miss ellen is 2 months old! that certainly went fast!
at her appointment yesterday she weighed in at 10lbs, 3oz and is 24 inches long. which puts her in the 25th percentile for weight and the 95th for height. tall and skinny like her daddy! she is meeting all of her milestones and the doctor says she looks great. i totally agree. :)
she started sleeping through the night (10/11pm to 5/6am) last week and it's been great. now we just need to work on transitioning her to sleeping on her back. we got a prescription for some reflux meds from the doctor, so hopefully that will help. she doesn't spit up a lot, but she has a lot of drool and grunts quite a bit when she's flat on her back. it's just a theory, but we'll see how it plays out.
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
week 1 - day 3 and week 2 - day 1
i love day 3, finally i can see some results! because it is finally summer here in wisconsin, i had to do day 3 in the clubhouse on the treadmill. it was great and i felt great afterwards!
today i did week 2 - day 1 with ellen in the jogger. we walked and dropped ryan off at daycare and then started on our run. run for 90 seconds, walk for 2 minutes. 90 seconds doesn't sound much longer than a minute, but it sure feels like it! it was definitely difficult and a challenge to push through, but we made it. i made a new playlist for my ipod, so that was helpful i think.
i am excited to try day 2 and see if it's easier or harder than last week....
today i did week 2 - day 1 with ellen in the jogger. we walked and dropped ryan off at daycare and then started on our run. run for 90 seconds, walk for 2 minutes. 90 seconds doesn't sound much longer than a minute, but it sure feels like it! it was definitely difficult and a challenge to push through, but we made it. i made a new playlist for my ipod, so that was helpful i think.
i am excited to try day 2 and see if it's easier or harder than last week....
Friday, July 01, 2011
Week 1 day 2
Remember when I said day 1 hurt? I forgot that day 2 is always way worse. You're still sore from day 1 and your body now remembers that it hurts to run. But I did it. All 8 intervals even though I was dying by number 5. Ellen didn't even freak out. Onto day 3!!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
week 1 - day 1
one of my "by the time i turn 31" goals is to run a 5k. being pregnant, especially high risk, derailed that plan a bit. but now that i'm 8 weeks postpartum, i'm back on the bandwagon.
i plan to check in after every workout. accountability and stuff. i was going to include a weight diary, but then i remembered that losing weight is not my goal (although it would be a welcomed side effect) - my goal is to be healthy and fit. so instead i took my picture in the mirror and will take an updated picture each week.
i'm going with the couch to 5k program. week 1 is a 5 minute warm up, 60 seconds of running, 90 seconds of walking. sounds easy, eh? yeah, not so much.
i was going to spend today hydrating and then start tomorrow, but realized it's time to be done with excuses and procrastination. and i spent a bunch of money on a rocking jogging stroller and some good sports bras, so it's too late to change my mind! i loaded up ellen in the stroller (with adequate head support of course) and off we went to run and get monkey from daycare.
the first interval sucked. hard. i swear, i could feel my butt jiggling. it almost seemed as if it would hit the sidewalk. ick. i also learned that i tend to lean on the jogging stroller, which is a problem when my cargo only weighs about 9lbs. no more leaning!
i made it through all 8 intervals. for comparisons sake, the first time i started the program (last summer), i could only make it through 5 intervals the first day. was it hard? you bet. but i did it. i ended feeling energized and proud of myself.
the first step is the hardest - onto day 2!
i plan to check in after every workout. accountability and stuff. i was going to include a weight diary, but then i remembered that losing weight is not my goal (although it would be a welcomed side effect) - my goal is to be healthy and fit. so instead i took my picture in the mirror and will take an updated picture each week.
i'm going with the couch to 5k program. week 1 is a 5 minute warm up, 60 seconds of running, 90 seconds of walking. sounds easy, eh? yeah, not so much.
i was going to spend today hydrating and then start tomorrow, but realized it's time to be done with excuses and procrastination. and i spent a bunch of money on a rocking jogging stroller and some good sports bras, so it's too late to change my mind! i loaded up ellen in the stroller (with adequate head support of course) and off we went to run and get monkey from daycare.
the first interval sucked. hard. i swear, i could feel my butt jiggling. it almost seemed as if it would hit the sidewalk. ick. i also learned that i tend to lean on the jogging stroller, which is a problem when my cargo only weighs about 9lbs. no more leaning!
i made it through all 8 intervals. for comparisons sake, the first time i started the program (last summer), i could only make it through 5 intervals the first day. was it hard? you bet. but i did it. i ended feeling energized and proud of myself.
the first step is the hardest - onto day 2!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
stupid.
the other day ryan called me stupid. i was in the kitchen getting him some milk or juice and he just all of a sudden said "mommy, you stupid." out of no where. we weren't fighting, i hadn't just told him no. it came across as nothing more than an observation.
my immediate reaction was "how dare he call me stupid!" then i thought about it. mean, yes. wrong, maybe not.
i don't know if i've ever been legitimately called stupid. i've always excelled in academic situations and have always been at the top of the class. but here i was, standing in the kitchen, completely offended by a 2 year old.
sure, i can do individual income taxes in my sleep. i discuss rules of evidence while watching legal shows with michael. i once created a 2 variable algebra equation to figure out the optimal amount of formula to buy with my coupons. i can read a book in record time. i have a ton of degrees. i can calculate shareholder basis in section 351 situations.
yet ryan doesn't care about any of that. all he knows is that i'm his mommy. and to him, i'm sure i do come across as stupid sometimes. i can't even count the amount of times i've looked at one of my kids and the only thing i could say was "i got nothin'."
i have no idea how to get ryan to stop turning into a crazy person about once a week. i took ellen to urgent care about 2 hours after we got home from the hospital because i was worried about her breathing, only to find out she was 100% fine. i've said things i shouldn't, done things i shouldn't, and not done things i should have.
i've made my mistakes, but i'm trying the best i can. in the meantime, i imagine this isn't the last time ryan (or ellen for that matter) will think i'm stupid.
PS. i did explain to ryan that "stupid" is a naughty word and that it hurt mommy's feelings. he also got a time out. a few days later, he started to call michael stupid and caught himself mid-word and stopped. success!
my immediate reaction was "how dare he call me stupid!" then i thought about it. mean, yes. wrong, maybe not.
i don't know if i've ever been legitimately called stupid. i've always excelled in academic situations and have always been at the top of the class. but here i was, standing in the kitchen, completely offended by a 2 year old.
sure, i can do individual income taxes in my sleep. i discuss rules of evidence while watching legal shows with michael. i once created a 2 variable algebra equation to figure out the optimal amount of formula to buy with my coupons. i can read a book in record time. i have a ton of degrees. i can calculate shareholder basis in section 351 situations.
yet ryan doesn't care about any of that. all he knows is that i'm his mommy. and to him, i'm sure i do come across as stupid sometimes. i can't even count the amount of times i've looked at one of my kids and the only thing i could say was "i got nothin'."
i have no idea how to get ryan to stop turning into a crazy person about once a week. i took ellen to urgent care about 2 hours after we got home from the hospital because i was worried about her breathing, only to find out she was 100% fine. i've said things i shouldn't, done things i shouldn't, and not done things i should have.
i've made my mistakes, but i'm trying the best i can. in the meantime, i imagine this isn't the last time ryan (or ellen for that matter) will think i'm stupid.
PS. i did explain to ryan that "stupid" is a naughty word and that it hurt mommy's feelings. he also got a time out. a few days later, he started to call michael stupid and caught himself mid-word and stopped. success!
Friday, May 27, 2011
baby #3 - the house
now that we have the birthing of the children out of the way, we're onto our 3rd baby - our new house.
we started thinking about building when we were in colorado, before we were even married. we've been considering builders in WI since we moved here. i started agressively pursuing getting this house built as soon as we had an accepted offer. here we are, about 6 months later, and we finally have a hole in the ground. the funny thing is, it should only take about 3 to 3.5 months to actually build the house.
they broke ground on wednesday unexpectedly. apparently the excavator had to delay a different project because of the rain and so we got bumped up. good news! then today i got a phone call that our foundation pouring will be delayed because of questionable soil conditions. bad news. unfortunately, the soil condition is the only thing that we don't have covered in our contract - any additional costs are ours. the only redeeming news is that the excavator didn't see a problem and we're hopeful the engineer will tell us the same. of course, not until we pay him $500 to do so.
i also found out today that one of our neighbors is ticked about us building a 2 story and told the builder they were trying to stop us. the lot was originally slated to be a 1 story lot and we had to have the subdivision requirements amended to build a 2 story. the neighbor that disagrees is from across the street - not part of the subdivision. she said the lot was zoned for 1 story. unfortunately for her, zoning doesn't specify an amount of stories, it just lays out a maximum height, which we are less than. so she's full of bologna. can't wait to trick or treat at her house. welcome to the neighborhood....
so now we wait. the engineer is coming this weekend and hopefully he'll say we're fine and we'll have a foundation and be back on track next week. but then again, who am i kidding, that's not how we roll! :)
we started thinking about building when we were in colorado, before we were even married. we've been considering builders in WI since we moved here. i started agressively pursuing getting this house built as soon as we had an accepted offer. here we are, about 6 months later, and we finally have a hole in the ground. the funny thing is, it should only take about 3 to 3.5 months to actually build the house.
they broke ground on wednesday unexpectedly. apparently the excavator had to delay a different project because of the rain and so we got bumped up. good news! then today i got a phone call that our foundation pouring will be delayed because of questionable soil conditions. bad news. unfortunately, the soil condition is the only thing that we don't have covered in our contract - any additional costs are ours. the only redeeming news is that the excavator didn't see a problem and we're hopeful the engineer will tell us the same. of course, not until we pay him $500 to do so.
i also found out today that one of our neighbors is ticked about us building a 2 story and told the builder they were trying to stop us. the lot was originally slated to be a 1 story lot and we had to have the subdivision requirements amended to build a 2 story. the neighbor that disagrees is from across the street - not part of the subdivision. she said the lot was zoned for 1 story. unfortunately for her, zoning doesn't specify an amount of stories, it just lays out a maximum height, which we are less than. so she's full of bologna. can't wait to trick or treat at her house. welcome to the neighborhood....
so now we wait. the engineer is coming this weekend and hopefully he'll say we're fine and we'll have a foundation and be back on track next week. but then again, who am i kidding, that's not how we roll! :)
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Welcome Ellen!
Ellen Avenarius McFarlane joined our family on May 2nd at 7:57am, exactly as planned. she weighed in at 7lbs, 6oz and was 20in long. now she's pushing 8lbs and was 21in at her last appointment!
the birth day went beautifully. the night before we dropped ryan off with auntie erin and i said a very tearful goodbye. michael and i spent the evening going out for sushi and watching the town. oh yeah, and giving molly's ear a bath cause she was stinky. :) michael barely slept and i did surprisingly well.
we were up and at'em very early on the 2nd. we hung out in triage for awhile, which felt like forever. at 7:30 on the dot, the nurses came to get me. i walked down the hall by myself and into the operating room. a far cry from my very quick trip down the hall in a hospital bed with ryan. it's amazing what a little anticipation can do for a situation. i had about 10 minutes to freak out about ryan coming, i had 39 weeks with ellen. i must have looked scared out of my mind!
the doctor placed the spinal and we were good to go. i had a bout of nausea early on, so the doc gave me a 2nd anti-nausea medicine, which made me feel loopy. it wasn't long before ellen joined our family. she made 2 squaks and that was it. michael joined her as she was cleaned up and finally brought her over. beautiful. there are no words to describe those first few moments.
unfortunately, the rest of the surgery was a bit sucky for me. i was shaky and loopy and couldn't keep my eyes open. not too many people can say they fell asleep during their c-section! recovery was a bit hazy as well. shaking a ton, falling asleep. they gave me demerol, which also made me sleepy. finally i got to the point where i could keep it together and i got to hold my peanut. she latched immediately and we haven't looked back since. :)
recovery was awesome. my pain never went above a 3 and we got out after 2 nights.
the moment ryan met ellen was everything i hoped for. unfortunately, the respitory therapist decided that was the moment she wanted to teach me to use the funny blowing machine, so i missed quite a bit of it. thank goodness for stephanie, our photographer - she caught everything on film. our photographs from those first few hours are priceless.
that's enough for now. i'm going to go back to snuggling my baby girl. i'm trying to take in every moment and remember every noise, every smell, everything. this time i know how quickly everything changes.
here's our preview video from the photoshoot - http://animoto.com/play/t1iW79mAgacexkyxxhsZ2Q?utm_content=main_link
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
38 weeks - the last pregnant post!
Pregnancy: 38 weeks
Weight Gain: i don't want to talk about it...
Sleep: i go to bed about 10-10:30. i get up at 11:30, 12:30, and 1:30 to go to the bathroom. at my 12:30 awakening, i flip to laying on my right side. lather, rinse, repeat.
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :)
Feeling: anxious to meet this little one! the doctor said today that she wasn't engaged yet, but you could have fooled me - my pelvis hurts SOOO bad.
Cravings: nothing specific really
Health: i've had a sore throat the last few days, which sucks. and everything hurts. but we're in the home stretch!
Movement: a little bit less this time. we did a non-stress test today (about 30 minutes on the heart monitor) and she looks perfect though, so she must just be running out of room.
Belly: imagine a whale that walks like a penguin. yep, that's about it.
Next Appointment: monday at 5:30am for our scheduled c-section at 7:30!!!!!
as much as i can't wait to meet our daughter (i think that's the first time i've referred to her as that. i remember the first time called ryan my son - it's amazing what emotions a word can bring), i'm find myself feeling sad that our time with just monkey is ending. as we sit around and play or are being silly before bed, it will all of a sudden hit me that our days as a family of 3 are numbered. while i know that this next stage of the journey will be even better, i still will miss this time with just him. he and i will always have a special bond.
OP's birthday is scheduled to be a pretty exciting day. we're having cupcakes delivered to the hospital (i had a coupon) and have a wonderful photographer coming to document our first few moments with our baby girl. most importantly, she will be there to capture the moment ryan meets his little sister. i'm blesssed to have a picture of the best moment of my life to date - the moment we brought ryan home from the hospital and we were all together on the couch in our house. i have a feeling the moment that my children meet will be equally special, if not more. i can't wait.
Weight Gain: i don't want to talk about it...
Sleep: i go to bed about 10-10:30. i get up at 11:30, 12:30, and 1:30 to go to the bathroom. at my 12:30 awakening, i flip to laying on my right side. lather, rinse, repeat.
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :)
Feeling: anxious to meet this little one! the doctor said today that she wasn't engaged yet, but you could have fooled me - my pelvis hurts SOOO bad.
Cravings: nothing specific really
Health: i've had a sore throat the last few days, which sucks. and everything hurts. but we're in the home stretch!
Movement: a little bit less this time. we did a non-stress test today (about 30 minutes on the heart monitor) and she looks perfect though, so she must just be running out of room.
Belly: imagine a whale that walks like a penguin. yep, that's about it.
Next Appointment: monday at 5:30am for our scheduled c-section at 7:30!!!!!
as much as i can't wait to meet our daughter (i think that's the first time i've referred to her as that. i remember the first time called ryan my son - it's amazing what emotions a word can bring), i'm find myself feeling sad that our time with just monkey is ending. as we sit around and play or are being silly before bed, it will all of a sudden hit me that our days as a family of 3 are numbered. while i know that this next stage of the journey will be even better, i still will miss this time with just him. he and i will always have a special bond.
