* be feeling some blurps every now and again, but i can't be sure yet.

Belly: getting bigger by the day!

Next Appointment: Nov. 22nd for our 16 week appt.

We're expanding

well, i guess i should say that i'm expanding. :) we are expecting our 2nd little one at the beginning of may. technically my due date is may 9th, but we'll likely deliver the week before due to the need for a c-section.

this pregnancy has been so different than my experience with ryan. i had occasional nausea with him and never was tired or had any cravings. this time around, i'm tired, and the baby is relentless with the cravings, that is when i'm not overcome with nausea. thank god that my fertility doctor was willing to give me zofran. i'm telling you, that stuff is a miracle drug.

the most amazing thing is that i had an ultrasound last week and we found that the placenta is at the top of my uterus, which is about the best case scenario. god willing, there won't be any other complications...

Pregnancy: 12 weeks, also known as 1 week until i feel much, much better (or at least i did with ryan)

Weight Gain: none

Sleep: still a big fan. my hips hurt sometimes from laying on my side, but not too bad

Gender: unknown, although i have my money on girl

Name: tbd

Feeling: tired and nauseous. thank goodness ryan is only 2 and won't likely remember me being a slacker of a mommy.

Cravings: lobster cigars from wasabi. seriously. this stupid appetizer costs $12. this is ridiculous. i'm also a big fan of nacho cheese chalupas from taco bell and pizza hut breadsticks. and chocolate milk and fruity candy. i said things were different this time....

Health: so far so good

Movement: not yet

Belly: i started wearing my maternity pants about 2 weeks ago. i mostly just look fat, but i'm imagining it won't be long till we move on to pregnant.

Next Appointment: tomorrow. then i have no appointments for a whole 4 weeks!

Goals

I am going to be 30 in 23 short days. Although I must admit that the blow of such a huge age milestone is dampened by my husband's arrival a whole 1 and a half years before me, it still is a big deal. I remember when my parents were in their 30s. And now here I go.
I am exactly where I thought I would be when I was 30, plus or minus a few things. I want a new house. I want another kid (or 2, who knows). I wouldn't turn down getting paid more money, but mostly because I want to pay down debt, not because I want anything fancy. But, for all intents and purposes, I'm 100% happy where I am.
That being said, there are a few personal goals I would like to achieve before I turn 31.

- Get a bigger house
- Pay down some debt
- Have 3 photographs I can really be proud of
- Pass the stupid CPA exam
- Have a 2nd kid (those of you that know Ryan's story know that it's not as easy as it looks over here)
- Run a 5K (which could be complicated by the goal above)

And I'm already working on it. I started the couch to 5K program with a bunch of wonderful preemie moms I've gotten to know. I watched a CPA video during my lunch today. As for the kid and the house, there's only so much I can do, but hopefully these things will just fall into place (yeah right, not my style).

Look out 30, it's going to be a crazy ride.

it's all a matter of perspective

it all started on december 4, 2007. we went to the OB for our first preconception appointment. she handed us some clomid and some specific instructions then told us she'd see us in 3 months if we weren't pregnant. knowing it isn't that easy, i took control of the situation and made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist. after a bunch of tests, a seriously disappointment discussion regarding costs, and a lot of crying, we got pregnant on our first cycle with the RE. not bad for only having a 10% change of conception. we were thrilled.

at our 20w appointment we found out the placenta was low and told that we might need a c-section if it didn't move. after all we had been through, i figured no big deal, right? the control freak side of me thought a c-section might be better anyways.

and then at 22w, it started. bleeding. and then more bleeding, and then more bleeding. until finally, at 32w6d, we delivered. at almost exactly a year, our infertility battle was over and another even more difficult battle was beginning. i felt angry. i felt disappointed, i felt guilty for not being able to carry my baby boy to 40 weeks. i hated the NICU. i hated the apnea monitor. i hated the synagis shots and the hand sanitizer and the weight checks. and on one level or another, i was carrying those feelings with me all this time. why couldn't anything just be simple?

and then today, it all changed. i read a story about another preemie. he was also born at 32 weeks (they don't count the days in gestational age, even though i insist on counting them because they were a long 6 days!) and had a twin sister. his sister was doing wonderfully, but not the little boy. he was 10 months and had a bunch of medical problems, none of which are uncommon for a preemie. he passed away a few days ago from complications from RSV, a serious "baby cold" that is even more serious for preemies because of their underdeveloped lungs and weak immune systems.

ryan had RSV a few weeks ago, despite our best efforts to keep him away as he wasn't approved for synagis shots this year (a monthly shot that decreases the effects of RSV). he didn't experience any breathing problems and our biggest hurdle were the high temps he kept having. but our baby boy came through without any problems.

today it hit me - i'm not unlucky, i'm the luckiest person alive. we got pregnant even though we only had a 10% chance. we made it to 32w6d even though we started having problems at 22w. it so easily could have been my baby boy that had health problsm, but instead we have a perfect, healthy baby boy. i get to chase and hold and snuggle and love my perfect baby boy every single day. and that makes me the luckiest, regardless of what hurdles we had to overcome to get to this point.

