My wish

I have two beautiful children. My most important task in this lifetime is to raise them to be happy, productive members of society.
My hope is that they will find the happiness and love that I have found with their father. I wish for them to feel loved and to love unconditionally. I wish for them to experience parenthood if that is their choice. I wish for them to be able to choose who they love and who they commit to, regardless of that person's gender.
I strive to remain ambiguous in regards to our conversations about marriage and the kids' future relationships - I do not want my kids to ever think for a minute that I expect anything from them in terms of who they choose to be with.
I have a responsibility to support the progression of same-sex marriage. I want my kids to grow up oblivious to the idea that this country once tried to limit the happiness of any subset of the population. I want them to be just as surprised and horrified as I was when I heard of slavery.
To love and be loved - that is my wish for my children.

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Operation Organization - The Reckoning

We have lived in our house for a little over a year. Well, a little over a little over a year at this point! Our moving experience was a bit frantic, to say the least. We moved from our house to our apartment when I was 24 weeks pregnant and then from the apartment to our house when Ellen was 5 months or so. Needless to say, unpacking took a backseat. 

Now that the kids are a bit older, I am working hard to finally get this place organized! We have plenty of space and one of my main motivations for moving was to have an organized living space - a place for everything, and everything in its place. Operation Organization is in full swing! 

I have been working my way through the house. I redid the playroom and moved all of the obsolete toys into the basement.  I went through the kids' closets and moved all their outgrown clothes into the basement. I went through the china cabinet and moved all of the unused items into the basement.  I went through the butler pantry cabinets to make space for those things I don't want the kids to have easy access to (art supplies, things with small pieces, projects, etc) and moved the extra stuff to the basement.  I went through the cabinets and cleaned out the sippy cups, dishes, and "junk" cabinet and moved all of the stuff to the basement. See a theme?

Now that all of the major organizing projects are done throughout the first two floors of the house, it is time to move onto the big one - the basement.  I began on President's Day - I had the day off and I sent the kids to daycare anyways. It was a LONG day of moving things, going through things, and cleaning. But finally I began to see the floor. I made it through the corner, the freezer area, and the shelves before going to get the kiddos.

Over this past weekend, I made it through most of our tubs, reducing our "sentimental" items down to 3 tubs. I found office supplies that were packed before we moved into our first house! Eek!

Today I took another day off and finished (mostly) the project.  We now have a storage space, a tools/equipment space, and a consignment space (I sell a lot of the kids' old stuff at the Just Between Friends consignment sale). Above all else, I know where things are! Want Easter decorations? I can do that for you without spending a day or injuring myself getting to them. :)

The Corner - Before

The Corner - After (see the tub on the left? those are books - all 6-7 tubs of them. they're next on the organizing list)

Shelves - Before

Shelves - After

Tubs full of stuff - Before

Tubs full of stuff - After

Freezer area before

Freezer area - after

Entry - Before

Entry - After

Garbage/Cardboard pile - this is after we took about 20 bags out already! 

Consignment stuff

Donate pile

Irony

Irony - a word I often misuse. While I can expertly apply their versus they're and affect versus effect and even then versus than, my brain cannot seem to grasp the difference between irony and coincidence. So, if I have again misused the word, you have my apologies in advance.

At this point, January 21st, I have lost track of the number of stomach bugs that had plagued my kids since the summer. I believe it to be 5 or 6. As if the one additional incident would make it any more ridiculous.

This last incident began with Ellen and claimed Ryan this morning out of nowhere. He was actually getting all of the things out for his lunch when it happened.

The 1 year ago version of myself would be freaking out. My heart would be racing, my hands sweaty, and I would have had at least one full blown freak out cry-fest each time. The present kate is home with the kids, sitting on the couch with Ryan, a bucket between us.

My ill feelings towards the stomach bug are no longer based in fear. They stem from the frustration from seeing my kids feel like crap and from having no explanation for why it happens so often.