OP's birthday is scheduled to be a pretty exciting day. we're having cupcakes delivered to the hospital (i had a coupon) and have a wonderful photographer coming to document our first few moments with our baby girl. most importantly, she will be there to capture the moment ryan meets his little sister. i'm blesssed to have a picture of the best moment of my life to date - the moment we brought ryan home from the hospital and we were all together on the couch in our house. i have a feeling the moment that my children meet will be equally special, if not more. i can't wait.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
the one where i complain...
i am a very, very lucky person. not much comes easily around here, but eventually it all works out. i have the most amazing husband, a beautiful baby boy, a baby girl on the way, and am *thisclose* to having my dream house. i have a wonderful support system and a fairly stable job (although the last few weeks have been a bit sketchy - thank you congress).
that being said, being 37 weeks pregnant while caring for a 2 year old and building a house is HARD. not a little bit hard, a lot a bit hard. if i had to choose, i would choose this path over the NICU path every single time, but that's not making this path any easier.
there is a lot to do. i have at least 1, if not 2 meetings scheduled every day between now and wednesday. drop off the builders risk insurance check, copy the HUD statement and deliver it, OB appointment, chiro appointment, closing, get a subsoil guarantee, pick out colors, meet with the photographer, blah, blah, blah. as my body grows more and more tired, i find myself with more and more on my plate. not to mention, i have to get my work inventory ready for someone else to take over.
this is not what we planned. we put our house on the market nearly a year before we sold it. it took us awhile to get pregnant again. i started working on building our house as soon as we found out we sold. yet here we are, closing less than a week before our baby girl is scheduled to debut. fingers crossed that she doesn't have the same interest in being dramatic as her brother and that she stays put until her scheduled arrival.
not to mention, this pregnancy stuff hurts. my pelvic bone cracks when i move after sitting in one position for too long. i didn't even know that was possible. the nausea has returned. last night was not pretty - i'll spare you the details.
and, to add insult to injury, my OCD is in hyperdrive. i wonder constantly if what i'm feeling is normal or if something is wrong. why am i nauseous? am i sick? is ryan going to get sick? OMG, i can't handle being sick right now, i'm too busy. and i can't even consider ryan being sick. i'm hopeful that when my hormones settle down my OCD will return to it's manageable level. at this point, i'm constantly worried that ryan is sick. constantly. if he is staring at the TV, i'm worried. if he doesn't eat a huge dinner, i worry. if he coughs, i worry. if he's quiet, i worry. the worry consumes me and i'm anxious for it to stop, or at least return to the point where i'm only freaking out when there's actually something to freak out about.
that's enough complaining i think. this last couple of weeks is a marathon and we're nearing the finish line. i have no doubt that the rewards will be worth the effort.
that being said, being 37 weeks pregnant while caring for a 2 year old and building a house is HARD. not a little bit hard, a lot a bit hard. if i had to choose, i would choose this path over the NICU path every single time, but that's not making this path any easier.
there is a lot to do. i have at least 1, if not 2 meetings scheduled every day between now and wednesday. drop off the builders risk insurance check, copy the HUD statement and deliver it, OB appointment, chiro appointment, closing, get a subsoil guarantee, pick out colors, meet with the photographer, blah, blah, blah. as my body grows more and more tired, i find myself with more and more on my plate. not to mention, i have to get my work inventory ready for someone else to take over.
this is not what we planned. we put our house on the market nearly a year before we sold it. it took us awhile to get pregnant again. i started working on building our house as soon as we found out we sold. yet here we are, closing less than a week before our baby girl is scheduled to debut. fingers crossed that she doesn't have the same interest in being dramatic as her brother and that she stays put until her scheduled arrival.
not to mention, this pregnancy stuff hurts. my pelvic bone cracks when i move after sitting in one position for too long. i didn't even know that was possible. the nausea has returned. last night was not pretty - i'll spare you the details.
and, to add insult to injury, my OCD is in hyperdrive. i wonder constantly if what i'm feeling is normal or if something is wrong. why am i nauseous? am i sick? is ryan going to get sick? OMG, i can't handle being sick right now, i'm too busy. and i can't even consider ryan being sick. i'm hopeful that when my hormones settle down my OCD will return to it's manageable level. at this point, i'm constantly worried that ryan is sick. constantly. if he is staring at the TV, i'm worried. if he doesn't eat a huge dinner, i worry. if he coughs, i worry. if he's quiet, i worry. the worry consumes me and i'm anxious for it to stop, or at least return to the point where i'm only freaking out when there's actually something to freak out about.
that's enough complaining i think. this last couple of weeks is a marathon and we're nearing the finish line. i have no doubt that the rewards will be worth the effort.
Monday, April 18, 2011
FULL TERM
Pregnancy: 37 weeks
Weight Gain: i don't want to talk about it...
Sleep: a few nights i was awake for a good long time because of reflux. ouch. other than that and some pretty sore hips, not too shabby.
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :)
Feeling: relief! i finally get to see what being full term feels like. as it turns out, it hurts.
Cravings: raspberry sundaes from culvers
Health: being full term is playing games with my OCD. i have NO IDEA what going into labor feels like and therefore i'm always wondering if what i feel is normal. as it turns out, one of my *favorite* OCD quirks is that i can make myself feel pretty much any symptom. pain in the upper right quad? well, now that you mention it, i did feel a twinge last tuesday. so that's been fun. i can only imagine the fun my doctor and i will have together in the next 14 days. thank goodness he's understanding and patient.
Movement: lots and lots!
Belly: imagine a whale that walks like a penguin. yep, that's about it.
Next Appointment: tomorrow at 37w1d.
Weight Gain: i don't want to talk about it...
Sleep: a few nights i was awake for a good long time because of reflux. ouch. other than that and some pretty sore hips, not too shabby.
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :)
Feeling: relief! i finally get to see what being full term feels like. as it turns out, it hurts.
Cravings: raspberry sundaes from culvers
Health: being full term is playing games with my OCD. i have NO IDEA what going into labor feels like and therefore i'm always wondering if what i feel is normal. as it turns out, one of my *favorite* OCD quirks is that i can make myself feel pretty much any symptom. pain in the upper right quad? well, now that you mention it, i did feel a twinge last tuesday. so that's been fun. i can only imagine the fun my doctor and i will have together in the next 14 days. thank goodness he's understanding and patient.
Movement: lots and lots!
Belly: imagine a whale that walks like a penguin. yep, that's about it.
Next Appointment: tomorrow at 37w1d.
Monday, April 11, 2011
angels
ryan is named after one of my best friends from high school. since my friend passed away, i've been blessed to be reminded of him every so often, usually when i need some reassurance that everything will be ok. for instance, the day i first had bleeding with ryan, i heard the five for fighting song "superman" playing at TJ Max. given that this was in 2008 and the song hadn't been popular for awhile, i knew it was ryan, letting me know i didn't need to worry. blond haired, blue eyed kiddos in superman shirts tend to show up at the most random times as well (not counting my blond haired blue eyed little dude).
when ryan was first born, as is the case with most preemies, he laid in his isolette with his arms outstretched and bent, as if he was signaling a touchdown. i know in my heart that he had 2 angels standing on either side of him - ryan and my grandma avenarius. i believe all preemies lay that way because they need the help of their special angels.
i've explained to ryan many times that he has 2 special angels. when he lost his balloon outside and it flew up into the sky, i told him it flew to his special angels. when we hear the superman song, i remind him that that means his angels are watching over him.
last night, as i laid next to him in his bed and he was drifting between sleep and awake, he was telling me all about his angels. i couldn't understand most of what he was saying, but it warmed my heart to hear that he knows about his angels and that he is loved. when i relayed the story to michael, he told me that ryan often talks of his angels.
it brings tears to my eyes to know that ryan, on one level or another, understands that these ever-so-special people are part of his life as well.
when ryan was first born, as is the case with most preemies, he laid in his isolette with his arms outstretched and bent, as if he was signaling a touchdown. i know in my heart that he had 2 angels standing on either side of him - ryan and my grandma avenarius. i believe all preemies lay that way because they need the help of their special angels.
i've explained to ryan many times that he has 2 special angels. when he lost his balloon outside and it flew up into the sky, i told him it flew to his special angels. when we hear the superman song, i remind him that that means his angels are watching over him.
last night, as i laid next to him in his bed and he was drifting between sleep and awake, he was telling me all about his angels. i couldn't understand most of what he was saying, but it warmed my heart to hear that he knows about his angels and that he is loved. when i relayed the story to michael, he told me that ryan often talks of his angels.
it brings tears to my eyes to know that ryan, on one level or another, understands that these ever-so-special people are part of his life as well.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
twins?!
according to the checkout lady at target, i'm having twins! when i told her that i was quite positive that wasn't the case, she asked if i was sure. i think after upwards of 5 ultrasounds i can pretty confidently say yes.
35 weeks, 6 days pregnant (with ONE baby)
35 weeks, 6 days pregnant (with ONE baby)
nesting without a nest
i will be 36 weeks tomorrow - 1 week away from "full term." my goal was to have everything in place and ready to rock by 32 weeks, 6 days, but with selling the house and moving, that didn't fall into place. the new goal is 36 weeks.
i have lists - a list of dinners, a list for the hospital bag, a list for ryan's bag, a list for what needs to be done, a list for work stuff that needs to be done. a list of lists.
we've been slowly making progress - a load of laundry here, a bag packed there, but still had a lot of things to do as of today. and as i get bigger, my motivation gets smaller and smaller.
it seems i forgot all the important things in storage - 4oz bottles, the bassinet portion of the pack n play (aka baby OP's crib), hooded towels. all that planning, and i forgot the things related to food, bathing, and sleeping. oops! my sister came through on her hooded towels and pack n play and i used a couple of amazon coupons to get more 4oz bottles. if she's anything like her brother, she won't need the for long anyways. and hopefully she'll take to breastfeeding and bottles won't be as much a part of our day to day lives.
today i packed monkey's bag for his sleepover at auntie erin's on may 1st. it was bittersweet packing his big brother shirts into his big boy suitcase. that night will sting a little bit - it will be the last night it's just him. the last night he has 100% of my attention as we eat dinner, take a bath, say our prayers, sing our songs, and cuddle. but bigger and better things are ahead of us. he's so excited to meet his big sister - he's always telling us what she likes (songs) and what she doesn't like, who likes her and who doesn't, and that she makes chocolate (i'm pretty psyched about that!). today he bought her a present - a new blankie and a violet (leapfrog puppy) just like his. on the way home today he told me he was going to snuggle and kiss and sing to his little sister. he's going to be a great big brother and i can't wait to see my little ones together.
next up was cleaning out the top drawer of nightstand. leaky gripe water is icky. we got new tylenol (the target brand cause i'm still mad at target for making me replace all my tylenol!) and gas drops. they are in place and ready to go.
we installed the car seats. i'm not going to lie - 2 car seats in my honda pilot is kind of scary. we moved ryan over to behind the driver and i hope he doesn't freak out. the passenger seat is way up and i look forward to 6 months or so of squished riding. :)
we still have what seems like miles to go - set up the pack n play, set up pumping (i'm going to try to start early to establish a good supply this time), pack my bag, etc. we have 21 rings left on our paper chain until we're a family of 4. (well, 20 rings, ryan took 2 off today)
i have lists - a list of dinners, a list for the hospital bag, a list for ryan's bag, a list for what needs to be done, a list for work stuff that needs to be done. a list of lists.
we've been slowly making progress - a load of laundry here, a bag packed there, but still had a lot of things to do as of today. and as i get bigger, my motivation gets smaller and smaller.
it seems i forgot all the important things in storage - 4oz bottles, the bassinet portion of the pack n play (aka baby OP's crib), hooded towels. all that planning, and i forgot the things related to food, bathing, and sleeping. oops! my sister came through on her hooded towels and pack n play and i used a couple of amazon coupons to get more 4oz bottles. if she's anything like her brother, she won't need the for long anyways. and hopefully she'll take to breastfeeding and bottles won't be as much a part of our day to day lives.
today i packed monkey's bag for his sleepover at auntie erin's on may 1st. it was bittersweet packing his big brother shirts into his big boy suitcase. that night will sting a little bit - it will be the last night it's just him. the last night he has 100% of my attention as we eat dinner, take a bath, say our prayers, sing our songs, and cuddle. but bigger and better things are ahead of us. he's so excited to meet his big sister - he's always telling us what she likes (songs) and what she doesn't like, who likes her and who doesn't, and that she makes chocolate (i'm pretty psyched about that!). today he bought her a present - a new blankie and a violet (leapfrog puppy) just like his. on the way home today he told me he was going to snuggle and kiss and sing to his little sister. he's going to be a great big brother and i can't wait to see my little ones together.
next up was cleaning out the top drawer of nightstand. leaky gripe water is icky. we got new tylenol (the target brand cause i'm still mad at target for making me replace all my tylenol!) and gas drops. they are in place and ready to go.
we installed the car seats. i'm not going to lie - 2 car seats in my honda pilot is kind of scary. we moved ryan over to behind the driver and i hope he doesn't freak out. the passenger seat is way up and i look forward to 6 months or so of squished riding. :)
we still have what seems like miles to go - set up the pack n play, set up pumping (i'm going to try to start early to establish a good supply this time), pack my bag, etc. we have 21 rings left on our paper chain until we're a family of 4. (well, 20 rings, ryan took 2 off today)
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
35 weeks
Pregnancy: 35 weeks
Weight Gain: i weighed myself once since the last OB appointment. it scared me, so i'm in the denial stage now.
Sleep: this takes tired to a whole new level...
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :)
Feeling: anxious. 3 weeks and 6 days from now i'll have 2 kiddos. there is a lot to do between now and then!
Cravings: raspberry sundaes from culvers
Health: good, although i'm in way more pain than i thought i would be. apparently my body didn't get the memo that it doesn't need to widen for birth. oh well, the days are numbered!
Movement: lots and lots!
Belly: i honestly think that it's going to sound like a balloon popping when they cut into me.
Next Appointment: april 6th. i will be 35 weeks, 2 days. they're calling it my 34 week appointment....
Weight Gain: i weighed myself once since the last OB appointment. it scared me, so i'm in the denial stage now.
Sleep: this takes tired to a whole new level...
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :)
Feeling: anxious. 3 weeks and 6 days from now i'll have 2 kiddos. there is a lot to do between now and then!
Cravings: raspberry sundaes from culvers
Health: good, although i'm in way more pain than i thought i would be. apparently my body didn't get the memo that it doesn't need to widen for birth. oh well, the days are numbered!
Movement: lots and lots!
Belly: i honestly think that it's going to sound like a balloon popping when they cut into me.
Next Appointment: april 6th. i will be 35 weeks, 2 days. they're calling it my 34 week appointment....
Saturday, April 02, 2011
random stuff
today has been painful. my stomach hurts. my butt hurts. my neck hurts. everything hurts. putting my shoes on is a joke. i have found myself wishing for warmer weather, just so i can wear slip on shoes! but alas, 4 weeks more to go. i foresee much more time on the couch in the near future.....
this weekend has been awesome. scott and jess (www.scottandjessica.net) came to visit and have our annual tax party. they got in at dinner time last night and we enjoyed some great company, complete with conversations about the judical retention election in iowa. this morning we drove around and looked at the lots we like (still no decision on whether we'll be able to get the lot we have an accepted offer for!), which was doubly productive as michael thought our 2nd choice lot was actually totally different than the lot that is actually our 2nd choice. lunch at la fuente (can't go wrong there!), watched tangled while monkey slept, played in scott's TT, and did some sliding. good times with lots of laughs. kind of makes me miss college. :)
ryan has been amazing. he's in a great mood and it's been awesome. tonight he hung out with me when i was taking a bath (trying to ease the pain!) and we sang and talked and had a great time. afterwards, he climbed in with me to get clean and we had quite the splashfest. he kept dumping cups of water over my head. it was a mess, but there was no way i was going to stop him. that's what pure joy feels like.
one final thought - as i was sitting around the other day, i was contemplating bringing the baby home from the hospital. is it better to have ryan home or to have ryan at daycare so we can get settled? i thought about how exciting it would be for us to go to the hospital and bring home his little sister. i was picturing everything in my head. until i remembered that babies generally come home with their mommies - i'm not going to be here to go to the hospital with him. i'm not going to come home and then go back to get my baby.
this weekend has been awesome. scott and jess (www.scottandjessica.net) came to visit and have our annual tax party. they got in at dinner time last night and we enjoyed some great company, complete with conversations about the judical retention election in iowa. this morning we drove around and looked at the lots we like (still no decision on whether we'll be able to get the lot we have an accepted offer for!), which was doubly productive as michael thought our 2nd choice lot was actually totally different than the lot that is actually our 2nd choice. lunch at la fuente (can't go wrong there!), watched tangled while monkey slept, played in scott's TT, and did some sliding. good times with lots of laughs. kind of makes me miss college. :)
ryan has been amazing. he's in a great mood and it's been awesome. tonight he hung out with me when i was taking a bath (trying to ease the pain!) and we sang and talked and had a great time. afterwards, he climbed in with me to get clean and we had quite the splashfest. he kept dumping cups of water over my head. it was a mess, but there was no way i was going to stop him. that's what pure joy feels like.
one final thought - as i was sitting around the other day, i was contemplating bringing the baby home from the hospital. is it better to have ryan home or to have ryan at daycare so we can get settled? i thought about how exciting it would be for us to go to the hospital and bring home his little sister. i was picturing everything in my head. until i remembered that babies generally come home with their mommies - i'm not going to be here to go to the hospital with him. i'm not going to come home and then go back to get my baby.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
34 weeks
Pregnancy: 34 weeks
Weight Gain: i gained 10lbs between 28 and 32 weeks! holy bologna! i'm up 5lbs overall.