god grant me the patience

ryan is, hands down, the most important thing in my world. followed very closely by michael, butler, molly, and the rest of my family and friends. being his mom is truly an honor and a responsibility that i take more seriously than i could ever have imagined i would. i once read a quote about how the bond between mother and child is so special because the baby is the only one to have ever heard the mommy's heart beat from the inside.

i understand mama animals now - i understand why the mommy animal tries to attack anything that comes near her fragile babies. and i think this feeling is special to moms. i know that my husband loves ryan as much as i do, but i don't think he has that same, for lack of a better word, maternal instinct to protect.

i think there's a very fine line between caring for your child and allowing your child to make mistakes and take risks that will eventually make them into the person they will grow up to be. it is the hardest thing in the world to stand by and watch as your child makes a bad decision. whether that decision is something as harmless as not taking a nap or as potentially dangerous as diving off the edge of a chair onto the hardwood floors.

given my love of control, i think i am finding this balance particularly difficult. i can't protect him from everything or everyone. i can't control how people treat him, how they feel about him, or how his relationships evolve. i want nothing but happiness and love for my little boy, but even i know that's unreasonable. he will be hurt. he will cry. he will know love beyond words.

but there's one thing that i can control - the fact that my son will never, ever have to doubt that i love him. even for a second. no matter what. and all i can do is hope that's enough. and all i can ask is for god to grant me the patience to accept the things i cannot change.

blog overhaul and the grand ah ha! moment

after i had ryan, i started feeling a lot of anxiety. i have had some anxiety here and there for a long time, but never to this extent. so, off to the doctor i went. after explaining the things that cause me anxiety, the doctor told me that i did not have an anxiety disorder, instead i have obsessive compulsive disorder. i laughed. when she asked what i was laughing about (probably while considering a completely different diagnosis!), i told her that i was relieved. you see, i've always known on one level or another that i was obsessive compulsive and it was just a matter of time until it because a disorder - knowing that i didn't have an anxiety disorder in addition to OCD was great!

as i've explored my diagnosis in the last few months, a lot of things have become clear. for instance, did you know that having my socks stuck to the bottom of my feet drives me insane? honestly. i will take off my shoes at work and just wear socks if it gets bad enough. and stuffed animals. i have always felt bad picking up a stuffed animal and then leaving it at the store. don't even get me started on looking at puppies!

and of course, there's the big one - sickness. it used to just be puking. if someone was nauseous, i was out of there. if i was nauseous, i was in a panic. it's expanded to include all types of sickness since i had ryan.

what do all of these things have in common? control. i don't do well when i don't have a plan and i don't have control of what's happening in my life. and in the last 2 years of my life, it has become more and more obvious that i can't control most things and i need to figure out how to misplace control.

oh my

last weekend we went to iowa city for dylan's 1st birthday (pictures posted soon). butler and molly decided to stay home and go to daycare/boarding at their favorite place. they had a great time, even if molly did need a bath when she came home!

well, friday night michael and i woke up to molly hacking something fierce. after some quick internet research, i figured she probaby had kennel cough. ick. even more importantly, it's like the puppy verison of the flu or a cold and there's nothing we can do about it. turns out, the kennel cough vaccine is about as effective as the flu shot in humans...

i went to dubuque this weekend and michael stayed home with the pups. molly seemed to be improving, but was now occasionally hacking up some white foamy stuff (which i hear is normal for kennel cough). sunday night, however, i woke up to butler hacking! we were up for a good while with him, as it's very hard to fall asleep when you have two dogs coughing.

i called the vet this morning to see where we should go from here. she said to just watch them to make sure they don't get worse. i asked her if there was anything we could do to reduce the coughing. she said to let them cough, it helps clear up the infection. and then she said this should resolve in 4-5 weeks!

apparently this little situation is the universe's way of getting michael and i ready for the baby....

Growing Up....

come january 22nd (plus or minus a few days), michael and i will be having a baby! well, i suspect i'll be actually "having" the baby, but you get the idea. i will be 14 weeks along tomorrow and i'm feeling much better. weeks 7-12 were not great, but it gets better everyday. i eat a full 3 meals almost everyday now. i actually ended up losing 10 lbs during the 1st trimester!

we've been busy getting ready for our addition. over the 4th of july our friend greg and his friend mike came to town and helped us move furniture (can't move furniture when you're pregnant, schucks!). we moved the office into the sunroom, the guest bedroom into the office, and the guest bedroom is now empty, more or less. we have our bedding, our stroller, a car seat base, a front carrier, a diaper bag, a quilt from michael's grandma, and tons of very cute little clothes! everyone has been so supportive and excited. we will find out in september whether it will be a baby boy or a baby girl. and michael and i have a bet on how big the baby will be. i say over 8 lbs, michael says 7.5 lbs or less. the weight between 7.5 and 8 is still open for bets! it's been a great trip so far. and baby mac has its own website.