I would say this winter has been nothing if not the greatest exposure anyone could ever have "hoped" for. Was it the therapy that made me better or the countless cries of "mommy, I puked" that I've heard? It's hard to say and, honestly, it doesn't matter. The fact is I am not scared of my kids when they're sick. Sure, I have twinges of anxiety and I occasionally have to take an "emergency" pill, but overall I've conquered my fears and obsessions. At least for now.

Now that my "therapy" is complete, these bugs can lay off anytime!

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Today, I cried

Today I cried, longing for the days when the only thing to be scared of was monsters and the dark.
Today I cried, feeling helpless.
Today I cried, admitting defeat in protecting my babies from the evil of the world.
Today I cried for the blissful ignorance lost.
Today I cried for the teachers, who carry the responsibility of protecting our children along with educating them.
Today I cried for the children that survived, knowing that they have been robbed of their innocence and childhood.
Today I cried as I imagined children the same age as my son and nephews facing something so horrible alone.
Today I cried as I thought of all the mommies and daddies that hurt because they couldn't be there to comfort their children during their final moments before they became angels.
Today I cried, wondering what could have been.
Today I cried for the law enforcement officers that will forever have visions of the crime scene engraved in their hearts.
Today I cried for the family of the shooter as they struggle to imagine how their loved one could do something so awful.
Today I cried, unable to imagine the instant devastation the parents felt when they answered their phones.
Today I cried, hoping they felt no fear or pain.
Today I cried for heaven's new angels. Sleep well little ones.

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Screw this

ryan woke up with a fever this morning and was complaining that his head hurt. i dosed him up with ibuprofen and put him in bed to watch tv while i got some work done. then i remembered that headache + fever can mean meningitis. cue the momma freak out. i called the doctor (which i had to do anyways as he was supposed to have his flu shot tonight. which was reschedule from last month when he had a fever) and they suggested i bring him in. i felt kind of silly, but i figure my ego is way less important than being wrong about something that big. he's fine. i get 1 ridiculous doctor appointment a year and i think i just spent it. as long as i keep meds in him, he does fine and is in a surprisingly good mood. other than the brief periods of achiness and chills that he has when the meds wear off, we've had a great time today. michael brought ellen home and she was surprisingly cuddly. normally that would increase my anxiety (sucks that i can't enjoy some cuddles, eh?), but given we just had the stomach bug last week, i thought we were safe. thought. i was on the phone and i heard an "oh no" and michael called for me saying ellen threw up. the jury's still out on whether her tummy is upset or whether she put too much food in her mouth at once (not out of the ordinary). where's my anxiety? about a 5, higher than the first day ellen was sick. not comfortable. i want to run away. i want to go in my room and lock the door and cry and hit a pillow. but even then, i know the anxiety would continue. i am angry. i did SO well during this stomach bug. i feel defeated. i feel weak. i thought i had progressed. and, as always, life just keeps pushing me until i break. and it just sucks.

Progress

As any good stomach bug knows, the only thing better than 1 kid is 2! Ryan woke up in the middle of the night Thursday throwing up.
The good news is, both kiddos made it through unscathed. Ellen threw up once. As usual, Ryan got hit a bit harder and threw up 4 times throughout the night. Both were completely back to normal 12 hours after it started. In and out - my kind of bug.
The great news is that I did wonderfully. I was anxious for the first hour or so that I was home with the kids on Wednesday and then, just as the OCD program said, my anxiety came down and stayed down. I stayed at a 2 (out of 7) for most of the rest of the day.
When Ryan got sick I never got above a 3. Considering that my anxiety is generally more intense with him, I consider this a huge milestone. I was even able to lay with him right after he threw up - something I wouldn't have been able to do 4 months ago.
Do I want to do it again anytime soon? Nope. But not because I need a break or am scared. Because I hate seeing my kiddos feeling yucky. Progress feels good.


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Accidental genius

During our impromptu day off, Ellen has enjoyed being in her high chair coloring. At first I tried paper, but she just shoves it aside to color on the tray.