Sleep: i'm tired. a lot. but generally sleeping pretty well.
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :)
Feeling: anxious. i can't believe she's coming in less than 5 weeks. 5 weeks sounds so much less than 6.
Cravings: raspberry sundaes from culvers
Health: good
Movement: lots and lots!
Belly: way bigger than i ever was with ryan. all sorts of strangers are asking when i'm due. and one kid at volunteer taxes that asked if i was pregnant. i should have said no. :)
Next Appointment: april 6th. i will be 35 weeks, 2 days. they're calling it my 34 week appointment....
Weight Gain: i gained 10lbs between 28 and 32 weeks! holy bologna! i'm up 5lbs overall.
Sleep: i'm tired. a lot. but generally sleeping pretty well.
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :)
Feeling: anxious. i can't believe she's coming in less than 5 weeks. 5 weeks sounds so much less than 6.
Cravings: raspberry sundaes from culvers
Health: good
Movement: lots and lots!
Belly: way bigger than i ever was with ryan. all sorts of strangers are asking when i'm due. and one kid at volunteer taxes that asked if i was pregnant. i should have said no. :)
Next Appointment: april 6th. i will be 35 weeks, 2 days. they're calling it my 34 week appointment....
hope
i think the root of my OCD fears is lack of control. vomiting and other bodily functions are largely involuntary - they are hard to predict and even harder to control. i like to be in control. therefore, it freaks me out.
my OCD has been considerably worse since having ryan. when you think about it, it makes sense - my body, without any warning and completely unpredictably, began bleeding excessively. then my gallbladder failed and caused me pain like i had never known, again completely unpredictably. then my gallbladder surgery caused disruptions with my digestive track which made the next 8 months very difficult. in less than a year, i went from a fairly healthy person to having all sorts of difficult, painful, unpredictable medical issues. (disclaimer - i know that my conditions are all very minimal in comparison to the issues others face every day. my descriptoin of the conditions as difficult are in relationship to their affect on my OCD)
in the last few months of my pregnancy, i have felt my symptoms getting worse. there is residual trauma from ryan's stomach bug earlier this winter. i find myself watching him very carefully, looking for signs that he is going to be sick. is he eating normally? is he acting normal? is he burping more than usual? coughing more than usual? and he's taken to telling me his stomach hurts and then smiling - now that's what i call exposure therapy! it breaks my heart - i'm scared of my kid. i have to stop myself from running away. i am scared to lay next to him, sit next to him, cuddle him. i do it anyways and michael kindly reminds me that ryan has no idea, but that's not the point. i'm his mom and i should willingly be there to comfort him in all situations.
despite the fact that the symptoms are worsening, there is nothing i can do. i can't take my "emergency pill." i can't up my meds. therapy has proven largely ineffective. so i'm trying something new - acupuncture. will it work? is it all just a bunch of hocus pocus? how exactly is looking at my tongue going to help anything? i don't know. i know that i can't describe my OCD without tearing up. and i know that i owe it to myself, michael, ryan, and baby OP to try everything i can to return to normalcy.
so here's to hope - hope that i can beat this.
my OCD has been considerably worse since having ryan. when you think about it, it makes sense - my body, without any warning and completely unpredictably, began bleeding excessively. then my gallbladder failed and caused me pain like i had never known, again completely unpredictably. then my gallbladder surgery caused disruptions with my digestive track which made the next 8 months very difficult. in less than a year, i went from a fairly healthy person to having all sorts of difficult, painful, unpredictable medical issues. (disclaimer - i know that my conditions are all very minimal in comparison to the issues others face every day. my descriptoin of the conditions as difficult are in relationship to their affect on my OCD)
in the last few months of my pregnancy, i have felt my symptoms getting worse. there is residual trauma from ryan's stomach bug earlier this winter. i find myself watching him very carefully, looking for signs that he is going to be sick. is he eating normally? is he acting normal? is he burping more than usual? coughing more than usual? and he's taken to telling me his stomach hurts and then smiling - now that's what i call exposure therapy! it breaks my heart - i'm scared of my kid. i have to stop myself from running away. i am scared to lay next to him, sit next to him, cuddle him. i do it anyways and michael kindly reminds me that ryan has no idea, but that's not the point. i'm his mom and i should willingly be there to comfort him in all situations.
despite the fact that the symptoms are worsening, there is nothing i can do. i can't take my "emergency pill." i can't up my meds. therapy has proven largely ineffective. so i'm trying something new - acupuncture. will it work? is it all just a bunch of hocus pocus? how exactly is looking at my tongue going to help anything? i don't know. i know that i can't describe my OCD without tearing up. and i know that i owe it to myself, michael, ryan, and baby OP to try everything i can to return to normalcy.
so here's to hope - hope that i can beat this.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
32 weeks, 6 days, 20 hours, and 12 minutes
at 8:12pm tonight, march 20th, 2011, i will officially be more pregnant than i have ever been. while some moms may look at this milestone as a nuisance, i couldn't be happier. i couldn't be happier that my tailbone hurts when i walk. i couldn't be happier that the cup of macaroni and cheese i had for dinner felt like a 4 course meal in my already swollen belly. i couldn't be happier that i'm not sleeping as well, but am exhausted almost all the time. because my baby girl, tonight, at 8:12pm, will have been inside of me for longer than ryan had the opportunity to be.
every single moment counts. every week, every day, every hour, every minute, every second gives my baby a better chance of avoiding all of the problems we saw with ryan - the reflux, the immature lungs, the (temporary) concern over weight gain and developmental milestones.
i've been watching the clock all day - remember where i was, what i was doing, how i was feeling. at 1pm, i remembered calling michael - i was crying so hard i could barely speak. at 6pm, i remembered sending michael to get the pups and take them to daycare for the night. at 7pm, i remembered the contractions starting and being very quickly rushed to the OR for an emergency c-section. my how things are different this time. this time, i'm sitting on the couch, having spent the evening eating mac n cheese and watching monsters inc with my cranky, decided-to-skip-a-nap 2 year old.
this is the point at which their stories diverge. the point at which i have no idea what i'm doing, regardless of the 2 year old i'm chasing.
in honor of this day, this hour, this minute, i ask that you consider donating to the march of dimes march for babies. the walk will take place on april 30th. obviously i won't be walking/waddling, but michael and ryan will be! i i'll likely hang out back at the start and do some volunteering. :) our team website is http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t1534699. this year we are asking people to make a donation of $32 - a $1 celebration for each week i was pregnant with ryan and now have been pregnant with his little sister.
every single moment counts. every week, every day, every hour, every minute, every second gives my baby a better chance of avoiding all of the problems we saw with ryan - the reflux, the immature lungs, the (temporary) concern over weight gain and developmental milestones.
i've been watching the clock all day - remember where i was, what i was doing, how i was feeling. at 1pm, i remembered calling michael - i was crying so hard i could barely speak. at 6pm, i remembered sending michael to get the pups and take them to daycare for the night. at 7pm, i remembered the contractions starting and being very quickly rushed to the OR for an emergency c-section. my how things are different this time. this time, i'm sitting on the couch, having spent the evening eating mac n cheese and watching monsters inc with my cranky, decided-to-skip-a-nap 2 year old.
this is the point at which their stories diverge. the point at which i have no idea what i'm doing, regardless of the 2 year old i'm chasing.
in honor of this day, this hour, this minute, i ask that you consider donating to the march of dimes march for babies. the walk will take place on april 30th. obviously i won't be walking/waddling, but michael and ryan will be! i i'll likely hang out back at the start and do some volunteering. :) our team website is http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t1534699. this year we are asking people to make a donation of $32 - a $1 celebration for each week i was pregnant with ryan and now have been pregnant with his little sister.
Friday, March 11, 2011
31 weeks
Pregnancy: 31 weeks
Weight Gain: this weight gain brought to you by the girl scouts of america...
Sleep: sleeping, but still tired. ryan's not a big fan of mommy sleeping in.
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :)
Feeling: emotional, hormonal, moody, nostalgic, all sorts of fun over here!
Cravings: and we've moved on to egg salad sandwiches for lunch
Health: good, although my stomach has been hurting quite a bit lately. apparently i'm stretching.
Movement: lots and lots!
Belly: way bigger than i ever was with ryan. all sorts of strangers are asking when i'm due.
Next Appointment: march 18th
Weight Gain: this weight gain brought to you by the girl scouts of america...
Sleep: sleeping, but still tired. ryan's not a big fan of mommy sleeping in.
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :)
Feeling: emotional, hormonal, moody, nostalgic, all sorts of fun over here!
Cravings: and we've moved on to egg salad sandwiches for lunch
Health: good, although my stomach has been hurting quite a bit lately. apparently i'm stretching.
Movement: lots and lots!
Belly: way bigger than i ever was with ryan. all sorts of strangers are asking when i'm due.
Next Appointment: march 18th
Friday, March 04, 2011
dreams
last night i had a dream that i was almost 36 weeks pregnant. i was standing in our bathroom, looking in the mirror, and thinking to myself that i could actually go into labor at any time. it was the first time that i, awake or sleeping, considered the possibility of actually going into labor. strange for someone who has already had a child.
Thursday, March 03, 2011
30 weeks
Pregnancy: 30 weeks
Weight Gain: i'm thinking i've gained some, but whatever.
Sleep: same, it seems i need much more nowadays though. exhaustion sucks!
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :)
Feeling: emotional. the house stuff is really getting to me and taking it's toll on my mood. i've also been nesting a ton, i figured i should get some stuff together before this baby comes to live with us in our tiny apartment!
Cravings: peanut butter and raspberry jelly sandwichs and doritos for lunch. every day.
Health: good
Movement: she moves so much more than ryan! and the rib pain that comes with it is awful!
Belly: picture an elephant. that's pretty much me.
Next Appointment: march 18th
Weight Gain: i'm thinking i've gained some, but whatever.
Sleep: same, it seems i need much more nowadays though. exhaustion sucks!
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :)
Feeling: emotional. the house stuff is really getting to me and taking it's toll on my mood. i've also been nesting a ton, i figured i should get some stuff together before this baby comes to live with us in our tiny apartment!
Cravings: peanut butter and raspberry jelly sandwichs and doritos for lunch. every day.
Health: good
Movement: she moves so much more than ryan! and the rib pain that comes with it is awful!
Belly: picture an elephant. that's pretty much me.
Next Appointment: march 18th
Monday, February 21, 2011
29 weeks
Pregnancy: 29 weeks
Weight Gain: no idea. the scale is in an inconvenient place and at this point, i couldn't care less.
Sleep: same, although i cut down on my apple juice/water mix at night and that's helping me to not get up 100 times.
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :)
Feeling: i went to the chiropractor today and that was great. other than that, i'm doing pretty good. leaning forward makes my belly hurt a bit, but i suppose that's to be expected.
Cravings: nothing really.
Health: good
Movement: she moves so much more than ryan!
Belly: picture an elephant. that's pretty much me.
Next Appointment: march 18th for my 32w appointment, although i'll technically be 32w4d. that's weird because my appointments are always on mondays, which is the day i "level-up". with ryan, my apppointment was at 32w5d and i went to the hospital from the doctors. not this time little one, not this time!
Weight Gain: no idea. the scale is in an inconvenient place and at this point, i couldn't care less.
Sleep: same, although i cut down on my apple juice/water mix at night and that's helping me to not get up 100 times.
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :)
Feeling: i went to the chiropractor today and that was great. other than that, i'm doing pretty good. leaning forward makes my belly hurt a bit, but i suppose that's to be expected.
Cravings: nothing really.
Health: good
Movement: she moves so much more than ryan!
Belly: picture an elephant. that's pretty much me.
Next Appointment: march 18th for my 32w appointment, although i'll technically be 32w4d. that's weird because my appointments are always on mondays, which is the day i "level-up". with ryan, my apppointment was at 32w5d and i went to the hospital from the doctors. not this time little one, not this time!
mirror image
when i was pretty young (less than 5 i would guess), my family and i were on vacation with my grandparents. mom took me swimming and was helping me float on my back. she wanted to get grandma and grandpa and show them, but i told her no. she kept pushing and i told her that if she made me do it again, i'd puke in the pool. she decided to test me and found grandma and grandpa. cue the puke.
ryan looks exactly like me and even more like my dad. his personality mirrors both of us in ways that are oftentimes spooky. his facial expressions, mannerisms, and the way he says things are very familiar. as it turns out, he also gets a very, very strong stubbornly opinionated streak from us.
ryan loves his crocs. he has mickey crocs, dino crocs (which might actually be dragons), fleecy crocs, and packer crocs. he takes them off and puts on a different pair lots of times during the day. this morning, it was snowy and so i suggested that we perhaps wear his "stomp stomp" shoes (his light-up tennis shoes). i began the conversation before we even put on our clothes (a robot shirt beacuse all the puppy shirts are in the laundry), explaining that it was snowy and i didn't want his piggies to get wet and that i would put his mickey shoes in his bag and he could put the on as soon as we got to daycare. and then i tried to put the shoes on. cue the craziness.
i put his shoes on not once, not twice, but no less than 20 times. he took them off every.single.time, often before i could get both on. he was crying to the point he was coughing and drooling. finally, i managed to get both on, stood him up, put his coat (not fleece, he won't wear the fleece) and hat (not the green hat, god forbid, the superman hat) and ran into the bedroom to grab my phone. by the time i got back, he had removed his tennis shoes, gotten his mickey shoes out of the bag and put them on.
i wasn't expecting a mild-mannered, passive child. neither michael nor i are like that. but i wasn't expecting to see such determination at such a young age. i imagine, someday soon, that he and i will go to blows again. and god only knows who will win the next time. or the next, or the next, or the next.
ryan looks exactly like me and even more like my dad. his personality mirrors both of us in ways that are oftentimes spooky. his facial expressions, mannerisms, and the way he says things are very familiar. as it turns out, he also gets a very, very strong stubbornly opinionated streak from us.
ryan loves his crocs. he has mickey crocs, dino crocs (which might actually be dragons), fleecy crocs, and packer crocs. he takes them off and puts on a different pair lots of times during the day. this morning, it was snowy and so i suggested that we perhaps wear his "stomp stomp" shoes (his light-up tennis shoes). i began the conversation before we even put on our clothes (a robot shirt beacuse all the puppy shirts are in the laundry), explaining that it was snowy and i didn't want his piggies to get wet and that i would put his mickey shoes in his bag and he could put the on as soon as we got to daycare. and then i tried to put the shoes on. cue the craziness.
i put his shoes on not once, not twice, but no less than 20 times. he took them off every.single.time, often before i could get both on. he was crying to the point he was coughing and drooling. finally, i managed to get both on, stood him up, put his coat (not fleece, he won't wear the fleece) and hat (not the green hat, god forbid, the superman hat) and ran into the bedroom to grab my phone. by the time i got back, he had removed his tennis shoes, gotten his mickey shoes out of the bag and put them on.
i wasn't expecting a mild-mannered, passive child. neither michael nor i are like that. but i wasn't expecting to see such determination at such a young age. i imagine, someday soon, that he and i will go to blows again. and god only knows who will win the next time. or the next, or the next, or the next.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
28 weeks
hello 3rd trimester! we're living in the apartment full time now and only have a few things left at the house. our closing date is officially the 25th and everything is set. we're focused on choosing a builder and a lot and hopefully will be off and running soon! i have no idea where we're going to put this baby when she comes!