we planned awhile ago to take a vacation as soon as we found out we were pregnant. so, we booked a vacation to key west from august 30th to september 4th. we have a great hotel lined up and are looking forward to our last vacation for awhile.

one of the major things we had to get was a new car. turns out the jeep liberty was getting a little old (119,000 miles will do that to a car!) and there was no way that michael and i were going to fit in the car with a baby, butler, molly, and enough stuff for the weekend. i got a new job with a very big pay increase, so we went car shopping. after trying just about every SUV/crossover out there (no minivans!), i finally found the honda pilot. michael had suggested it several times, but i thought it looked boring. turns out it's the perfect car for us! we ended up with a 2005 blue honda pilot EXL. it has a sunroof, sunglasses holder, and DVD player! there are 3 rows of seats and so i think we will all fit just fine. so far i love it! too bad michael will be driving it most of the time since i'm commuting farther and we have a lot of miles to burn on his lease!

things are definitely changing, but we're excited to meet our baby. i can't believe we have another 6 months to wait!

spring time!

wow, owning a house is a lot of work. i know, i know, everyone said it would be, and michael and i knew that one one level or another, but come on! we've been outside from after dinner until dark most nights trying to get our lawn to look less like the desert (not the pretty kind like in arizona, the barren kind...) and more like an actual wisconsin lawn! tonight we tilled up dirt. with this claw looking thing. i don't even know its name.... but it felt like some sort of arm/core machine at the gym!
we bought some broccoli, strawberries, pumpkins, sunflowers and corn to plant in the back. and a lilac tree. i started growing the sunflowers and pumpkin in these cute little mock-greenhouse pellet things, and they're actually growing! so now we just have to figure out how to arrange things in the backyard.
and we got a lawn service. it looks all cheap when they send you the flier...not true when they do the estimate! but we figure we need a little help this summer as our lawn seriously sucks!
yes, it is a lot of work. especially on top of all of our major projects we're in the middle of. like stripping all the woodwork in the living room. and there's a lot of woodwork in the living room.
and we've started discussing new floors in the kitchen....
and a landscaping project....
it never ends.....

michael vs kate at 4:36 am

my husband talks in his sleep. he sees things and very consistently wakes me up to tell me something or look for something, or any other number of things.
on several occasions, like five occasions, michael has woken me up to ask me whether i feel the bed moving. i respond that i do not and he says it is moving. i say no and we both go back to bed.
on thursday night, at about 4:36, butler woke up barking. which woke up molly who started barking. which woke up michael.
he shook me and asked me if i felt the bed moving. i don't like to be woken up under any circumstances. but especially at 4:36. it's too close to when i have to get up. i feel slighted.
no i said. no moving bed, you're just halucinating.
to which he insisted that not only was he not halucinating, but that the tv (which is in the biggest piece of furniture EVER) and for that matter, the entire house was shaking. and, as usual, he assured me that this was NOT something he would halicuinate about.
i heard a noise, but i assumed it was outside. i told him he was halicuinating and that he should go back to sleep.
i remember formulating in my head the perfect argument - what did he think was moving the entire house? an earthquake? but then i realized there's no sense arguing with someone who's already halucinating.
michael woke me up again at about 6:30 am. to tell me there had actually been an earthquake in illinois at 4:36 am and aftershocks were felt throughout the midwest.
who would blame me though? what's more likely - an earthquake in the midwest or mike hallucinating? i rest my case.

i love the spring

this weekend was the first one since February that i didn't have a committment on Saturday doing volunteer taxes. don't get me wrong, i like doing taxes, but tax season could drive just about anyone crazy! so we had the entire weekend to ourselves to do what we wanted.
on friday night we went to dinner with michael's dad, Sue, Erin, Nate, Cole, and Grant at Bravo. it was yummy. then we came home and chatted with dad and mom about the earthquake (see above).
on saturday morning, i slept as late as i wanted. michael went to lunch with his friend Creighton and i went to mayfair mall to wander around by myself, which is one of my favorite things to do. we saw forgetting sarah marshall, which was pretty funny. we went to lowes and bought a new lawnmower and did some research about redoing the kitchen floors and finished up the night with dinner at qdoba. we took the pups for a walk and watched some recorded tv.
sunday i slept as late as i wanted after sleeping with the window open partially. we called Erin and Nate and set a time to come play with the boys. we put our new bike rack together only to discover that it wouldn't fit with the spare tire on my jeep, and then realized if we took the tire off it was fine. we loaded up the bikes and were off to get lunch at noodles and get michael's glasses adjusted.
then we drove to new berlin to play with Cole and Grant while Erin and Nate worked on their yard a bit. we played in the water table and learned all about water displacement, played some soccer, played some T-ball, and took a walk to the park. then we hit the customary weekend trips to the grocery store and sam's club and filled the bike tires.
we came home and had some delicious hot dogs on the grill and cut up some fruit for the week.
now, just watching some tv, might take a bath, and then off to bed!
what a great weekend. tons of time outside. even a bit of color on our skin!