My wish

I have two beautiful children. My most important task in this lifetime is to raise them to be happy, productive members of society.
My hope is that they will find the happiness and love that I have found with their father. I wish for them to feel loved and to love unconditionally. I wish for them to experience parenthood if that is their choice. I wish for them to be able to choose who they love and who they commit to, regardless of that person's gender.
I strive to remain ambiguous in regards to our conversations about marriage and the kids' future relationships - I do not want my kids to ever think for a minute that I expect anything from them in terms of who they choose to be with.
I have a responsibility to support the progression of same-sex marriage. I want my kids to grow up oblivious to the idea that this country once tried to limit the happiness of any subset of the population. I want them to be just as surprised and horrified as I was when I heard of slavery.
To love and be loved - that is my wish for my children.

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Operation Organization - The Reckoning

We have lived in our house for a little over a year. Well, a little over a little over a year at this point! Our moving experience was a bit frantic, to say the least. We moved from our house to our apartment when I was 24 weeks pregnant and then from the apartment to our house when Ellen was 5 months or so. Needless to say, unpacking took a backseat. 

Now that the kids are a bit older, I am working hard to finally get this place organized! We have plenty of space and one of my main motivations for moving was to have an organized living space - a place for everything, and everything in its place. Operation Organization is in full swing! 

I have been working my way through the house. I redid the playroom and moved all of the obsolete toys into the basement.  I went through the kids' closets and moved all their outgrown clothes into the basement. I went through the china cabinet and moved all of the unused items into the basement.  I went through the butler pantry cabinets to make space for those things I don't want the kids to have easy access to (art supplies, things with small pieces, projects, etc) and moved the extra stuff to the basement.  I went through the cabinets and cleaned out the sippy cups, dishes, and "junk" cabinet and moved all of the stuff to the basement. See a theme?

Now that all of the major organizing projects are done throughout the first two floors of the house, it is time to move onto the big one - the basement.  I began on President's Day - I had the day off and I sent the kids to daycare anyways. It was a LONG day of moving things, going through things, and cleaning. But finally I began to see the floor. I made it through the corner, the freezer area, and the shelves before going to get the kiddos.

Over this past weekend, I made it through most of our tubs, reducing our "sentimental" items down to 3 tubs. I found office supplies that were packed before we moved into our first house! Eek!

Today I took another day off and finished (mostly) the project.  We now have a storage space, a tools/equipment space, and a consignment space (I sell a lot of the kids' old stuff at the Just Between Friends consignment sale). Above all else, I know where things are! Want Easter decorations? I can do that for you without spending a day or injuring myself getting to them. :)

The Corner - Before

The Corner - After (see the tub on the left? those are books - all 6-7 tubs of them. they're next on the organizing list)

Shelves - Before

Shelves - After

Tubs full of stuff - Before

Tubs full of stuff - After

Freezer area before

Freezer area - after

Entry - Before

Entry - After

Garbage/Cardboard pile - this is after we took about 20 bags out already! 

Consignment stuff

Donate pile

Irony

Irony - a word I often misuse. While I can expertly apply their versus they're and affect versus effect and even then versus than, my brain cannot seem to grasp the difference between irony and coincidence. So, if I have again misused the word, you have my apologies in advance.

At this point, January 21st, I have lost track of the number of stomach bugs that had plagued my kids since the summer. I believe it to be 5 or 6. As if the one additional incident would make it any more ridiculous.

This last incident began with Ellen and claimed Ryan this morning out of nowhere. He was actually getting all of the things out for his lunch when it happened.

The 1 year ago version of myself would be freaking out. My heart would be racing, my hands sweaty, and I would have had at least one full blown freak out cry-fest each time. The present kate is home with the kids, sitting on the couch with Ryan, a bucket between us.

My ill feelings towards the stomach bug are no longer based in fear. They stem from the frustration from seeing my kids feel like crap and from having no explanation for why it happens so often.

I would say this winter has been nothing if not the greatest exposure anyone could ever have "hoped" for. Was it the therapy that made me better or the countless cries of "mommy, I puked" that I've heard? It's hard to say and, honestly, it doesn't matter. The fact is I am not scared of my kids when they're sick. Sure, I have twinges of anxiety and I occasionally have to take an "emergency" pill, but overall I've conquered my fears and obsessions. At least for now.