Pregnancy: 28 weeks
Weight Gain: i gained 4lbs this month, which puts me at a whopping negative 4 lbs this pregnancy.
Sleep: same, lots of nighttime trips to the bathroom
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :)
Feeling: my ribs hurt. my hips hurt. my stomach hurts. i'm tired. taking the dogs out is difficult. playing with ryan is difficult. rolling over is difficult. but i'm psyched that it looks like i'm going to have to deal with 11 more weeks of this - no preemie for me this time!
Cravings: i'm thinking that 4lb weight gain is due mostly to snickers pb squares.
Health: good
Movement: she moves so much more than ryan!
Belly: lots of strangers have been asking when i'm due, which i love because i didn't really get that with ryan.
Next Appointment: i need to set my appt, but it will be at 32 weeks. it's a bit bittersweet as my 32 week appointment was the last one i made it to with ryan. let's hope there are many more after that.
Pregnancy: 28 weeks
Weight Gain: i gained 4lbs this month, which puts me at a whopping negative 4 lbs this pregnancy.
Sleep: same, lots of nighttime trips to the bathroom
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :)
Feeling: my ribs hurt. my hips hurt. my stomach hurts. i'm tired. taking the dogs out is difficult. playing with ryan is difficult. rolling over is difficult. but i'm psyched that it looks like i'm going to have to deal with 11 more weeks of this - no preemie for me this time!
Cravings: i'm thinking that 4lb weight gain is due mostly to snickers pb squares.
Health: good
Movement: she moves so much more than ryan!
Belly: lots of strangers have been asking when i'm due, which i love because i didn't really get that with ryan.
Next Appointment: i need to set my appt, but it will be at 32 weeks. it's a bit bittersweet as my 32 week appointment was the last one i made it to with ryan. let's hope there are many more after that.
Monday, February 14, 2011
romance
valentines day. i've never really been a fan. it stung a little when i was single and i never really got into it once i met michael. today's activities included michael staying home in the morning due to a sinus infection, my 28 week OB appointment, and scallops for dinner (which is my favorite meal). it will probably finish with us watching the rest of get him to the greek and going to bed around 9. but i don't mind. in fact, i like it this way. because i realize now, more than ever, that romance goes so far beyond what any person could do in one day.
romance isn't going on google to figure out what amazing plans you can make to impress your significant other. it's in the details. it's the fact that michael knew i would be pleased as punch to get a filing cabinet for christmas. it's the fact that he knows when i'm feeling anxious before i even say anything. it's in looking at his eyes when he looks at ryan. it's knowing that he's as excited as me for our new baby girl to arrive. it's in the way he asks me if we should iron the sheets every.single.time we change them.
we're lucky to have found each other and even luckier that we realized what we had was different. i love that guy.
romance isn't going on google to figure out what amazing plans you can make to impress your significant other. it's in the details. it's the fact that michael knew i would be pleased as punch to get a filing cabinet for christmas. it's the fact that he knows when i'm feeling anxious before i even say anything. it's in looking at his eyes when he looks at ryan. it's knowing that he's as excited as me for our new baby girl to arrive. it's in the way he asks me if we should iron the sheets every.single.time we change them.
we're lucky to have found each other and even luckier that we realized what we had was different. i love that guy.
Monday, February 07, 2011
27 weeks
we toured the birthing center this weekend and got a lot of good info. we're at a different hospital this time, so we wanted to see how things would go. they showed us the amazing birthing suites, only to tell us that the C-section people don't get ot use those. oh well, i don't have to sit around in labor for a long time, so i suppose it all works out.
Pregnancy: 27 weeks
Weight Gain: same 'ol, same 'ol.
Sleep: same, lots of nighttime trips to the bathroom
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :) ryan is getting very good with the name now and recognizes that it's his baby sister. super cute.
Feeling: suddenly i feel very pregnant. i can pack for about 5 minutes before feeling like i got hit by a bus. my ribs have also been expanding, which is not at all comfortable!
Cravings: still loving snickers PB squares and froot loops
Health: overall pretty good.
Movement: she's been moving and shaking in there. michael is starting to get to experience it as well.
Belly: it's suddenly a lot bigger! and hard!
Next Appointment: valentines day for my 28 week appointment. holy bologna - 28 weeks?! how did that happen?!
Pregnancy: 27 weeks
Weight Gain: same 'ol, same 'ol.
Sleep: same, lots of nighttime trips to the bathroom
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :) ryan is getting very good with the name now and recognizes that it's his baby sister. super cute.
Feeling: suddenly i feel very pregnant. i can pack for about 5 minutes before feeling like i got hit by a bus. my ribs have also been expanding, which is not at all comfortable!
Cravings: still loving snickers PB squares and froot loops
Health: overall pretty good.
Movement: she's been moving and shaking in there. michael is starting to get to experience it as well.
Belly: it's suddenly a lot bigger! and hard!
Next Appointment: valentines day for my 28 week appointment. holy bologna - 28 weeks?! how did that happen?!
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
26 weeks
yesterday marked exactly 90 days until baby OP joins our family. and 11 days until we move for the 1st time. i'm so excited about all the changes that are coming, even if it's a bit overwhelming in the meantime.
Pregnancy: 26 weeks
Weight Gain: same 'ol, same 'ol.
Sleep: same, although i'm getting up a couple of times a night to use the restroom.
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :) ryan is getting very good with the name now and recognizes that it's his baby sister. super cute.
Feeling: frankly, i'm exhausted. between chasing ryan, working, and trying to get ready for 2 moves, i'm pooped.
Cravings: right now i'm a big fan of snickers pb squares and froot loops.
Health: my nose is stuffy and runny, but i can't complain - it's way better than it has been!
Movement: she's been moving and shaking in there. michael is starting to get to experience it as well.
Belly: i feel like an elephant
Next Appointment: valentines day for my 28 week appointment. holy bologna - 28 weeks?! how did that happen?!
Pregnancy: 26 weeks
Weight Gain: same 'ol, same 'ol.
Sleep: same, although i'm getting up a couple of times a night to use the restroom.
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :) ryan is getting very good with the name now and recognizes that it's his baby sister. super cute.
Feeling: frankly, i'm exhausted. between chasing ryan, working, and trying to get ready for 2 moves, i'm pooped.
Cravings: right now i'm a big fan of snickers pb squares and froot loops.
Health: my nose is stuffy and runny, but i can't complain - it's way better than it has been!
Movement: she's been moving and shaking in there. michael is starting to get to experience it as well.
Belly: i feel like an elephant
Next Appointment: valentines day for my 28 week appointment. holy bologna - 28 weeks?! how did that happen?!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
25 weeks
ok, so now it's starting to seem real. i can't believe we're already 25 weeks. things go so much faster with the second one. i don't have time to sit aroun and ponder the upcoming changes. and with moving added in, there's just so much to do!
Pregnancy: 25 weeks
Weight Gain: who knows at this point!
Sleep: same
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :) ryan is getting very good with the name now and recognizes that it's his baby sister. super cute.
Feeling: much better this week.
Cravings: nothing too much. honestly, my appetite has been crap since i got sick.
Health: still no more bleeding! hooray!!!! fingers crossed that it stays that way.
Movement: i can see it on the outside now. she likes to hide from michael though!
Belly: getting bigger by the day. i'm definitely growing more "out" with her, while i was more wide with ryan. i did have someone tell me i was "tiny" for 24 weeks. i've never had anyone say i was tiny anywhere!
Next Appointment: valentines day for my 28 week appointment. although i get to go in for my gestational diabetes test a week before that. hooray!
Pregnancy: 25 weeks
Weight Gain: who knows at this point!
Sleep: same
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :) ryan is getting very good with the name now and recognizes that it's his baby sister. super cute.
Feeling: much better this week.
Cravings: nothing too much. honestly, my appetite has been crap since i got sick.
Health: still no more bleeding! hooray!!!! fingers crossed that it stays that way.
Movement: i can see it on the outside now. she likes to hide from michael though!
Belly: getting bigger by the day. i'm definitely growing more "out" with her, while i was more wide with ryan. i did have someone tell me i was "tiny" for 24 weeks. i've never had anyone say i was tiny anywhere!
Next Appointment: valentines day for my 28 week appointment. although i get to go in for my gestational diabetes test a week before that. hooray!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
mixed emotions
we sold our house. finally. after almost an entire year on the market. we are going to build - a dream michael and i have shared since we lived in colorado. we are going to have plenty of space - a room for each of the kids, a guest room/bath, a playroom, an office, a garage that both cars fit in comfortably, enough space to host family events. i can actually picture hosting thanksgiving in our new dining room. we are going to settle into our brand new house as a brand new family of 6 and i can't wait to finally relax and enjoy life.
i never loved this house. it wasn't the "you'll know it when you see it" house - it was the "oh crap, our lease is up and this house will work" house. we saw potential, lots of potential. and i think we really worked to make this house meet its potential. unfortunately, even dollar we spent (and then some - well, a lot) disappeared when the market crashed. we've been looking to get out since we got in. i hate the fact that the floors creek. i hate the fact that there are mice in the basement. i hate that there isn't enough room for guests. i hate all sorts of things.
but this is our 1st house. ryan's room has always held a special place in my heart. when we toured the house, i could see how it would look when it was set up for our baby. i cried when we were going through infertility treatments and i wasn't sure if that room would be a reality. i was elated when we finally got to purchase the bedding and paint for our baby. i was devastated when i thought i wouldn't be able to finish decorating because i was on bedrest. i sat in the middle of the room and sobbed as i painted listening to ben folds "the luckiest." i sat in ryan's cuddle chair and pumped for 26 days, angry that i didn't have my baby boy home with me. i sat in the cuddle chair and watched him sleep more times than i can count. i held him in that room on his 1st and 2nd birthdays, at the exact moment of his birth, and remembered it all. michael and i laid on the floor with ryan and laughed till we cried as ryan "fed" us his milk and juice.
there were a lot of great moments here and on some level or another i'll miss this place. but, there are new memories to be made and new moments to be shared. and this time with a little more space. :)
i never loved this house. it wasn't the "you'll know it when you see it" house - it was the "oh crap, our lease is up and this house will work" house. we saw potential, lots of potential. and i think we really worked to make this house meet its potential. unfortunately, even dollar we spent (and then some - well, a lot) disappeared when the market crashed. we've been looking to get out since we got in. i hate the fact that the floors creek. i hate the fact that there are mice in the basement. i hate that there isn't enough room for guests. i hate all sorts of things.
but this is our 1st house. ryan's room has always held a special place in my heart. when we toured the house, i could see how it would look when it was set up for our baby. i cried when we were going through infertility treatments and i wasn't sure if that room would be a reality. i was elated when we finally got to purchase the bedding and paint for our baby. i was devastated when i thought i wouldn't be able to finish decorating because i was on bedrest. i sat in the middle of the room and sobbed as i painted listening to ben folds "the luckiest." i sat in ryan's cuddle chair and pumped for 26 days, angry that i didn't have my baby boy home with me. i sat in the cuddle chair and watched him sleep more times than i can count. i held him in that room on his 1st and 2nd birthdays, at the exact moment of his birth, and remembered it all. michael and i laid on the floor with ryan and laughed till we cried as ryan "fed" us his milk and juice.
there were a lot of great moments here and on some level or another i'll miss this place. but, there are new memories to be made and new moments to be shared. and this time with a little more space. :)
Thursday, January 20, 2011
24 weeks!
Pregnancy: 24 weeks
Weight Gain: scratch the close to pre-preg weight thing - i'm down 8lbs total.
Sleep: my hips hurt! i keep getting shakira's hips don't lie in my head....
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :) ryan is getting very good with the name now and recognizes that it's his baby sister. super cute.
Feeling: ok, this last week was no joke! i got the flu. you know, the one that you get the flu shot to prevent? apparently i got one of the non-covered 3 strains. boo! fevers and achiness suck. :( finally feeling better today!
Cravings: nothing too much. honestly, my appetite has been crap since i got sick.
Health: still no more bleeding! hooray!!!! fingers crossed that it stays that way.
Movement: definitely getting stronger. she's completely oblivious to the fact that i'm sick. i think she's partying in there! :)
Belly: getting bigger by the day. i'm definitely growing more "out" with her, while i was more wide with ryan.
Next Appointment: valentines day for my 28 week appointment. although i get to go in for my gestational diabetes test a week before that. hooray!
Weight Gain: scratch the close to pre-preg weight thing - i'm down 8lbs total.
Sleep: my hips hurt! i keep getting shakira's hips don't lie in my head....
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :) ryan is getting very good with the name now and recognizes that it's his baby sister. super cute.
Feeling: ok, this last week was no joke! i got the flu. you know, the one that you get the flu shot to prevent? apparently i got one of the non-covered 3 strains. boo! fevers and achiness suck. :( finally feeling better today!
Cravings: nothing too much. honestly, my appetite has been crap since i got sick.
Health: still no more bleeding! hooray!!!! fingers crossed that it stays that way.
Movement: definitely getting stronger. she's completely oblivious to the fact that i'm sick. i think she's partying in there! :)
Belly: getting bigger by the day. i'm definitely growing more "out" with her, while i was more wide with ryan.
Next Appointment: valentines day for my 28 week appointment. although i get to go in for my gestational diabetes test a week before that. hooray!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
karma
since ryan was born, he has been an easy child. slept through the night since he was allowed to, switched to a sippy and milk with no problems, eats anything, only cried when he was hungry, etc.
and then he turned 2.
to say that ryan is difficult when we are out and about is probably the understatement of the year. he won't sit in the cart. he won't sit in the basket of the cart (yes, i've seen the little picture that specifically prohibits such a thing - the person that designed that didn't have a 2 year old and needed to buy milk). he won't hold your hand and walk with you. he won't let you hold him. he won't help you push the cart. what will he do? run up and down the aisle like a crazy man and then lay on the floor and scream when you catch him.
so, what does a "good" mom do in that situation? i'll tell you, before i had a 2 year old, i had all sorts of ideas for what you could do. first of all, my kid would respect me and he would listen when i calmly explained that we don't act that way in public. and, in the off chance that my little angel was having an off day, we would just leave immediately.
that plan sucks. it completely forgets to take into account the fact that 2 year olds are irrational beings and sometimes you just need to get groceries, whether your kid wants to or not.
in the past few weeks, ryan has had time outs at target, panda express, church, and various other establishments. i can't just leave the store - i'm pretty sure that's what he wants. i can't just strap him into the cart - he can actually hulk out of the seatbelt. i can't bribe him - he can't hear me above his own screams. thank god i have an amazing group of mom friends that assure me that this ridiculous behavior is normal.
i tell you though - i owe a lot of moms some serious apologies for judging them at target over the last couple decades.....
and then he turned 2.
to say that ryan is difficult when we are out and about is probably the understatement of the year. he won't sit in the cart. he won't sit in the basket of the cart (yes, i've seen the little picture that specifically prohibits such a thing - the person that designed that didn't have a 2 year old and needed to buy milk). he won't hold your hand and walk with you. he won't let you hold him. he won't help you push the cart. what will he do? run up and down the aisle like a crazy man and then lay on the floor and scream when you catch him.
so, what does a "good" mom do in that situation? i'll tell you, before i had a 2 year old, i had all sorts of ideas for what you could do. first of all, my kid would respect me and he would listen when i calmly explained that we don't act that way in public. and, in the off chance that my little angel was having an off day, we would just leave immediately.
that plan sucks. it completely forgets to take into account the fact that 2 year olds are irrational beings and sometimes you just need to get groceries, whether your kid wants to or not.
in the past few weeks, ryan has had time outs at target, panda express, church, and various other establishments. i can't just leave the store - i'm pretty sure that's what he wants. i can't just strap him into the cart - he can actually hulk out of the seatbelt. i can't bribe him - he can't hear me above his own screams. thank god i have an amazing group of mom friends that assure me that this ridiculous behavior is normal.
i tell you though - i owe a lot of moms some serious apologies for judging them at target over the last couple decades.....