The Final Exam

"hey kate, wake up. ellen puked." doesn't matter how many times i hear that, it sucks to be woken up that way. our last stomach bug was at the end of june. putting us at about 3.5 months. frankly, i'm sick of it. i'm choosing to view this as the final exam of my OCD training. my anxiety is at a bearable 4-5 (out of 7) and i haven't cried or had the urge to run away. mostly i'm just mad that my kid is sick again. i just keep repeating "anxiety is just uncomfortable" to myself over and over. maybe next time we can have longer than 3 months between bugs....

you say quinoa, i say quinoa

i've been very interested in trying quinoa. i generally love grains of all types, so the prospect of a healthier option is right up my alley. the problem is, i was having trouble finding a recipe that sounded good to me. a preemie mom friend recommended the BBQ chicken quinoa salad from iowa girl eats. BBQ and a girl from iowa?! it was destined to be. i made this last night at about 7pm. i'm participating in a biggest loser competition with my preemie mom friends and have been doing a terrible job of managing my calories. i keep ending up in situations where i'm starving to the point that i have a headache and am a cranky butt. last night was that night. i came home from the grocery store and got working. i made sure to rinse the quinoa as suggested and used the hillshire farms precooked chicken. convenience is key at 7pm when you're crabby. it turned out less of a salad and more of a mess (i just mixed everything together instead of making it look pretty), but it was good! very filling and fairly low in calories. michael didn't care for it, but he generally doesn't like bottled barbeque sauce so i think that may have been the problem. the kids loved it and kept asking for more. i think we'll keep this one in rotation for nights michael works late.

That's Pinteresting! - best broccoli

i've made this broccoli a couple of times and i have to agree with the name - it really is the best broccoli of my life. the roasted flavor is outstanding and the cheese and garlic add some much needed flavor. the first time i followed the recipe to a T. it was good. this time i changed it up a little - skipped the lemon juice, added some basalmic vinegar (just a splash). delish. ryan didn't like the "barbeque sauce" (aka the roasted parts of the broccoli), but ellen loved it. we're keeping this one in rotation.

That's Pinteresting! - buffalo chicken sandwiches

we made these buffalo chicken sandwiches last week and they were great. the chicken stayed moist in the crockpot and the frank's red hot buffalo sauce wasn't too spicy. we served the kids something else because they generally don't care for any spice, but i thought they were very yummy. we were out of blue cheese dressing, but i picked some up and they're on the agenda for leftovers tomorrow!

Showing our gratitude

i saw a flyer at michael's (the store, not my husband) advertising that you can bring christmas cards for deployed soliders anytime before october 31st and they will send them overseas. ryan has been coloring 1 card each night after dinner and ellen is even getting in on it sometimes! a great way to show our appreciation for the men and women that won't be with their friends and families this holiday season.

Water beads

I broke out the water beads again today. A preemie mom friend suggested them and it's one of the kids' favorite activities. They are small little "beads" (available at craft stores) that are intended for use in floral arrangements to keep flowers watered. We use them as a sensory/fine motor skills activity. They feel like tiny bubbles in your hand! Very cool.

Guilt

ryan is almost 4 years old. he is off the charts for age, weight, and verbal skills. he knows his letters, numbers, shapes, colors, and most letter sounds. we're working on reading - at age 3. he is an amazing little boy and shows absolutely no sign of prematurity. yet i carry a large amount of guilt with me regarding his birth. during treatment, i tried to tell my story - and couldn't get through it without crying. the main theme - my body failed my child. i wasn't able to take care of him when he was inside of me and i wasn't able to take care of him for the first 26 days of his life. my first act as a parent was to fail. is this completely unreasonable? certainly. i have heard countless other preemie moms say the same thing and each and every time i have told them that there was nothing they could do differently and they didn't fail. yet i hold myself to a different, unreasonable standard. i have a new therapist that is helping me work through these things. i really thought i was over it - i thought i had processed every aspect of premature birth, but apparently not. i'm working with rose to not be so hard on myself. as a side note, i have also realized that i'm pushing ryan. he is so smart and i want him to accomplish everything he can. i forget that he's 3. i see how i treat other kids his age and i know i treat him completely differently. i know he can do things, but i fail to consider that he has the attention span of a 3 year old and gets frustrated easily. so i am also working to lay off the little man and let him be a 3 year old.