Now that my "therapy" is complete, these bugs can lay off anytime!

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Today, I cried

Today I cried, longing for the days when the only thing to be scared of was monsters and the dark.
Today I cried, feeling helpless.
Today I cried, admitting defeat in protecting my babies from the evil of the world.
Today I cried for the blissful ignorance lost.
Today I cried for the teachers, who carry the responsibility of protecting our children along with educating them.
Today I cried for the children that survived, knowing that they have been robbed of their innocence and childhood.
Today I cried as I imagined children the same age as my son and nephews facing something so horrible alone.
Today I cried as I thought of all the mommies and daddies that hurt because they couldn't be there to comfort their children during their final moments before they became angels.
Today I cried, wondering what could have been.
Today I cried for the law enforcement officers that will forever have visions of the crime scene engraved in their hearts.
Today I cried for the family of the shooter as they struggle to imagine how their loved one could do something so awful.
Today I cried, unable to imagine the instant devastation the parents felt when they answered their phones.
Today I cried, hoping they felt no fear or pain.
Today I cried for heaven's new angels. Sleep well little ones.

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Screw this

ryan woke up with a fever this morning and was complaining that his head hurt. i dosed him up with ibuprofen and put him in bed to watch tv while i got some work done. then i remembered that headache + fever can mean meningitis. cue the momma freak out. i called the doctor (which i had to do anyways as he was supposed to have his flu shot tonight. which was reschedule from last month when he had a fever) and they suggested i bring him in. i felt kind of silly, but i figure my ego is way less important than being wrong about something that big. he's fine. i get 1 ridiculous doctor appointment a year and i think i just spent it. as long as i keep meds in him, he does fine and is in a surprisingly good mood. other than the brief periods of achiness and chills that he has when the meds wear off, we've had a great time today. michael brought ellen home and she was surprisingly cuddly. normally that would increase my anxiety (sucks that i can't enjoy some cuddles, eh?), but given we just had the stomach bug last week, i thought we were safe. thought. i was on the phone and i heard an "oh no" and michael called for me saying ellen threw up. the jury's still out on whether her tummy is upset or whether she put too much food in her mouth at once (not out of the ordinary). where's my anxiety? about a 5, higher than the first day ellen was sick. not comfortable. i want to run away. i want to go in my room and lock the door and cry and hit a pillow. but even then, i know the anxiety would continue. i am angry. i did SO well during this stomach bug. i feel defeated. i feel weak. i thought i had progressed. and, as always, life just keeps pushing me until i break. and it just sucks.

Progress

As any good stomach bug knows, the only thing better than 1 kid is 2! Ryan woke up in the middle of the night Thursday throwing up.
The good news is, both kiddos made it through unscathed. Ellen threw up once. As usual, Ryan got hit a bit harder and threw up 4 times throughout the night. Both were completely back to normal 12 hours after it started. In and out - my kind of bug.
The great news is that I did wonderfully. I was anxious for the first hour or so that I was home with the kids on Wednesday and then, just as the OCD program said, my anxiety came down and stayed down. I stayed at a 2 (out of 7) for most of the rest of the day.
When Ryan got sick I never got above a 3. Considering that my anxiety is generally more intense with him, I consider this a huge milestone. I was even able to lay with him right after he threw up - something I wouldn't have been able to do 4 months ago.
Do I want to do it again anytime soon? Nope. But not because I need a break or am scared. Because I hate seeing my kiddos feeling yucky. Progress feels good.


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Accidental genius

During our impromptu day off, Ellen has enjoyed being in her high chair coloring. At first I tried paper, but she just shoves it aside to color on the tray.

The Final Exam

"hey kate, wake up. ellen puked." doesn't matter how many times i hear that, it sucks to be woken up that way. our last stomach bug was at the end of june. putting us at about 3.5 months. frankly, i'm sick of it. i'm choosing to view this as the final exam of my OCD training. my anxiety is at a bearable 4-5 (out of 7) and i haven't cried or had the urge to run away. mostly i'm just mad that my kid is sick again. i just keep repeating "anxiety is just uncomfortable" to myself over and over. maybe next time we can have longer than 3 months between bugs....