Monday, January 10, 2011
23 weeks
Pregnancy: 23 weeks
Weight Gain: i have no idea. it looks like i'm close to my pre-pregnancy weight.
Sleep: no problems! danielle got me a new body pillow for christmas and it rocks my socks! the old one was getting flat.
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :) ryan is getting very good with the name now and recognizes that it's his baby sister. super cute.
Feeling: dude, i feel like crap. i'm achy and coughing and exhausted. michael felt yucky for a long time, and i'm afraid i'm going to be sick forever because all i can take is amoxicillan and tylenol. boo!
Cravings: nothing too much
Health: still no more bleeding! hooray!!!! fingers crossed that it stays that way.
Movement: definitely getting stronger. i bought a doppler online for $15 and it's fun listening to her heartbeat. not to mention the piece of mind.
Belly: getting bigger by the day. i'm definitely growing more "out" with her, while i was more wide with ryan.
Next Appointment: january 17th - 24 weeks!!! a baby is considered "viable" at 24 weeks. don't get me wrong, i realize the dangers of a 24 week delivery and wouldn't wish that on anyone. but getting to the point where we at least have a fighting chance will be a huge relief, especially after the bleeding earlier on.
Weight Gain: i have no idea. it looks like i'm close to my pre-pregnancy weight.
Sleep: no problems! danielle got me a new body pillow for christmas and it rocks my socks! the old one was getting flat.
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :) ryan is getting very good with the name now and recognizes that it's his baby sister. super cute.
Feeling: dude, i feel like crap. i'm achy and coughing and exhausted. michael felt yucky for a long time, and i'm afraid i'm going to be sick forever because all i can take is amoxicillan and tylenol. boo!
Cravings: nothing too much
Health: still no more bleeding! hooray!!!! fingers crossed that it stays that way.
Movement: definitely getting stronger. i bought a doppler online for $15 and it's fun listening to her heartbeat. not to mention the piece of mind.
Belly: getting bigger by the day. i'm definitely growing more "out" with her, while i was more wide with ryan.
Next Appointment: january 17th - 24 weeks!!! a baby is considered "viable" at 24 weeks. don't get me wrong, i realize the dangers of a 24 week delivery and wouldn't wish that on anyone. but getting to the point where we at least have a fighting chance will be a huge relief, especially after the bleeding earlier on.
Friday, January 07, 2011
22 weeks (a little late)
Pregnancy: 22 weeks
Weight Gain: all i have to say is reese's peanut butter cups.
Sleep: no problems!
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :) we tried to get ryan to say the name and he has a very cute nickname for her already.
Feeling: pretty good. i have some antibiodics for a sinus infection, but we're all on the upswing!
Cravings: nothing too much
Health: still no more bleeding! hooray!!!! fingers crossed that it stays that way.
Movement: definitely getting stronger
Belly: getting bigger by the day
Next Appointment: january 17th - 24 weeks!!!
Weight Gain: all i have to say is reese's peanut butter cups.
Sleep: no problems!
Gender: Girl!!!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :) we tried to get ryan to say the name and he has a very cute nickname for her already.
Feeling: pretty good. i have some antibiodics for a sinus infection, but we're all on the upswing!
Cravings: nothing too much
Health: still no more bleeding! hooray!!!! fingers crossed that it stays that way.
Movement: definitely getting stronger
Belly: getting bigger by the day
Next Appointment: january 17th - 24 weeks!!!
Saturday, January 01, 2011
my, how things have changed
in the not-so-distant past, new years eve was a time for celebration. a time for staying up late, hanging out with friends, and maybe even having a drink or two.
and then there's new years eve nowadays. we spent the evening hanging out at home with erin and nate and the boys. cole and grant played mario kart as ryan chased cole from chair to chair to chair. we ordered chinese food and ate it throughout the night, kind of like our own chinese buffet. we sat on the floor in the dining room, playing with ryan's new toys and searching through quarters to complete cole's quarters of america book. we sanitized our hands after playing with money.
ryan was in bed by 9 (and even slept in until 9 this morning!) and we settled in to watch Julie and Julia after our guests left. we were in bed and sleeping by about 11pm.
and you know what? i loved every single minute of it. goodbye 2010 - here's to 2011!
and then there's new years eve nowadays. we spent the evening hanging out at home with erin and nate and the boys. cole and grant played mario kart as ryan chased cole from chair to chair to chair. we ordered chinese food and ate it throughout the night, kind of like our own chinese buffet. we sat on the floor in the dining room, playing with ryan's new toys and searching through quarters to complete cole's quarters of america book. we sanitized our hands after playing with money.
ryan was in bed by 9 (and even slept in until 9 this morning!) and we settled in to watch Julie and Julia after our guests left. we were in bed and sleeping by about 11pm.
and you know what? i loved every single minute of it. goodbye 2010 - here's to 2011!
Friday, December 31, 2010
the thin line between crazy and resourceful
i love couponing. i'm a huge fan of putting together an organized shopping trip and executing it. paying full price for things like cereal, deodorant, and toothbrushes hurts my feelings. seeing a total bill of $100 come down to $5 rocks.
and then there are the crazy folks - the ones that have enough toilet paper to last them 30 years. do i have a lot of toilet paper in my basement - yes. enough to last 30 years - no way. actually, right now i'm low on toilet paper, but it's only a matter of time before there's another good deal. which is why i would never buy 30 years worth. 6 months? yes. a year? maybe. depends on how good the deal is. if it's free, i would definitely do a year - toilet paper is tough to find a good deal on. for example, last year target had the bounty basics paper towels for $0.99. some areas (not our area, so i had to order some coupons off the internet) had a $1 off any bounty paper towel target coupon. and then there's the $0.25 off bounty paper towels manufactuer coupon. net cost for a roll of paper towels - ($0.24). yes, that's right, they paid me $0.24 to carry each roll of paper towels out of the store. even after purchasing my coupons online, i still ended up ahead. and we use paper towels like nobody's business.
i just finished watching the new TLC show "Extreme Couponing." those folks are a bit crazy. one of the women acutally keeps a blog that i follow - the krazy coupon lady. anyways, some of these folks ended up checking out with 9 or so carts of stuff. that's a bit silly. there's NO need for 1,000 toothbrushes. seriously, leave some stuff on the shelves for the rest of us! even if you're going to donate some (which i do from time to time), that's still an awful lot of toothbrushes!
couponing is addicting - it's a game. and there's a thin line between going overboard and being resourceful. especially for OCD folks like myself that are already prone to going a bit overboard. :) thank goodness i have michael to keep me in check and remind me that we probably don't need anymore toothpaste for awhile.
and then there are the crazy folks - the ones that have enough toilet paper to last them 30 years. do i have a lot of toilet paper in my basement - yes. enough to last 30 years - no way. actually, right now i'm low on toilet paper, but it's only a matter of time before there's another good deal. which is why i would never buy 30 years worth. 6 months? yes. a year? maybe. depends on how good the deal is. if it's free, i would definitely do a year - toilet paper is tough to find a good deal on. for example, last year target had the bounty basics paper towels for $0.99. some areas (not our area, so i had to order some coupons off the internet) had a $1 off any bounty paper towel target coupon. and then there's the $0.25 off bounty paper towels manufactuer coupon. net cost for a roll of paper towels - ($0.24). yes, that's right, they paid me $0.24 to carry each roll of paper towels out of the store. even after purchasing my coupons online, i still ended up ahead. and we use paper towels like nobody's business.
i just finished watching the new TLC show "Extreme Couponing." those folks are a bit crazy. one of the women acutally keeps a blog that i follow - the krazy coupon lady. anyways, some of these folks ended up checking out with 9 or so carts of stuff. that's a bit silly. there's NO need for 1,000 toothbrushes. seriously, leave some stuff on the shelves for the rest of us! even if you're going to donate some (which i do from time to time), that's still an awful lot of toothbrushes!
couponing is addicting - it's a game. and there's a thin line between going overboard and being resourceful. especially for OCD folks like myself that are already prone to going a bit overboard. :) thank goodness i have michael to keep me in check and remind me that we probably don't need anymore toothpaste for awhile.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
NICU day
every december 29th, we celebrate the day ryan came home from the hospital. last year we went to lunch at the mall and ate some pizza and then went to build a bear. we have plans tonight, so we celebrated last night. we got some dinner at outback and ryan enjoyed their delicious mac n cheese. he even got his own sprite (don't tell anyone!). then we went off to toys r us to let ryan pick out a toy. any toy. we wandered around for about an hour. we looked at trains - nope, "put back!" we looked at books - nope, same response. we looked at pillow pets and snuggled them a bit, but nope. we looked at DVDs - nope. we looked at music - nope. we even looked at dance star mickey (which i have been not so secretly wanting to get him) - nope.
here's what we left with:
of all the toys at toys r us, we ended up with the $12 corn popper. he loves the thing! i guess the guy knows what he likes!
and, for comparisons sake, here's a picture of ryan the day we brought him home. he weighed just under 6lbs at the time, as compared to 34lbs, 10oz 2 years later.
this is my favorite picture of all time - i look like crap, you can see the tears coming down my face, but it's the most honest, emotionally raw picture i've ever seen. this exact moment is the best moment of my life - the moment i realized that all of my dreams had come true. i love you monkey!!!
here's what we left with:
of all the toys at toys r us, we ended up with the $12 corn popper. he loves the thing! i guess the guy knows what he likes!
and, for comparisons sake, here's a picture of ryan the day we brought him home. he weighed just under 6lbs at the time, as compared to 34lbs, 10oz 2 years later.
this is my favorite picture of all time - i look like crap, you can see the tears coming down my face, but it's the most honest, emotionally raw picture i've ever seen. this exact moment is the best moment of my life - the moment i realized that all of my dreams had come true. i love you monkey!!!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
21 weeks
Pregnancy: 21 weeks
Weight Gain: due to some delicious chocolate chip cookies, i'm expecting last week's weight loss has diminished.
Sleep: i love to sleep, although the hips are starting to hurt again. i was thinking of a pregnancy body pillow, but there's no room in our bed!
Gender: Girl!!! ahh!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :) we tried to get ryan to say the name and he has a very cute nickname for her already.
Feeling: i caught ryan's cold and that's no fun!
Cravings: there's a new vietnamese restaurant nearby and i'm loving their chicken bun.
Health: still no more bleeding! hooray!!!! fingers crossed that it stays that way.
Movement: apparently my bladder/cervix is a trampoline and she's dancing it up in there! ouch!
Belly: getting bigger by the day - balancing the laptop on my lap is getting harder
Next Appointment: oh crap, i need to make our 24 week appointment!
Weight Gain: due to some delicious chocolate chip cookies, i'm expecting last week's weight loss has diminished.
Sleep: i love to sleep, although the hips are starting to hurt again. i was thinking of a pregnancy body pillow, but there's no room in our bed!
Gender: Girl!!! ahh!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :) we tried to get ryan to say the name and he has a very cute nickname for her already.
Feeling: i caught ryan's cold and that's no fun!
Cravings: there's a new vietnamese restaurant nearby and i'm loving their chicken bun.
Health: still no more bleeding! hooray!!!! fingers crossed that it stays that way.
Movement: apparently my bladder/cervix is a trampoline and she's dancing it up in there! ouch!
Belly: getting bigger by the day - balancing the laptop on my lap is getting harder
Next Appointment: oh crap, i need to make our 24 week appointment!
Christmas - Parts I, II, and III
christmas has been a bit bittersweet the last 2 years. in 2008, ryan was still in the NICU. in 2009, we took a christmas eve trip to the ER because he was wheezing. this year we were determined to have a hospital-free holiday!
our first christmas was with michael's mom on november 21st. we enjoyed our time together and ryan got some new choo choos, which are always a big hit.
next up was oshkosh christmas on december 18th. ryan had the flu right beforehand and i had come down with it midweek, so things were looking a little iffy as we neared saturday, but everyone was healthy and happy (until the next day when michael came down with the flu as well). ryan enjoyed dinner and went crazy over the beef tenderloin. he even shared some with the nutcracker at our table. we got some great stuff - too much to even mention! ryan loves playing with his new fish tank light and can't get enough of the mr. potato head playdoh. i can't wait to use my new boba carrier with baby OP and michael is loving having a new sweater to wear every day.
this year we had our first actual christmas day at our house. we went to all you can eat sushi with carrie and joe on christmas eve and ryan was difficult to say the least! he had started with a runny nose and some coughing, so we gave him some benadryl before bed. apparently he is the exception to the rule and benadryl makes him hyper - he was up partying like a rockstar from 1:30-3:30am! he got up for good at 7 and we came downstairs to see what santa had brought. ryan was thrilled with his new cardboard blocks and was super excited to open his presents. it took all of about 15 minutes to unwrap everything. we've been playing with his new tag jr books, chuck the truck, and moon lamp ever since. michael got me some pretty candle holders that i've wanted and a potato ricer and i got him a donald driver throwback jersey, which apparently brought good luck to the pack this weekend!
unfortunately, as the holiday went on, ryan's cold progressed and got passed to me (michael started the whole deal). he did have a bit of wheezing on christmas day, but we took care of it with his inhaler. finally we avoided the hospital! :) as of our doctors appointment yesterday, he has 1 full blown ear infection, 1 on the way, and pink eye. you wouldn't know it by watching him - he's in a great mood!
we have iowa christmas the weekend of january 8th and can't wait!!
our first christmas was with michael's mom on november 21st. we enjoyed our time together and ryan got some new choo choos, which are always a big hit.
next up was oshkosh christmas on december 18th. ryan had the flu right beforehand and i had come down with it midweek, so things were looking a little iffy as we neared saturday, but everyone was healthy and happy (until the next day when michael came down with the flu as well). ryan enjoyed dinner and went crazy over the beef tenderloin. he even shared some with the nutcracker at our table. we got some great stuff - too much to even mention! ryan loves playing with his new fish tank light and can't get enough of the mr. potato head playdoh. i can't wait to use my new boba carrier with baby OP and michael is loving having a new sweater to wear every day.
this year we had our first actual christmas day at our house. we went to all you can eat sushi with carrie and joe on christmas eve and ryan was difficult to say the least! he had started with a runny nose and some coughing, so we gave him some benadryl before bed. apparently he is the exception to the rule and benadryl makes him hyper - he was up partying like a rockstar from 1:30-3:30am! he got up for good at 7 and we came downstairs to see what santa had brought. ryan was thrilled with his new cardboard blocks and was super excited to open his presents. it took all of about 15 minutes to unwrap everything. we've been playing with his new tag jr books, chuck the truck, and moon lamp ever since. michael got me some pretty candle holders that i've wanted and a potato ricer and i got him a donald driver throwback jersey, which apparently brought good luck to the pack this weekend!
unfortunately, as the holiday went on, ryan's cold progressed and got passed to me (michael started the whole deal). he did have a bit of wheezing on christmas day, but we took care of it with his inhaler. finally we avoided the hospital! :) as of our doctors appointment yesterday, he has 1 full blown ear infection, 1 on the way, and pink eye. you wouldn't know it by watching him - he's in a great mood!
we have iowa christmas the weekend of january 8th and can't wait!!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
ryan - 2 years old
to say i'm proud of how far ryan has come is the understatement of the year. 2 years ago i was holding him in the hospital, willing him to eat. i offered him puppies, ponies, money, everything i could think of. and nothing worked. today, i had to tell him that he had done enough snacking and that perhaps it was time for a break.
a few weeks ago, we had his 2 year appointment. he weighed in at 34lbs, 2oz and was 38 inches tall. that puts him on track to be 6'4" (they say your adult height is double your height at 2). he is in the 98th percentile for height and the 90th for weight. he has met or exceeded every milestone he should have at this point.
he was in the mood to end all moods today - smiling and laughing from the minute he woke up.
we played with his new puppy, "treats" (a kids meal toy from burger king), offering the new member of the family bites of our food, throwing him for the real puppies, and giving him lots of snuggles.
we colored.
we played with his new mr potato head, laughing about how funny it is to put the ear on the top of his head. we ate cheese and crackers for a snack. or should i say, i ate cheese and crackers and ryan just ate the cheese.
we played choo-choos and made sure to tell each train to be careful going down the hill.
we "argued" about who is funnier - ryan or mommy.
ryan hung a tag he found on the floor on the christmas tree, certain it was an ornament.
we moved the candy cane on our advent calendar to the next pocket.
ryan figured out how to use the boxes that daddy's pots came in as stairs.
during his bedtime story, he was sure to tell the very, very bad fish (from one fish, two fish) that he needed a time out.
it was a good day.
a few weeks ago, we had his 2 year appointment. he weighed in at 34lbs, 2oz and was 38 inches tall. that puts him on track to be 6'4" (they say your adult height is double your height at 2). he is in the 98th percentile for height and the 90th for weight. he has met or exceeded every milestone he should have at this point.
he was in the mood to end all moods today - smiling and laughing from the minute he woke up.
we played with his new puppy, "treats" (a kids meal toy from burger king), offering the new member of the family bites of our food, throwing him for the real puppies, and giving him lots of snuggles.
we colored.
we played with his new mr potato head, laughing about how funny it is to put the ear on the top of his head. we ate cheese and crackers for a snack. or should i say, i ate cheese and crackers and ryan just ate the cheese.
we played choo-choos and made sure to tell each train to be careful going down the hill.
we "argued" about who is funnier - ryan or mommy.
ryan hung a tag he found on the floor on the christmas tree, certain it was an ornament.
we moved the candy cane on our advent calendar to the next pocket.
ryan figured out how to use the boxes that daddy's pots came in as stairs.
during his bedtime story, he was sure to tell the very, very bad fish (from one fish, two fish) that he needed a time out.
it was a good day.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
20 weeks
we had our anatomy scan yesterday! while we had covered most of the stuff during our scan at 17 weeks, it was still nice to see our babe again. all of the important stuff was there and looking perfect - kidneys, bladder, stomach, brain, spine, feet, nose, all the good stuff!
the only thing that was missing was a penis - we're having a GIRL! this will be the first girl after 8 boys in our family. we're excited, but a bit apprehensive as we have no experience with little girls! i *may* have gone to gymboree between the ultrasound and our doctor appointment and done a little shopping. :)
Pregnancy: 20 weeks
Weight Gain: down 7lbs total. i expect this to change very soon
Sleep: i love to sleep. :)
Gender: Girl!!! ahh!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :) we tried to get ryan to say the name and he has a very cute nickname for her already.