Post OCD-treatment Musings

i ended the program at the end of august. i have been planning this post in my head ever since. the program was very helpful. am i cured? no. will i handle the next round of stomach flu without issue? probably not. but do i have a better understanding of why i am the way i am? definitely. i am a control freak. i do not take kindly to being in situations that i cannot control. the past few years have been the ultimate challenge to maintaining control. we underwent infertility treatments. we sold our house in an awful market. i have a three year old. but the biggest slap in the face was ryan's birth. i had no control over when i was going to bleed, how much, where, etc. i had no control over keeping my son safe. and that is what pushed me over the OCD-edge from a phobia to full on OCD. how do those differences present? i'm not just scared when someone is going to get sick. i'm constantly thinking about it. questioning. worrying. i can't read a facebook status update about a sick kid without getting anxious. and it was beginning to take over my life. ryan gets annoyed with me for asking too many questions. given how many questions that kid asks, that's saying something. so about halfway through, we realized something (which makes me thing of knuffle bunny when "TRIXIE REALIZED SOMETHING"). the reason the exposures weren't causing me any anxiety was that the vomiting itself wasn't the problem - it was the loss of control that came along with it. i don't know when, where, how long, who, and to what extent the stomach bug will take over our family. sound familiar? i thought so. we changed my exposures to include situations where i wouldn't have any control - michael blacked out the expiration date on the milk. i didn't ask where we were going. i didn't double check the diaper bag. and it caused anxiety. brilliant. next up - anxiety. does it suck - definitely. will it hurt me - nope. it's just uncomfortable. like running. it's uncomfortable, but in the end run it will be good for me. each time i do it, it will get easier, to the point that someday it won't hurt. how does this help? it is a lot easier to reason with yourself when you know why you're freaked out in the first place. i believe the revelations we made during treatment, combined with the mindset that anxiety is just uncomfortable, plus the ability for me to take my "emergency pill" (clomazaphan - which is not at all spelled correctly) will make the next bug a bit easier. only time will tell.

That's pinteresting! - magnet wall

I adore pinterest. I love that lots of other people have great ideas and there's a website set up for me to steal them. Pinterest makes me a better mom. New recipes, new decorations, new organization. Love it.

So today I finally got around to hanging our magnet board. Ellen absolutely loves the leapfrog magnet things and i was sick of having them on my fridge.

We originally used magnetic primer on the chalkboard wall, but nothing sticks. So on to plan B. Pinterest suggested a car oil drip pan. $5 for a magnet board? Sign me up!

We bought it a few weeks back, but I finally had the chance to hang it.

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That's pinteresting! - magnet board

Today's challenge

This is today's exposure.
Three and a half minutes spent with a very nice preteen girl that only looked like she enjoyed half the ride.
Peak anxiety of 4.
Tilt a whirl with questionable partner - check. Bring on the expired milk.

Even crazier

Today my OCD exposures included the following:
- watching a video of a woman vomiting on a roller coaster
- sitting in front of the toilet imagining myself vomiting
- imagining Ryan vomiting
We do each of these things 5 times, a minimum of 2 minutes and a max of 20, recording our highest anxiety level and how long it takes us to cut it in half.
I'm no going to lie, actually doing these things is making me feel a little more crazy instead of less. :) I can feel that my anxiety is lessening more and much quicker.
But the overall moral of today's treatment - never search vomiting on YouTube. Ew.
Off to get today's 5 exposures!

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Ready, set, go.

(see full image)

Today is my first day of treatment. 2 hours and 17 minutes in I am beginning to relax from my original state of complete fear. 

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