Feeling: feeling good!
Cravings: nothing too strong right now
Health: still no more bleeding! hooray!!!! fingers crossed that it stays that way.
Movement: definitely feeling more movement. she moves very differently than ryan did. he was very subtle, she is very muchso not subtle!
Belly: getting bigger by the day - balancing the laptop on my lap is getting harder
Next Appointment: i forgot to make it yesterday in all the excitement, but it will be in 4 weeks.
the only thing that was missing was a penis - we're having a GIRL! this will be the first girl after 8 boys in our family. we're excited, but a bit apprehensive as we have no experience with little girls! i *may* have gone to gymboree between the ultrasound and our doctor appointment and done a little shopping. :)
Pregnancy: 20 weeks
Weight Gain: down 7lbs total. i expect this to change very soon
Sleep: i love to sleep. :)
Gender: Girl!!! ahh!
Name: she has a name, which everyone will learn on may 2nd. :) we tried to get ryan to say the name and he has a very cute nickname for her already.
Feeling: feeling good!
Cravings: nothing too strong right now
Health: still no more bleeding! hooray!!!! fingers crossed that it stays that way.
Movement: definitely feeling more movement. she moves very differently than ryan did. he was very subtle, she is very muchso not subtle!
Belly: getting bigger by the day - balancing the laptop on my lap is getting harder
Next Appointment: i forgot to make it yesterday in all the excitement, but it will be in 4 weeks.
Friday, December 17, 2010
damsel in distress
i spent the better part of my life pretending that i didn't "need" anyone. i have an amazingly supportive family and amazing friends, but i wanted to take care of myself. and then i met michael. while the above remains mostly the same, he has shown me that depending on another person isn't a weakness.
this last week has been really, really difficult for me. the combination of ryan's flu (which drags on and on and on and on), pregnancy hormones, pregnancy yuckiness, the fact that i think i caught the bug from ryan, and the fact that i can't take my emergency medicine has added up to a big 'ol disaster more than once. i have completely freaked out almost daily. the sobbing, need to be held freaked out. i'm not proud of it, but it is what it is.
michael has held me and comforted me and not made me feel at all bad about the fact that i am seemingly crazy. he has cleaned the house for our showing tomorrow and fed ryan when i couldn't bring myself to do it. he has stepped in to cuddle when it all got to be too much.
to say that i couldn't do this without him is the understatement of the century. i need this guy. good thing i life having him around. :)
this last week has been really, really difficult for me. the combination of ryan's flu (which drags on and on and on and on), pregnancy hormones, pregnancy yuckiness, the fact that i think i caught the bug from ryan, and the fact that i can't take my emergency medicine has added up to a big 'ol disaster more than once. i have completely freaked out almost daily. the sobbing, need to be held freaked out. i'm not proud of it, but it is what it is.
michael has held me and comforted me and not made me feel at all bad about the fact that i am seemingly crazy. he has cleaned the house for our showing tomorrow and fed ryan when i couldn't bring myself to do it. he has stepped in to cuddle when it all got to be too much.
to say that i couldn't do this without him is the understatement of the century. i need this guy. good thing i life having him around. :)
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
19 weeks
Pregnancy: 19 weeks
Weight Gain: probably down a bit more than the previous 4 lbs, thanks to ryan's flu.
Sleep: still sleeping, still have sore hips
Gender: we think we know, but we'll find out for sure on december 20th.
Name: we have a boy name and a girl name now, but we're not sharing. :)
Feeling: mostly good. the anxiety when ryan was sick sucked, especially without being able to use my "emergency pill." but we got through it!
Cravings: nothing too strong right now
Health: still no more bleeding! hooray!!!! fingers crossed that it stays that way.
Movement: still feeling blurps
Belly: getting bigger by the day!
Next Appointment: December 20th - eek! it's finally only a week away!
Weight Gain: probably down a bit more than the previous 4 lbs, thanks to ryan's flu.
Sleep: still sleeping, still have sore hips
Gender: we think we know, but we'll find out for sure on december 20th.
Name: we have a boy name and a girl name now, but we're not sharing. :)
Feeling: mostly good. the anxiety when ryan was sick sucked, especially without being able to use my "emergency pill." but we got through it!
Cravings: nothing too strong right now
Health: still no more bleeding! hooray!!!! fingers crossed that it stays that way.
Movement: still feeling blurps
Belly: getting bigger by the day!
Next Appointment: December 20th - eek! it's finally only a week away!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
in the trenches
OCD is a tricky thing. 99% of the time, i wander around completely fine. no problems or anxiety at all. and then there are weeks and weekends like the past few.
a couple of weeks ago, i was bleeding. some people would probably just freak out and meet with their dr and then relax when the dr said everything was fine. not this person. i continue to obsess long after the original episode, playing through every scenario, no matter how unlikely, in my head. i'm not a reliable source for what my symptoms are because i can trick my body into thinking it's feeling anything. am i cramping? well, let me think about it a minute...oh yeah, there was a slight twinge in my mid-section...but was that me making it happen or is there really a problem. additionally, the first thing to go when i start obsessing is my appetite. i don't eat. and then i don't feel well because i haven't eaten. so i don't want to eat. and so on and so forth.
the past 24 hours have been the most challenging OCD hours thus far. yesterday morning, ryan threw up. and then he threw up again. at that point, it was safe to say he had the flu. well, i've heard about this flu before and i am petrified. i know people don't like to get the flu and don't like to have their little ones sick, but this is different. this is full on fear. my heartrate as been above 100 for the better part of a day. i cannot, no matter how hard i try, relax. i am looking for any sign that ryan might be ready to be sick again, for any indication that michael may have caught it, and wondering constantly if i don't feel well because i'm freaking out or if i have a stomach flu in my future. i'm scared to be left alone with him tomorrow. i am scared of my kid.
i have completely lost it twice - full on sobbing. i think it's just the stress building up and then needing to be released. i think it's also the fact that it breaks my heart that i look at ryan with fear. i stay by him, i comfort him when he's throwing up, i cuddle him and take care of him, but i'm scared doing it. and that kills me. i'm scared of being alone with him tomorrow.
no amount of rationalization can help. i know that the stomach flu is normal, it sucks, but he's going to be fine. i know that he's going to puke on stuff, and i know how to do laundry. for crying out loud, he puked on everything for the first 9 months of his life and that didn't bother me. i know that michael and i might get sick, and as much as that would suck, we'd get over it. i know nothing bad is going to happen, but that doesn't stop the fear. the racing heart. the sweaty palms. the shaking hands. the upset stomach. and that's what makes it hard - if i had a specific rational fear, i could rationally explain it away. but it's really hard to convince the crazy part of your brain that it's being crazy.
so, here i am on day 2 of puke-fest (which has really been a pretty mild 4-incident experience), freaking out. ryan is sleeping in butler's dog bed, hopefully completely unaware of the craziness going through his mom's head. i sit in his room while michael stays with him, angry and upset that i can't control these feelings.
i suppose all i can do is to remember that this too shall pass...
a couple of weeks ago, i was bleeding. some people would probably just freak out and meet with their dr and then relax when the dr said everything was fine. not this person. i continue to obsess long after the original episode, playing through every scenario, no matter how unlikely, in my head. i'm not a reliable source for what my symptoms are because i can trick my body into thinking it's feeling anything. am i cramping? well, let me think about it a minute...oh yeah, there was a slight twinge in my mid-section...but was that me making it happen or is there really a problem. additionally, the first thing to go when i start obsessing is my appetite. i don't eat. and then i don't feel well because i haven't eaten. so i don't want to eat. and so on and so forth.
the past 24 hours have been the most challenging OCD hours thus far. yesterday morning, ryan threw up. and then he threw up again. at that point, it was safe to say he had the flu. well, i've heard about this flu before and i am petrified. i know people don't like to get the flu and don't like to have their little ones sick, but this is different. this is full on fear. my heartrate as been above 100 for the better part of a day. i cannot, no matter how hard i try, relax. i am looking for any sign that ryan might be ready to be sick again, for any indication that michael may have caught it, and wondering constantly if i don't feel well because i'm freaking out or if i have a stomach flu in my future. i'm scared to be left alone with him tomorrow. i am scared of my kid.
i have completely lost it twice - full on sobbing. i think it's just the stress building up and then needing to be released. i think it's also the fact that it breaks my heart that i look at ryan with fear. i stay by him, i comfort him when he's throwing up, i cuddle him and take care of him, but i'm scared doing it. and that kills me. i'm scared of being alone with him tomorrow.
no amount of rationalization can help. i know that the stomach flu is normal, it sucks, but he's going to be fine. i know that he's going to puke on stuff, and i know how to do laundry. for crying out loud, he puked on everything for the first 9 months of his life and that didn't bother me. i know that michael and i might get sick, and as much as that would suck, we'd get over it. i know nothing bad is going to happen, but that doesn't stop the fear. the racing heart. the sweaty palms. the shaking hands. the upset stomach. and that's what makes it hard - if i had a specific rational fear, i could rationally explain it away. but it's really hard to convince the crazy part of your brain that it's being crazy.
so, here i am on day 2 of puke-fest (which has really been a pretty mild 4-incident experience), freaking out. ryan is sleeping in butler's dog bed, hopefully completely unaware of the craziness going through his mom's head. i sit in his room while michael stays with him, angry and upset that i can't control these feelings.
i suppose all i can do is to remember that this too shall pass...
Monday, December 06, 2010
18 weeks
Pregnancy: 18 weeks
Weight Gain: down 4 lbs, but i'm betting a good bit of that is from anxiety (see below)
Sleep: still sleeping, still have sore hips
Gender: we think we know, but we'll find out for sure on december 20th.
Name: we have a boy name and a girl name now, but we're not sharing. :)
Feeling: i've been having quite a bit more anxiety, but other than that, i'm feeling better more often than not. haven't needed a zofran for almost a week!
Cravings: nothing too strong right now
Health: well, the boring pregnancy was nice while it lasted. i had a small bleeding episode at 15 weeks, but the doctor didn't think it was a problem and gave me a few restrictions to be safe. then, on wednesday last week (at 17w2d), i woke up bleeding (not a lot, but enough). given i was sleeping beforehand and not doing anything that should cause bleeding, it was scary. we saw the doctor and he thought i had an irritable cervix. he put some silver nitrate on the cervix (which causes some serious cramping - ouch!), gave me even more restrictions, and off we went. that night i had some bright red bleeding and called the office again. the on-call doctor thought it might be the scab from the silver nitrate coming off and not to worry. dr bear called on thursday and wanted to see us again on friday - after an ultrasound - to make sure there wasn't an abruption issue.
we had our ultrasound and it was great. the baby looks perfect and was moving around a lot. there were no obvious issues. the tech couldn't say for sure whether it is a boy or girl, so i guess we'll have to wait until the 20th! dr bear thinks there is 1 of 2 things going on. the first, which he thinks is 70% likely, is that my cervix is just being stupid and bleeding. that would be the good option. the other, 30% option is that the bag of membranes is partially separating from the uterine wall. while it's likely that the separation will heal within 2-6 weeks like any other wound, it can also cause a lot of problems like premature rupture of membranes and premature labor - both of which have a pretty grim outlook. so, there's a small possibility that the small possibility could cause a serious problem. while that might seem like pretty good odds, i'm usually the outlier and tend to fall into the exception group pretty consistently, so we're treating this as the worst case scenario. cue even more restrictions.
so now we wait. and hopefully nothing will happen. as of this morning, there was no more bleeding. hopefully it will stay that way and this will be the last issue we see. until then, any thoughts and prayers would be welcome.
Movement: still feeling blurps
Belly: getting bigger by the day!
Next Appointment: December 20th (god willing)
Weight Gain: down 4 lbs, but i'm betting a good bit of that is from anxiety (see below)
Sleep: still sleeping, still have sore hips
Gender: we think we know, but we'll find out for sure on december 20th.
Name: we have a boy name and a girl name now, but we're not sharing. :)
Feeling: i've been having quite a bit more anxiety, but other than that, i'm feeling better more often than not. haven't needed a zofran for almost a week!
Cravings: nothing too strong right now
Health: well, the boring pregnancy was nice while it lasted. i had a small bleeding episode at 15 weeks, but the doctor didn't think it was a problem and gave me a few restrictions to be safe. then, on wednesday last week (at 17w2d), i woke up bleeding (not a lot, but enough). given i was sleeping beforehand and not doing anything that should cause bleeding, it was scary. we saw the doctor and he thought i had an irritable cervix. he put some silver nitrate on the cervix (which causes some serious cramping - ouch!), gave me even more restrictions, and off we went. that night i had some bright red bleeding and called the office again. the on-call doctor thought it might be the scab from the silver nitrate coming off and not to worry. dr bear called on thursday and wanted to see us again on friday - after an ultrasound - to make sure there wasn't an abruption issue.
we had our ultrasound and it was great. the baby looks perfect and was moving around a lot. there were no obvious issues. the tech couldn't say for sure whether it is a boy or girl, so i guess we'll have to wait until the 20th! dr bear thinks there is 1 of 2 things going on. the first, which he thinks is 70% likely, is that my cervix is just being stupid and bleeding. that would be the good option. the other, 30% option is that the bag of membranes is partially separating from the uterine wall. while it's likely that the separation will heal within 2-6 weeks like any other wound, it can also cause a lot of problems like premature rupture of membranes and premature labor - both of which have a pretty grim outlook. so, there's a small possibility that the small possibility could cause a serious problem. while that might seem like pretty good odds, i'm usually the outlier and tend to fall into the exception group pretty consistently, so we're treating this as the worst case scenario. cue even more restrictions.
so now we wait. and hopefully nothing will happen. as of this morning, there was no more bleeding. hopefully it will stay that way and this will be the last issue we see. until then, any thoughts and prayers would be welcome.
Movement: still feeling blurps
Belly: getting bigger by the day!
Next Appointment: December 20th (god willing)
Friday, December 03, 2010
2 year ago today....
two years ago today, i didn't know you.
two years ago today, i didn't know the sound of your laugh, your smile, your cry.
two years ago today, i didn't know how much a smile could really mean.
two years ago today, i didn't know that my favorite thing to do would be to hold you.
two years ago today, i didn't know what true love meant.
two years ago today, i didn't know all the words to the mickey mouse clubhouse theme song.
two years ago today, i didn't know what true fear was.
two years ago today, i didn't know how beautiful you would be.
two years ago today, everything changed. two years ago today, i was just kate. two years ago today, you were born.
happy birthday baby boy, i love you more than anything.
two years ago today, i didn't know the sound of your laugh, your smile, your cry.
two years ago today, i didn't know how much a smile could really mean.
two years ago today, i didn't know that my favorite thing to do would be to hold you.
two years ago today, i didn't know what true love meant.
two years ago today, i didn't know all the words to the mickey mouse clubhouse theme song.
two years ago today, i didn't know what true fear was.
two years ago today, i didn't know how beautiful you would be.
two years ago today, everything changed. two years ago today, i was just kate. two years ago today, you were born.
happy birthday baby boy, i love you more than anything.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
17 weeks
Not much change this week. Just plugging along!
Pregnancy: 17 weeks
Weight Gain: still the same. not much change
Sleep: still sleeping, still have sore hips
Gender: unknown - we find out on December 20th!
Name: we have a boy name and a girl name now, but we're not sharing. :)
Feeling: still feel crappy about every other day. boo.
Cravings: right now i have a serious hankering for some KFC mashed potatoes....
Health: so far so good.
Movement: still feeling blurps
Belly: getting bigger by the day!
Next Appointment: December 20th
Pregnancy: 17 weeks
Weight Gain: still the same. not much change
Sleep: still sleeping, still have sore hips
Gender: unknown - we find out on December 20th!
Name: we have a boy name and a girl name now, but we're not sharing. :)
Feeling: still feel crappy about every other day. boo.
Cravings: right now i have a serious hankering for some KFC mashed potatoes....
Health: so far so good.
Movement: still feeling blurps
Belly: getting bigger by the day!
Next Appointment: December 20th
Thursday, November 25, 2010
thankful
two years ago, i spent thanksgiving pregnant and happy. after battling infertility, i was blessed to be 32 weeks pregnant with my little guy. i had an amazing husband, 2great dogs, a great family, a kid on the way, and a house. finally, i had it all.
then i woke up the next morning bleeding. a lot more than i ever had before. i ditched my black friday plans to go buy a temporal thermometer at babies r us and rushed to the hospital instead. they checked me over and, much to my surprise, sent me home. i delivered 6 days later.
thanksgiving will always be bittersweet to me. it will always remind me of the last day i spent in blissful ignorance. it will always be the day before the you know what hit the fan. this year, as i am pregnant again, it's hard not to remember that time in my last pregnancy. but, in light of those things, thanksgiving will also always be a day that i remember just how much i have to be thankful for.
so today, i am thankful for all the same things i was 2 years ago - my husband, my son, a new baby, my pups, my family, my house. but now i know how easily it could all have fallen apart, and the fact that it didn't is what i'm most thankful for.
happy thanksgiving everyone.
then i woke up the next morning bleeding. a lot more than i ever had before. i ditched my black friday plans to go buy a temporal thermometer at babies r us and rushed to the hospital instead. they checked me over and, much to my surprise, sent me home. i delivered 6 days later.
thanksgiving will always be bittersweet to me. it will always remind me of the last day i spent in blissful ignorance. it will always be the day before the you know what hit the fan. this year, as i am pregnant again, it's hard not to remember that time in my last pregnancy. but, in light of those things, thanksgiving will also always be a day that i remember just how much i have to be thankful for.
so today, i am thankful for all the same things i was 2 years ago - my husband, my son, a new baby, my pups, my family, my house. but now i know how easily it could all have fallen apart, and the fact that it didn't is what i'm most thankful for.
happy thanksgiving everyone.
Monday, November 22, 2010
16 weeks
16 weeks already! it's going so fast, but so painstakingly slow at the same time! i'm trying to enjoy the pregnancy, as it's likely my last, but that's hard to do with a toddler. honestly, i forget half the time that i'm pregnant because i'm so busy with ryan. but then the nausea kicks in again. :)
i had my 16 week appointment today and everything looks great. the doctor thinks the placenta might be anterior because he always has a hard time finding the heartbeat with the doppler. i swear, it feels like eternity waiting for that whoosha-whoosha-whoosha to come across the speaker. today's heartrate was 160.
we officially have the c-section scheduled for may 2nd at 7:30am. it's strange to have an official end date - it makes everything feel much more real! now, we just keep our fingers crossed that this baby doesn't get any crazy ideas about coming earlier.
Pregnancy: 16 weeks
Weight Gain: according to the dr, i'm down 2lbs overall. apparently i lost 4lbs last appointment and gained 2 back this appointment. my scale has been pretty steady.
Sleep: still sleeping, still have sore hips
Gender: unknown - we find out on December 20th!
Name: we have a boy name and a girl name now, but we're not sharing. :)
Feeling: we are now 3 weeks overdue for feeling 100%. i don't need the zofran every day though, so i suppose i have that going for me.
Cravings: not as much lately. not terribly interested in food in general.
Health: so far so good.
Movement: still feeling blurps
Belly: getting bigger by the day!
Next Appointment: December 20th for the big reveal!!
i had my 16 week appointment today and everything looks great. the doctor thinks the placenta might be anterior because he always has a hard time finding the heartbeat with the doppler. i swear, it feels like eternity waiting for that whoosha-whoosha-whoosha to come across the speaker. today's heartrate was 160.
we officially have the c-section scheduled for may 2nd at 7:30am. it's strange to have an official end date - it makes everything feel much more real! now, we just keep our fingers crossed that this baby doesn't get any crazy ideas about coming earlier.
Pregnancy: 16 weeks
Weight Gain: according to the dr, i'm down 2lbs overall. apparently i lost 4lbs last appointment and gained 2 back this appointment. my scale has been pretty steady.
Sleep: still sleeping, still have sore hips
Gender: unknown - we find out on December 20th!
Name: we have a boy name and a girl name now, but we're not sharing. :)
Feeling: we are now 3 weeks overdue for feeling 100%. i don't need the zofran every day though, so i suppose i have that going for me.
Cravings: not as much lately. not terribly interested in food in general.
Health: so far so good.
Movement: still feeling blurps
Belly: getting bigger by the day!
Next Appointment: December 20th for the big reveal!!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Prematurity Awareness Day
Today, November 17, is prematurity awareness day. Ryan was born at 32w6d (32 weeks and 6 days) due to bleeding from a placenta previa. He weighed a hefty 4lbs, 14oz. I had received 2 rounds of steroids to help his lung development, however, not in enough time to be fully effective. He received a dose of surfactant within hours of birth. He spent a day on the CPAP and a few days on the nasal cannula. He was under the bililights for a short time and struggled with apnea and bradycardia episodes. After 26 days, he was released from the NICU. He received a shot of Synagis to help prevent RSV for each month until May. We had countless weight checks to monitor growth. We have been evaluated twice by the hospital for developmental delays in occupational therapy, speech therapy, and physical therapy.
There are 2 sides to his story – the side I’ve shared before where I remained positive and strong. And then there’s this side – the ugly, vulnerable, scary side. The side where I feel guilty for not protecting my baby boy. The side where we were forced to consider our child’s mortality just moments after his birth. The side where we held our child as his heart rate slowed and his breathing stopped.
I remember when my nephew Dylan cried for the first time. It’s the most amazing thing. At first there’s no one. Just a couple of adults and a few doctors. The next moment there is this beautiful new person. A person that you love for no reason other than because they are family. Not because of who they are or what their beliefs are or the fact that they make you laugh, but because they are yours. I remember Ryan’s first cry. It was glorious. It was MY baby crying. I was his mommy. At that point, everything became completely worth it. Not too many people experience the worst and best moment of their lives within hours of each other.
I didn’t realize at that point how much of the birth experience I would miss out on.
I didn’t get so big that I was uncomfortable.
I didn’t get to go into labor (at least not “real” labor).
I didn’t get to tell Michael it was time.
I didn’t get to send Michael to the waiting room to tell our eagerly waiting families that the newest McFarlane was here.
I didn’t have anyone waiting all day to hear the announcement of our new arrival.
I didn’t have a doctor announce happily that it was a boy. In fact, the doctor didn’t even mention that he had been born until I asked her directly.
I didn’t get to try to breastfeed until a few days later.
I didn’t get to hold my son until over 24 hours later. I was so excited to hold him and then they sent me back to the room because they had just settled him down. I would have given anything to help settle him down.
I don’t have any pictures of the new family; I took our first picture using the timer on the camera the next day.
And, perhaps the worst, I left the hospital without my baby. I left without my tiny bundle in his giant car seat. I walked out next to a woman that was leaving with her baby. I would be back the very next day and for 20 some days thereafter to sit next to my miracle.
Thank god I didn’t realize most of what I was missing.
Instead, I had to ask permission to hold my child.
I had to ask permission to change his diaper and feed him.
Our birth announcement was met with uncomfortable silence and concern.
I had to pump every 3 hours, around the clock, to make sure my milk supply didn’t dwindle.
I quit my pain medication early so that I could drive to the NICU every day.
My every move was monitored closely by a nurse. I learned how to care for my son under the careful watch of a medical professional, every mistake pointed out.
My very first act as a parent was to fail my child, causing him pain, potentially setting him behind, and putting his health in serious danger. And the rational side of me didn’t give a damn that there’s was nothing I could have done to prevent it.
All of my pictures from Ryan’s first month include tubes and wires.
The sight of a Wheaton Franciscan hospital band or the smell of the hospital soap can still, 2 years later, make my heart stop and instantly tears come to my eyes.
I hauled around an apnea monitor for the first five months of his life.
I visited my son in the hospital on his 1st Christmas.
I waited and tried so hard not to get my hopes up that he would be home by Christmas. I still cannot bear to think of my beautiful baby boy laying in his crib in the hospital, alone, on Christmas. My baby boy, the miracle that he is, deserved better than that. I know that he didn’t know any different, but that’s not how it’s supposed to be. A baby’s first Christmas is supposed to be filled with anticipation and wonder and ridiculous 1st Christmas outfits and too many presents. Not bottle feedings and apnea monitors.
The day I finally accepted that he wouldn’t be home was one of the hardest days. Christmas music was everywhere, taunting me and reminding me that while everyone else was enjoying the most wonderful time of the year, I was dying inside. I was going to have to leave my baby on Christmas and try to move on. We put up a pretty strong front that day. Michael stood by me, telling everyone happy Thursday with me. Immature, yes. Necessary for survival, yes. Two years later, my eyes still tear up thinking of that first Christmas.
The day I brought him home, I sat in the corner of the couch with my tiny baby in my arms and cried.
I cried for the months I didn’t think I could have a baby.
I cried for every drop of blood that I lost.
I cried for every moment I spent in the hospital, thinking I would be there a hundred times longer.
I cried for all of the things I lost out on.
I cried for every minute I spent in the NICU.
I cried for my baby’s first Christmas.
And most of all, I cried because I was happy. I cried because I didn’t think I would ever get to this point. To the point where things finally felt normal. And, I think for the first time since December 4, 2007, I breathed a sigh of relief.
Every milestone that he achieves makes my heart swell. Every time I see him smile, I can’t help but think that I am the luckiest person alive. I had a 10% chance and nothing but problems and I am lucky enough to end up with the most amazing baby boy.
I am lucky that there are no feeding tubes or oxygen requirements.
I am lucky that his reflux, although messy, was effectively managed with the first drug we tried.
I’m lucky that we’ve only been to the ER for wheezing twice and that his lung issues are easily controlled with an inhaler.
I’m lucky that he has grown to be at the top of the charts for his actual age.
I’m lucky that he shows no signs of developmental delay.
I’m lucky that I’ve found an amazing group of preemie moms who understand what we’ve been through and have supported us along the way, celebrating what would seem like the smallest accomplishments.
I’m lucky that he is alive. Thousands of mommies every year never bring their babies home.
Would I do it all again, yes. In an instant. Because being Ryan’s mommy is exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up. He is everything I never knew I needed. When I look at those gorgeous, big, blue eyes, everything else is just secondary.
Please consider supporting the March of Dimes. For Ryan. For Rebecca Ann. For Robbie, Cameron, Evan, Lily, Carter, Aldon, Erin, Lucy, Garrett, Charlie, Lily, Robinson, Evan, Gunner, Emma, Campbell, Savannah, Kevin, Cooper, Hunger, Natalie, Ben, Fiona, Andrew, Brandon, Wren, Jacob, Layla, Eli, Hazel, Maddy, Marino, Skylar, Ella, Sara, Lillian, Chelsea, Sam, Jake, Leo, Jax, Claire, Kiera, and all of the other preemies out there.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
14-15 weeks
i meant to update every week, but apparently that's too lofty of a goal for me right now. :) so we'll just try to do every other week.
things are going well. my last OB appointment was outstanding. the baby was being a bit difficult with the doppler, which is the exact opposite of how ryan was. he always jumped right up like he was saying "here i am mommy!" not so much with this one. this one made the doctor work for it. but the heartbeat was there and measured at 167, which is actually quite low for this baby (but still perfect!) as we've been at about 180 every other time.
we officially have our delivery date - may 2nd, 2011. my maternal grandmother will turn 90 on the same day. ryan was supposed to be born on my paternal grandfather's birthday, but we all know how that turned out! hopefully this birth will be less dramatic. at this point, there is no indication that the pregnancy will be anything but normal.
Pregnancy: 14w3d
Weight Gain: none, although a few more chocolate chip cookies and we're going to have to change that answer.
Sleep: still a big fan. the hips have been better the last couple of weeks.
Gender: unknown, although i have my money on girl
Name: we have a boy name and a girl name now, but we're not sharing. :)
Feeling: still tired and nauseous. seriously baby OP, mommy likes to feel better at 13 weeks. we're now 10 days overdue. please stop.
Cravings: still big on nacho cheese chalupas. except i like mine with pizza hut breadsticks, which are located a good distance away. it's ridiculous really.
Health: so far so good
Movement: i *might* be feeling some blurps every now and again, but i can't be sure yet.
Belly: getting bigger by the day!
Next Appointment: Nov. 22nd for our 16 week appt.
things are going well. my last OB appointment was outstanding. the baby was being a bit difficult with the doppler, which is the exact opposite of how ryan was. he always jumped right up like he was saying "here i am mommy!" not so much with this one. this one made the doctor work for it. but the heartbeat was there and measured at 167, which is actually quite low for this baby (but still perfect!) as we've been at about 180 every other time.
we officially have our delivery date - may 2nd, 2011. my maternal grandmother will turn 90 on the same day. ryan was supposed to be born on my paternal grandfather's birthday, but we all know how that turned out! hopefully this birth will be less dramatic. at this point, there is no indication that the pregnancy will be anything but normal.
Pregnancy: 14w3d
Weight Gain: none, although a few more chocolate chip cookies and we're going to have to change that answer.
Sleep: still a big fan. the hips have been better the last couple of weeks.
Gender: unknown, although i have my money on girl
Name: we have a boy name and a girl name now, but we're not sharing. :)
Feeling: still tired and nauseous. seriously baby OP, mommy likes to feel better at 13 weeks. we're now 10 days overdue. please stop.
Cravings: still big on nacho cheese chalupas. except i like mine with pizza hut breadsticks, which are located a good distance away. it's ridiculous really.
Health: so far so good
Movement: i *might* be feeling some blurps every now and again, but i can't be sure yet.
Belly: getting bigger by the day!
Next Appointment: Nov. 22nd for our 16 week appt.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
We're expanding
well, i guess i should say that i'm expanding. :) we are expecting our 2nd little one at the beginning of may. technically my due date is may 9th, but we'll likely deliver the week before due to the need for a c-section.
this pregnancy has been so different than my experience with ryan. i had occasional nausea with him and never was tired or had any cravings. this time around, i'm tired, and the baby is relentless with the cravings, that is when i'm not overcome with nausea. thank god that my fertility doctor was willing to give me zofran. i'm telling you, that stuff is a miracle drug.
the most amazing thing is that i had an ultrasound last week and we found that the placenta is at the top of my uterus, which is about the best case scenario. god willing, there won't be any other complications...
Pregnancy: 12 weeks, also known as 1 week until i feel much, much better (or at least i did with ryan)
Weight Gain: none
Sleep: still a big fan. my hips hurt sometimes from laying on my side, but not too bad
Gender: unknown, although i have my money on girl
Name: tbd
Feeling: tired and nauseous. thank goodness ryan is only 2 and won't likely remember me being a slacker of a mommy.
Cravings: lobster cigars from wasabi. seriously. this stupid appetizer costs $12. this is ridiculous. i'm also a big fan of nacho cheese chalupas from taco bell and pizza hut breadsticks. and chocolate milk and fruity candy. i said things were different this time....
Health: so far so good
Movement: not yet
Belly: i started wearing my maternity pants about 2 weeks ago. i mostly just look fat, but i'm imagining it won't be long till we move on to pregnant.
Next Appointment: tomorrow. then i have no appointments for a whole 4 weeks!
this pregnancy has been so different than my experience with ryan. i had occasional nausea with him and never was tired or had any cravings. this time around, i'm tired, and the baby is relentless with the cravings, that is when i'm not overcome with nausea. thank god that my fertility doctor was willing to give me zofran. i'm telling you, that stuff is a miracle drug.
the most amazing thing is that i had an ultrasound last week and we found that the placenta is at the top of my uterus, which is about the best case scenario. god willing, there won't be any other complications...
Pregnancy: 12 weeks, also known as 1 week until i feel much, much better (or at least i did with ryan)
Weight Gain: none
Sleep: still a big fan. my hips hurt sometimes from laying on my side, but not too bad
Gender: unknown, although i have my money on girl
Name: tbd
Feeling: tired and nauseous. thank goodness ryan is only 2 and won't likely remember me being a slacker of a mommy.
Cravings: lobster cigars from wasabi. seriously. this stupid appetizer costs $12. this is ridiculous. i'm also a big fan of nacho cheese chalupas from taco bell and pizza hut breadsticks. and chocolate milk and fruity candy. i said things were different this time....
Health: so far so good
Movement: not yet
Belly: i started wearing my maternity pants about 2 weeks ago. i mostly just look fat, but i'm imagining it won't be long till we move on to pregnant.
Next Appointment: tomorrow. then i have no appointments for a whole 4 weeks!
Monday, July 12, 2010
Goals
I am going to be 30 in 23 short days. Although I must admit that the blow of such a huge age milestone is dampened by my husband's arrival a whole 1 and a half years before me, it still is a big deal. I remember when my parents were in their 30s. And now here I go.
I am exactly where I thought I would be when I was 30, plus or minus a few things. I want a new house. I want another kid (or 2, who knows). I wouldn't turn down getting paid more money, but mostly because I want to pay down debt, not because I want anything fancy. But, for all intents and purposes, I'm 100% happy where I am.
That being said, there are a few personal goals I would like to achieve before I turn 31.
- Get a bigger house
- Pay down some debt
- Have 3 photographs I can really be proud of
- Pass the stupid CPA exam
- Have a 2nd kid (those of you that know Ryan's story know that it's not as easy as it looks over here)
- Run a 5K (which could be complicated by the goal above)
And I'm already working on it. I started the couch to 5K program with a bunch of wonderful preemie moms I've gotten to know. I watched a CPA video during my lunch today. As for the kid and the house, there's only so much I can do, but hopefully these things will just fall into place (yeah right, not my style).
Look out 30, it's going to be a crazy ride.
I am exactly where I thought I would be when I was 30, plus or minus a few things. I want a new house. I want another kid (or 2, who knows). I wouldn't turn down getting paid more money, but mostly because I want to pay down debt, not because I want anything fancy. But, for all intents and purposes, I'm 100% happy where I am.
That being said, there are a few personal goals I would like to achieve before I turn 31.
- Get a bigger house
- Pay down some debt
- Have 3 photographs I can really be proud of
- Pass the stupid CPA exam
- Have a 2nd kid (those of you that know Ryan's story know that it's not as easy as it looks over here)
- Run a 5K (which could be complicated by the goal above)
And I'm already working on it. I started the couch to 5K program with a bunch of wonderful preemie moms I've gotten to know. I watched a CPA video during my lunch today. As for the kid and the house, there's only so much I can do, but hopefully these things will just fall into place (yeah right, not my style).
Look out 30, it's going to be a crazy ride.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
it's all a matter of perspective
it all started on december 4, 2007. we went to the OB for our first preconception appointment. she handed us some clomid and some specific instructions then told us she'd see us in 3 months if we weren't pregnant. knowing it isn't that easy, i took control of the situation and made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist. after a bunch of tests, a seriously disappointment discussion regarding costs, and a lot of crying, we got pregnant on our first cycle with the RE. not bad for only having a 10% change of conception. we were thrilled.
at our 20w appointment we found out the placenta was low and told that we might need a c-section if it didn't move. after all we had been through, i figured no big deal, right? the control freak side of me thought a c-section might be better anyways.
and then at 22w, it started. bleeding. and then more bleeding, and then more bleeding. until finally, at 32w6d, we delivered. at almost exactly a year, our infertility battle was over and another even more difficult battle was beginning. i felt angry. i felt disappointed, i felt guilty for not being able to carry my baby boy to 40 weeks. i hated the NICU. i hated the apnea monitor. i hated the synagis shots and the hand sanitizer and the weight checks. and on one level or another, i was carrying those feelings with me all this time. why couldn't anything just be simple?
and then today, it all changed. i read a story about another preemie. he was also born at 32 weeks (they don't count the days in gestational age, even though i insist on counting them because they were a long 6 days!) and had a twin sister. his sister was doing wonderfully, but not the little boy. he was 10 months and had a bunch of medical problems, none of which are uncommon for a preemie. he passed away a few days ago from complications from RSV, a serious "baby cold" that is even more serious for preemies because of their underdeveloped lungs and weak immune systems.
ryan had RSV a few weeks ago, despite our best efforts to keep him away as he wasn't approved for synagis shots this year (a monthly shot that decreases the effects of RSV). he didn't experience any breathing problems and our biggest hurdle were the high temps he kept having. but our baby boy came through without any problems.
today it hit me - i'm not unlucky, i'm the luckiest person alive. we got pregnant even though we only had a 10% chance. we made it to 32w6d even though we started having problems at 22w. it so easily could have been my baby boy that had health problsm, but instead we have a perfect, healthy baby boy. i get to chase and hold and snuggle and love my perfect baby boy every single day. and that makes me the luckiest, regardless of what hurdles we had to overcome to get to this point.
at our 20w appointment we found out the placenta was low and told that we might need a c-section if it didn't move. after all we had been through, i figured no big deal, right? the control freak side of me thought a c-section might be better anyways.
and then at 22w, it started. bleeding. and then more bleeding, and then more bleeding. until finally, at 32w6d, we delivered. at almost exactly a year, our infertility battle was over and another even more difficult battle was beginning. i felt angry. i felt disappointed, i felt guilty for not being able to carry my baby boy to 40 weeks. i hated the NICU. i hated the apnea monitor. i hated the synagis shots and the hand sanitizer and the weight checks. and on one level or another, i was carrying those feelings with me all this time. why couldn't anything just be simple?
and then today, it all changed. i read a story about another preemie. he was also born at 32 weeks (they don't count the days in gestational age, even though i insist on counting them because they were a long 6 days!) and had a twin sister. his sister was doing wonderfully, but not the little boy. he was 10 months and had a bunch of medical problems, none of which are uncommon for a preemie. he passed away a few days ago from complications from RSV, a serious "baby cold" that is even more serious for preemies because of their underdeveloped lungs and weak immune systems.
ryan had RSV a few weeks ago, despite our best efforts to keep him away as he wasn't approved for synagis shots this year (a monthly shot that decreases the effects of RSV). he didn't experience any breathing problems and our biggest hurdle were the high temps he kept having. but our baby boy came through without any problems.
today it hit me - i'm not unlucky, i'm the luckiest person alive. we got pregnant even though we only had a 10% chance. we made it to 32w6d even though we started having problems at 22w. it so easily could have been my baby boy that had health problsm, but instead we have a perfect, healthy baby boy. i get to chase and hold and snuggle and love my perfect baby boy every single day. and that makes me the luckiest, regardless of what hurdles we had to overcome to get to this point.
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
god grant me the patience
ryan is, hands down, the most important thing in my world. followed very closely by michael, butler, molly, and the rest of my family and friends. being his mom is truly an honor and a responsibility that i take more seriously than i could ever have imagined i would. i once read a quote about how the bond between mother and child is so special because the baby is the only one to have ever heard the mommy's heart beat from the inside.
i understand mama animals now - i understand why the mommy animal tries to attack anything that comes near her fragile babies. and i think this feeling is special to moms. i know that my husband loves ryan as much as i do, but i don't think he has that same, for lack of a better word, maternal instinct to protect.
i think there's a very fine line between caring for your child and allowing your child to make mistakes and take risks that will eventually make them into the person they will grow up to be. it is the hardest thing in the world to stand by and watch as your child makes a bad decision. whether that decision is something as harmless as not taking a nap or as potentially dangerous as diving off the edge of a chair onto the hardwood floors.
given my love of control, i think i am finding this balance particularly difficult. i can't protect him from everything or everyone. i can't control how people treat him, how they feel about him, or how his relationships evolve. i want nothing but happiness and love for my little boy, but even i know that's unreasonable. he will be hurt. he will cry. he will know love beyond words.
but there's one thing that i can control - the fact that my son will never, ever have to doubt that i love him. even for a second. no matter what. and all i can do is hope that's enough. and all i can ask is for god to grant me the patience to accept the things i cannot change.
i understand mama animals now - i understand why the mommy animal tries to attack anything that comes near her fragile babies. and i think this feeling is special to moms. i know that my husband loves ryan as much as i do, but i don't think he has that same, for lack of a better word, maternal instinct to protect.
i think there's a very fine line between caring for your child and allowing your child to make mistakes and take risks that will eventually make them into the person they will grow up to be. it is the hardest thing in the world to stand by and watch as your child makes a bad decision. whether that decision is something as harmless as not taking a nap or as potentially dangerous as diving off the edge of a chair onto the hardwood floors.
given my love of control, i think i am finding this balance particularly difficult. i can't protect him from everything or everyone. i can't control how people treat him, how they feel about him, or how his relationships evolve. i want nothing but happiness and love for my little boy, but even i know that's unreasonable. he will be hurt. he will cry. he will know love beyond words.
but there's one thing that i can control - the fact that my son will never, ever have to doubt that i love him. even for a second. no matter what. and all i can do is hope that's enough. and all i can ask is for god to grant me the patience to accept the things i cannot change.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
blog overhaul and the grand ah ha! moment
after i had ryan, i started feeling a lot of anxiety. i have had some anxiety here and there for a long time, but never to this extent. so, off to the doctor i went. after explaining the things that cause me anxiety, the doctor told me that i did not have an anxiety disorder, instead i have obsessive compulsive disorder. i laughed. when she asked what i was laughing about (probably while considering a completely different diagnosis!), i told her that i was relieved. you see, i've always known on one level or another that i was obsessive compulsive and it was just a matter of time until it because a disorder - knowing that i didn't have an anxiety disorder in addition to OCD was great!
as i've explored my diagnosis in the last few months, a lot of things have become clear. for instance, did you know that having my socks stuck to the bottom of my feet drives me insane? honestly. i will take off my shoes at work and just wear socks if it gets bad enough. and stuffed animals. i have always felt bad picking up a stuffed animal and then leaving it at the store. don't even get me started on looking at puppies!
and of course, there's the big one - sickness. it used to just be puking. if someone was nauseous, i was out of there. if i was nauseous, i was in a panic. it's expanded to include all types of sickness since i had ryan.
what do all of these things have in common? control. i don't do well when i don't have a plan and i don't have control of what's happening in my life. and in the last 2 years of my life, it has become more and more obvious that i can't control most things and i need to figure out how to misplace control.
as i've explored my diagnosis in the last few months, a lot of things have become clear. for instance, did you know that having my socks stuck to the bottom of my feet drives me insane? honestly. i will take off my shoes at work and just wear socks if it gets bad enough. and stuffed animals. i have always felt bad picking up a stuffed animal and then leaving it at the store. don't even get me started on looking at puppies!
and of course, there's the big one - sickness. it used to just be puking. if someone was nauseous, i was out of there. if i was nauseous, i was in a panic. it's expanded to include all types of sickness since i had ryan.
what do all of these things have in common? control. i don't do well when i don't have a plan and i don't have control of what's happening in my life. and in the last 2 years of my life, it has become more and more obvious that i can't control most things and i need to figure out how to misplace control.
Monday, July 28, 2008
oh my
last weekend we went to iowa city for dylan's 1st birthday (pictures posted soon). butler and molly decided to stay home and go to daycare/boarding at their favorite place. they had a great time, even if molly did need a bath when she came home!
well, friday night michael and i woke up to molly hacking something fierce. after some quick internet research, i figured she probaby had kennel cough. ick. even more importantly, it's like the puppy verison of the flu or a cold and there's nothing we can do about it. turns out, the kennel cough vaccine is about as effective as the flu shot in humans...
i went to dubuque this weekend and michael stayed home with the pups. molly seemed to be improving, but was now occasionally hacking up some white foamy stuff (which i hear is normal for kennel cough). sunday night, however, i woke up to butler hacking! we were up for a good while with him, as it's very hard to fall asleep when you have two dogs coughing.
i called the vet this morning to see where we should go from here. she said to just watch them to make sure they don't get worse. i asked her if there was anything we could do to reduce the coughing. she said to let them cough, it helps clear up the infection. and then she said this should resolve in 4-5 weeks!
apparently this little situation is the universe's way of getting michael and i ready for the baby....
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Growing Up....
come january 22nd (plus or minus a few days), michael and i will be having a baby! well, i suspect i'll be actually "having" the baby, but you get the idea. i will be 14 weeks along tomorrow and i'm feeling much better. weeks 7-12 were not great, but it gets better everyday. i eat a full 3 meals almost everyday now. i actually ended up losing 10 lbs during the 1st trimester!
we've been busy getting ready for our addition. over the 4th of july our friend greg and his friend mike came to town and helped us move furniture (can't move furniture when you're pregnant, schucks!). we moved the office into the sunroom, the guest bedroom into the office, and the guest bedroom is now empty, more or less. we have our bedding, our stroller, a car seat base, a front carrier, a diaper bag, a quilt from michael's grandma, and tons of very cute little clothes! everyone has been so supportive and excited. we will find out in september whether it will be a baby boy or a baby girl. and michael and i have a bet on how big the baby will be. i say over 8 lbs, michael says 7.5 lbs or less. the weight between 7.5 and 8 is still open for bets! it's been a great trip so far. and baby mac has its own website.
we planned awhile ago to take a vacation as soon as we found out we were pregnant. so, we booked a vacation to key west from august 30th to september 4th. we have a great hotel lined up and are looking forward to our last vacation for awhile.
one of the major things we had to get was a new car. turns out the jeep liberty was getting a little old (119,000 miles will do that to a car!) and there was no way that michael and i were going to fit in the car with a baby, butler, molly, and enough stuff for the weekend. i got a new job with a very big pay increase, so we went car shopping. after trying just about every SUV/crossover out there (no minivans!), i finally found the honda pilot. michael had suggested it several times, but i thought it looked boring. turns out it's the perfect car for us! we ended up with a 2005 blue honda pilot EXL. it has a sunroof, sunglasses holder, and DVD player! there are 3 rows of seats and so i think we will all fit just fine. so far i love it! too bad michael will be driving it most of the time since i'm commuting farther and we have a lot of miles to burn on his lease!things are definitely changing, but we're excited to meet our baby. i can't believe we have another 6 months to wait!
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